Heather Gillam - Sisu Lumi Counseling

04/15/2026

“Our culture doesn’t teach us how to love well.”

That is so true. There are so many myths and misinformation out there that take us further from love and loving well. But it’s never too late to learn how to love and relate to ourselves and others better.

04/12/2026

04/12/2026

04/05/2026

Reducing tension and repairing a relationship are not the same task at all.

Tension can drop when things get quiet, when time passes, or when everyone avoids the topic. That can bring relief, but it doesn’t exactly create safety.

Repair requires naming what happened, acknowledging the impact, and taking responsibility for how it landed for the other person - not just the intent behind it.

It sounds like: “I see what that did to you,” not “Can we just move on?”

Repair also includes follow-through! Changed behavior is how the nervous system learns the rupture won’t keep repeating in the relationship.

This is why people can feel calm again but still guarded or loop and replay the issue in their mind because something is unresolved.

The body is waiting for PROOF they understand what they did, why they did it and that they know what needs to be different moving forward.

03/29/2026

Yes!!!

03/16/2026

03/08/2026

Asking for space when you are flooded is one of the healthiest things you can do in a conflict. But for someone with anxious attachment, a partner going quiet without explanation does not feel like a break. It feels like the beginning of the end.

Most people either push through while too activated to hear anything, or disappear without saying enough and leave their partner suspended in uncertainty.

The couples who take space and communicate it clearly build a kind of safety that changes everything about how conflict lands.

Save this for the next time you need it.

03/05/2026

100%

You do not stop being a person when you have kids! Maintain your wellbeing and who you are and that will also benefit your children too.

02/27/2026

If you think about relational conflict as a tree with deep roots, these questions may be at the very bottom.

For example, if my partner forgot to pick up something for me at the store, I may wonder internally, “Can I count on you?”

My surface level response, though, might be to criticize or blame. This is where we can lose each other emotionally. If I can become aware of and share my root vulnerability, it may transform the dialogue and resulting connection.

That could sound something like, “I know it may seem like a little thing, but it helps me to feel loved and like I can count on you when you remember me while shopping.”

While a partner could still get defensive receiving this message, it’s less likely than if we deal with our hurt through blame.

This information is based on attachment theory and emotionally focused couple therapy, founded by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

02/26/2026

This is a great reminder why regulation doesn’t necessarily mean calm. It means that you are experiencing emotions while remaining connected to who you are and the ability to make choices and act.

You can be crying and regulated. Angry and regulated. Scared and regulated.

It’s not about calm, it’s about choice.

And the need to regulate isn’t gender specific. We all got nervous systems.

02/16/2026

Validation is sooooooo important! It tells someone “I see you. I understand you. You’re important to me. Your feelings/experience makes sense.”

Validation doesn’t equal agreement. This is a duality that can be really tricky for people to hold.

Validation is about empathy and recognition. It’s saying, “I can see why you feel that way,” or “That makes sense given your experience.”

Agreement is about alignment. It’s saying, “You’re right,” or “I believe the same thing.”

In healthy relationships, we need to be seen and understood, even in the places where there’s difference. We need to know that we matter, even if there isn’t a shared perspective or viewpoint.

Here’s an example: You partner comes to you and says, “I’m so upset, my boss criticized me in front of everyone.”

Validation: That sounds really embarrassing. I’m so sorry that happened.” (You might think the boss had a point, but you’re still acknowledging their experience and feelings).

Let’s say you’re concerned with how your partner is showing up at work and want to discuss that, you might find a different time to bring that up.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.