08/30/2020
8 reasons to commit to check- ins as school starts tomorrow.
170 days. One hundred and seventy days. That is how long it has been since my children have sat in a classroom. For some of you it may be longer. As the mom of a freshman and senior I find myself feeling a bundle of emotions. As a therapist I find myself experiencing a bundle of feelings too. Can you relate? If you and I have this bundle, I am going out on a limb, but I am confidant many around us have them as well.
Being human is wonderful and complex. If you think about it, being able to experience more than one emotion at a time is like ordering an ice cream sundae and you can have more than one type of ice-cream. What you do with that option can be more complex (speaking from experience from someone who if trapped on an island would choose pizza and ice-cream to be my two available foods). With emotions, you may be an expresser. People around you do not need to guess or even be curious what you are thinking or what you are feeling because you offer them information and insights to what’s going on inside of you. Others hold feelings inside. These individuals I find often feel frustrated because their partner or family ask them, “so many questions.”
Teachers, school administrators and staff, parents, guardians, and students have so many differences. Today, we all have one thing in common. We have not started a school year with Covid-19. Not one of us. The relationship we have with Covid-19 is on us. I know that may not sit well. You and I, we choose our emotions and how we steer relationships. We have been grieving and another stage of grief may surface tomorrow. If I had my way, I do not want tomorrow to just grab each of us all pull us to get through it. Instead, I us to move with the day. It may have bumps and turns. Pushing against it can result in missing out on moments. Instead, flow with it. Exhale throughout the day.
If you are not familiar with check-ins (or need a reminder to create this as a practice as I need at times) let us talk about it! Some individuals/couples/ families do a daily check-in while others may do it weekly. Keep in mind there is no “right” way to have one. Focus on what feels right to you. Allow yourself to do a check-in for two weeks to see if this is working well or if you need to adjust. Allow the process to be flexible. My experience has been some people appreciate the check-in to be a space to connect and share while others desire a set of questions to ask. The key here is to be intentional. Life may enter a new level of busy starting Monday. I encourage you to discuss the day/time you will do a check-in. Keep in mind, phones going off, dogs running around, piles of laundry staring at you may get in the way of keeping you present. Take the time and try best to minimize anything trying to take your time from you. A family check- in can happen at dinner or during a weekend breakfast. Couples often appreciate a short check- in during the evening (or early before the kids wake up to have uninterrupted time).
During the family check-in you may explore how school is going. Ask open ended questions such as, “What have been the most challenging things for you thus far?” “What three words describe your first week of school?” “If I was a fly on the wall in your cafeteria, what may I see?” Couples may use the check- in to express personal needs and desires for the couple. If all of life is happening under one roof (school, work, etc.) perhaps a couple may explore how and when to have individuals time. Dating and intimacy take a hit with Covid? Bring it up during your check-in.
8 reasons I am encouraging you to commit to check-ins this school year:
1. Ease your anxiety- Placing a go-pro on your child is NOT an option. Schools look different. Parts of your child are different (masks). The unknown often creates anxiety and perhaps scenarios we are thinking of in our head. Over the last few weeks, I have had the honor and pleasure of being in classrooms virtually. Talking about visions, needs, and hopes appeared to ease some tensions. Having a check-in can also ease anxieties. Here we can ask questions. I know your questions come from a place of love and concern. Share this when you bring up the check-in. Perhaps at dinner tonight you can express to your family you will be asking some more questions than in years past. Your hope is to ask them in a way that perhaps can be lighthearted and even fun (make a game perhaps).
2. They cannot read your mind- not one of them. Not your spouse of 20 years and not your children. You will need to ask. Even if you use subtle hints you are wanting information, allow yourself to feel empowered and ask what may feel heavy in your heart and busy in your mind.
3. Build connection- checking in with yourself about your wants and needs and then sharing them others may feel uncomfortable. Starting a family check-in when you have not had one before can be awkward. I do not know about you but since March I have done plenty of uncomfortable and awkward. The first time I ran into Trader Joe’s with a mask I felt these. Here is the thing though, I did it. You have done awkward and uncomfortable too in the last few months. While you are not jumping for joy you did it you did survive it. The first check-in may feel this way. Please do it anyways.
4. Empower others to share- Set the stage that check-ins will serve as a place to talk and listen. Offer some simple and important guidelines to create an emotional safe space. These may include no interruptions or judgement. Watch what happens when you offer a space for sharing and listening, Connection grows big and strong!
5. You would feel less alone-if you enjoyed a morning at Target with Starbucks the morning of school starting in years past that will look and feel different this year. If getting together with friends for coffee was more your thing that too may look different. With the quiet may come the thinking and wondering. Allow yourself to not stay alone in that uncertainty. Request a family check-in.
6. It teaches a life skill to your kids- Covid certainly has provided the opportunity to practice a lot of life skills. Boundaries for one. Historically, has this been an area of needed growth? Covid rolled out the practice red carpet! It may have been choosing to tell friends and even family that although you love and miss them, at this time you and your family are not attending large family get togethers. Assertiveness been your practice arena? Covid has urged that for many. Exploring with the hopes of embracing the value of a check-in can be a healthy skill for ALL relationships including the one for yourself. Over the last few weeks, I have been discussing this skill with young adults leaving for college. Did it sound strange initially? You bet it did. What was awesome was time and time again these brave young adults did it and it was helpful. It opened the gates for communicating.
7. It allows others to experience your caring: With the pandemic many feel isolated and alone. The waves of these emotions have been higher and lower at different times, but they are there. Checking-in is simply an extension to someone letting them know you have been thinking of them. Too often I find we overthink things or make it more difficult then it needs to be. Sending a text simply sharing,” I have been thinking of you and wanted to check-in.” Whether it is a structured check-in like mentioned above or a quick text it lets others feel cared about.
8. Feelings of fear can shift to that of calm: Many times, what we are thinking in our heads is a worse care scenario that what is truly occurring. Allow yourself not to be stuck there. Instead, do a check-in. If it is within yourself consider journaling it out. If it is not a scheduled check-in time with your partner you do not have to box your thoughts or feelings inside. Rather, approach your partner and ask, “I have something(s) I want to share with you. Are you available to listen?” If they are not, schedule a time. I know that waiting may be challenging. The thing is, you were ready to talk and your partner had no warning until you approached them. Out of respect for them, and yourself I much rather you schedule a very future time where you both can show up ready to listen.
If you are in Lee County, Florida wishing all a great first day of school! Need support with check-ins or processing your emotions during this unprecedented school year? Call the office at 239-848-2022 to schedule your session or book online at www.heleneshute.com.
