09/03/2025
Your voice makes a difference. Read R's story below!
I have finally learned to give myself grace when it comes to my abortion. As a feminist and graduate student, I knew better than to forget my diaphragm. But in 1981, that’s exactly what I did. None of it was easy. I was in the middle of writing an article and preparing for Qualifying Exams which would determine my acceptance (or not) into the film program. I knew I did not want a baby. My boyfriend supported my decision. We were smitten with each other, but he was in the MFA Program, destined to return to Indiana to work on films. My academic trajectory was far more extensive as a PhD candidate with more classes, exams and a dissertation on the horizon. He and I understood each other perfectly. We were in love without illusion.
On the day of my procedure, the staff and doctor at the Emma Goldman Clinic were caring, but I was in an emotional cocoon---removed, resigned and distanced. Was this really happening to me? I was divorced from myself. My medical surroundings loomed larger-than-life. I tried to relax and take deep breaths, when suddenly I felt an agonizing cramp that seemed to last forever. I fainted during my D & C. The staff cared for me. My boyfriend held me and gave me roses. In the month or so afterward, I found myself battling hormonal depression. I worked through my depression by reflecting on it intellectually. I understood it. Later, I published my article and passed my Qualifying Exams. I have never regretted my decision to have an abortion even though it wasn’t easy. As it turned out, I am childless by choice and have had a fulfilling career as a university professor. I no longer berate myself for my “mistake.” I fully accept myself and embrace the strength it took to make that decision. I am forever thankful that I had that freedom of choice coupled with self-awareness.
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