04/19/2025
I said this to my undergrads in lecture on Tuesday and it seemed to land, so I’m sharing it here with you. When we’re talking about boundaries, we sometimes focus on the other person- what we will or will not tolerate in someone else’s behavior or demeanor. Those are rules or limits or expectations.
A boundary is about me checking in with me to ensure that I am caring for MYSELF in my relationship with YOU.
And why do I need a process of steady check in with myself?
1. Because I get to choose me and care for me and tend to me.
2. Because our relationship is going to hit a very low ceiling of intimacy, connection, depth, and richness if I am a ticking time bomb of resentment and dysregulation.
A healthy boundary is BOTH self-protective (caring for me) AND loving (caring for you and us).
My preference is for you to FEEL your way into your boundaries- rather than having your therapist or a social media post tell you exactly where to put them. Feel your way into your boundary by checking in with your nervous system.
- When your nervous system is regulated, you feel calm, generous, patient and present.
- When your nervous system is dysregulated, you feel anxious, crabby, distracted, and bitter.
Your boundary is the line between regulated and dysregulated.
There are things we can (and should) do to create more capacity in our nervous systems (see: therapy, mindfulness, movement, breath work, journaling, etc).
These practices are good and healing for us period. But they also help us really learn what regulation even feels like so that we are better able to notice when we’ve moved out of calm into pissy. In order to feel our way into a workable and healthy boundary we have to be able to feel and attend to our internal cues. We have to get familiar with that contrast.
Here’s to boundaries that help us heal and connect. 💓
