09/22/2023
My baby is home, though not in the form I wish, but still...
I have finally read all of the comments and messages you've all sent and I can't "love" or respond to all of them without Facebook putting me in virtual jail so please know I appreciate all the words of encouragement, prayers, and well wishes for me, Everly and those who love Presley. He made a huge impact in his 9.5 years here.
I always told him that he'd have to let me know when he was done fighting and it had to be very obvious or I'd keep fighting for him. Well, he definitely did that. So many have asked what happened and although his last night was traumatizing for me, love allows us to push past our own pain to do what's needed even during absolutely the worst night of my life.
Tuesday at 4am, Everly woke me up just in time for me to watch Presley stumble down next to the bed. I believe he'd had a seizure and I jumped out of bed thinking he was about to leave me. I picked him up and put him in my lap and held him for over an hour. During that time, he stopped breathing for about 10 seconds while I rocked him and cried, telling him how much I love him. Just as I checked to see if he was gone, he took a deep breath and opened his eyes to look for me. He was back and completely aware. I helped him into the living room so we would have more room and not be shoved between the wall and the bed. I again held him in my lap and he fell asleep. My parents came a bit later and we were all saying goodbye to him, put his bed in the back of the SUV and contacted the vet to let them know we were coming. In his true form, he fought and bounced back...so I'm thinking 'ok he's just post-ictal from a seizure and needed some time to come around'. I counted my blessings as he ate and walked outside with me to go potty. I decided to wait and see if he continued to do well so I could maybe have a few more good days with him. I mean just the day before, he'd been outside romping with Everly and Piper (our Doberman house guest), playing ball and biting my pant legs. I even stopped at Wendy's to get him a burger and some nuggets....something I never do but I was trying to put some weight on him. Anyway, I decided to wait on taking him to the vet to say goodbye...grasping on that last glimmer of hope.
He did well until about 9:30pm, other than not wanting to go outside. He ate only a couple of bites, but didn't have any major neuro changes. I set up camp in the living room with him and the girls. He then started panting hard despite his limbs feeling cool. I realized his eyes were different....no light in them anymore. Something neurologic happened. Every little noise, touch, sound...made him have focal seizures. Then he'd lift his head and look for me, but I was right there in his face, cradling his sweet head in my hands. He'd calm down when he heard my voice, then start again with panting. A few times, he was able to get an hour or so of sleep. At 1150 he lost his bladder function and I thought for sure he was leaving me again. I've watched enough humans leave this world to know what signs to look for. I didn't want to fall asleep and him pass away alone despite me continuing to hold his head in one hand and have my other on his chest the entire night. The only time I got up was to change padding under him and wipe him down a couple times. I know him better than I know myself and he never ever pottied in the house unless he was sick and was mortified when that happened, so I wasn't going to let him lay in his own urine and lose his dignity. Somehow I was able to find the strength to carefully lift him off his soiled bedding and put clean, dry bedding under him while trying to prevent too much stimulation that would cause a seizure. All night I watched him, his eyes usually open and glazed over, but staring into mine in the darkness. I whispered to him and talked about all the things we'd done together, funny stories, how I still had dreams of what I'd hoped we had time for, his future puppies, all the people who loved him, all those waiting for him on the other side, how strong and brave he's been during his fight against cancer, and messages I needed him to give to God. I told him I'd be the saddest he'd ever seen me, but that I needed him to let go because watching him and not knowing if he was suffering was worse than anything else. He'd relax, his gums go pale, his heart slow, I'd tell him how much I loved him and that he was a good boy and it's ok to go, but then in true Presley fashion, he'd fight his way back, lift his head to look for me and we'd start over again. I hummed his favorite songs, talked about Maddie (his sister who passed last June) and Martha (one of my besties who passed in February) and all of his other friends waiting for him...he calmed down, but never left, his injured brain continuously telling him to pant for no reason. I'm confident the tumors in his brain had bled and knowing he'd be in pain even if he stopped bleeding, I couldn't put him through anymore. He didn't deserve this cancer, nor did he deserve to have to deal with another brain bleed. I'm confident that I did everything I could to keep him happy and alive for as long as his failing body would let him and only I could help him feel better. So...as soon as daylight hit, I contacted my parents to come sit with him, love on him and get their alone time to say goodbye while I got dressed, then we let Everly say her goodbyes. She knew something was wrong the whole night and when saying goodbye, tried to cover him with a blanket (I'm guessing this was an instinct to protect him from predators).
