07/09/2025
{I would read this if i were you 😘 — especially if you’re married and building a family}
Did you know that core personality development happens between ages 0 to 7?
This is when a child either develops secure attachment or doesn’t. It’s a crucial stage (not just because of what’s happening outwardly) but because of how rapidly and subtly the inner world is being shaped. I know, it’s crazy to think about but it’s true!
Of course, our identity shifts with time but fundamentally, that’s our most foundational developmental years… unless you do some serious (and by that I mean work that goes beyond the surface of your conditioning) coaching/therapy/growth work that is.
A child at that age is soaking in the emotional tone of the home, the safety (or lack thereof) in their caregivers, and the nervous system patterns of those around them.
And then, seemingly in a blink, they become teenagers…
then young adults…
forming their identities within the emotional, physical, and energetic climate “they were raised in.”
Take avoidant personality disorder, for example. It often stems from chronic overwhelm-ment from unresolved anxiety (often silent) in the home. The child doesn’t feel safe in connection, so they adapt by disconnecting. Avoiding becomes their survival.
And here’s what I want to bring to light:
Our early environments shape us unconsciously & 👉👉 this is exactly why so many marriages go through trial after trial. Not because the relationship is broken or for a lack of love BUT because our unconscious programming is running the show.
This is the truth, no matter which way you slice the pie. 🥧
Without bringing the subconscious to the surface in your marriage, you’re essentially walking blindfolded into a minefield of emotional triggers, ones you don’t even realize you’re stepping on… until you do.
And even when you realize you’ve been triggered, without the clarity around the original trauma or emotional injury it becomes incredibly difficult to regulate what’s happening in real time…for BOTH PEOPLE.
It’s terribly confusing and frustrating…and often feels like the definition of insanity. Interestingly enough, I think insanity is based on what we are unconscious too - that’s what brings the most pain. The not knowing because when we don’t KNOW we can’t do anything to work it through…
It’s like living in a house full of mirrors and smoke… and no one is the wiser.
This is why multi-generational healing is not just helpful, it’s essential for ALL couples, especially in the early stages. Because it opens up an entirely new paradigm: one where a young couple can consciously choose their standards for love rather than unconsciously inheriting outdated, unhealthy, or toxic patterns of expectation and or worse, unconscious emotional projection.
This is where a couple reclaims their power from ancestral conditioning.
Of course, when a personality or mood disorder is in the mix, it becomes far more complex because you’re not just contending with communication differences or attachment wounds…
you’re contending with a deeply embedded survival strategy.
When it’s woven into a diagnosis, the strategy is more extreme, more ingrained, and often born of relational trauma. Which means the very thing the person longs for (connection) is the thing they fear and distrust the most.
And that can be devastating for the partner who truly loves them.
Because people with personality disorders often unconsciously attract those on the other end of the trauma spectrum the overly accommodating, self-sacrificing, almost martyr-like personalities.
(I know this pattern intimately as it’s one I’ve lived and had to unlearn myself.)
The broader distinction here is…
WE all have survival strategies &
we all fall on a continuum…
and those who are willing to part ways with those strategies, to lay them down, to evolve beyond them, are the ones who not “only fall in love, but stay in love.”
This is true for anyone…
Even people with personality or mood disorders.
That’s a whole conversation of its own, which I’ll dive into next time.
But for now, I’ll leave you with this question:
✨ If you truly desire to become a conscious, safe, and secure partner… are you willing to release your survival strategies? To confront the truth of it for the sake of yourself and your loved ones?
This is a serious question & one we all must answer when it comes to LOVE (at some point) otherwise they will meet the demise of their connection inevitably (in some way).
And if you’re not FULLY (and I mean fully) willing to, don’t expect your partner to either.
IT TRULY TAKES TWO to acknowledge survival strategies that are no longer WORKING OR NEEDED in the same way they were as KIDS.
The couples who make it are the ones who let their egos die, over and over again - until they meet a deeper intimacy within themselves and each other - and there is no going back from there. 😉
Once you’ve tasted “real intimacy” - you protect it at all costs because it’s “rare” in the world we live in... which kind of makes the point of this blog in and of itself. One must build it…it doesn’t just happen!
Learning the dance of intimacy TOGETHER is the work. How to connect with your Heart ♥️ rather than your head/thoughts. This can be developed, one layer at a time.
Couples that get to this point of connection…
choose to let love lead, ESPECIALLY when it’s hard & they put the work in to maintainin what they’ve built together, over their lifetime.
They don’t just fall in love.♥️
They rise 🙏 in love.
Again and again.
Are you open to learning how to grow, heal, and co-create a soul-nourishing intimacy together?
Because that’s what it takes. 😊
Ps: (These couples don’t bypass the learning or pretend it will happen on its own somehow - this is what I call “living in delusional fantasy land” - and honestly why get married & build a family if you’re not really willing to grow together). Food for thought…