The staff at our vet love him and asked if they could come say goodbye. Of course I couldn't say no. He loved them and it was comforting to know how much they loved him and understood our pain. There were tons of hugs, tears, pets, stories, and people laying on the floor telling my soulmate how much he's loved and cherished and will be missed. He passed looking into our eyes at 8:48AM. This was Maddie's birthday and she got the best gift in Heaven...her baby brother.
I don't know if any of your have felt this kind of pain before, but I still don't know how to get over it. How do you go on when you're missing the one who gave you life identity? Most people know me because of him...they ask if he's coming when we make plans with friends or work functions. He's kept me safe, kept me focused, kept me feeling loved and laughing. He was the glue in our family. He taught so many people how to interact with service dogs, then how to keep going and push yourself to get better when he became a therapy dog a couple years ago. He had the most human qualities and I swear he understood human language. He taught me how to observe dog behavior and learn how they communicate without saying a word so the the human isn't the one calling all the shots and making dogs conform to human ways, but the human begins to understand how the canine works. That is the real reason he was so amazing. He taught ME. Once we could communicate with each other, nothing held us back. He competed in dog shows, obedience, lure coursing, scent work, barn hunt, agility, veteran showmanship, responsible dog owner education, etc etc etc...on top of being a service dog, therapy dog, the most amazing companion, the most patient and stoic puppy raiser, he was empathetic, compassionate a gentle, and my best friend.
I haven't slept in my home since he passed. The pain I have when I'm there is physical...it's nausea, anxiety, shortness of breath, and chest pain all wrapped in one. I'll think I'm doing ok and then something little happens like his dog food delivery comes (we'd just ordered a trial of The Farmer's Dog) or I get into the van for something and see his service dog vest and collapse into it crying. Or I remember Halloween is coming up and that was our holiday to have fun and enter contests. I'm so angry, sad, hurting, depressed...but I'm trying to push through it. Everly was entered in a small show and FCAT this past weekend and the last thing I wanted to do was go, but I went because she deserves to have fun, to see her mama happy for her and cheering her on, and to be the center of attention for a change. It's been months since I've been able to focus on her and Presley equally so she needed this and so did I. Thank you to those who were there, who let me cry on their shoulders and tried to keep my spirits up, who snuggled Everly and Piper and told me what an impact Presley had on them, who tried to distract me from the overwhelming weight on my shoulders. I love you guys and I'm sorry if I wasn't all there. My heart is shattered. I'm still glad I went and I'm so proud of my baby girl. She earned 108 points towards her DCAT and took RWB on Saturday. She's also off her game a bit and looks around when someone says "Presley" or "Peanut". She is scared when she's out without her brother and has had a big setback with her training, but I plan on pouring my time into helping her and working with her. It's just her and me now....and I have gotten SO many of her famous hugs, though the last few days I'm pretty sure she needed them more than I did and keeps coming to me for cuddles. We're both strong and although we're sad, we'll find a way to go on and find our new 'norm'.
Presley, I don't know how you got such a strong hold on my heart, but I'll absolutely love you forever and think about you all the time. You were a one in a million kind of dog...brains, looks, temperament, human-like qualities in a beautiful package. There was nothing you couldn't learn and you taught so many people about service dogs, and taught so many dogs what you knew about appropriate dog behavior. My baby boy...I'll never get over losing you and I can't wait until I see you running towards me when it's my time to go. Keep watching over us and help to guide us down the right path. I'll keep what you taught me in my heart, always remember your smell, the way you breathed on my neck and grunted in your sleep, how many bad day or upset tummy could be cured with a fun training session and a quiet walk in the front yard. I love you, Butters, my Butter-butt, my Buttermilk Biscuit, my P-Nutter Butter dog. 💚💪
Presley
1/9/14 - 9/13/23
MBIS MRBIS MBIS-Vet Multi-CH GRCH IntCH NatCH HnrCH-G VetCH-S World Beauty Champion RACEN Rambo's Black Peace of Graceland URO1 SPOT-ON RN CA CGC CGCA CGCU ATT TKN FDC, Triple Crown Winner, 2020 UKC Top 10 Boxer, cardiac alert/response and mobility assistance service dog, TDI certified Therapy Dog
And my best friend.
