03/26/2024
So, I am doing something very scary and maybe crazy... I am going to open a business. Not just any business but a medical office. I got a lease, I have people building cabinets and a sink and I have never opened my own clinic. I wonder how many people with a disability would be able to work IF they could choose how much and when. I know this: I MUST control how much energy I spend or I will pay... my body could break again...but I worked my bottom off getting this condition under control. I had an edge. I JUST finished my residency program in Family medicine 4 years before my condition was diagnosed and I promise you I struggled with SPS through the entire process - Medical school and the Medical Residency program. The migraines, the foot cramps and legs cramps, plantar fasciitis, muscle pain blamed on statins... I blamed everything on anything else. I tried to get help of course, I DID see a neurologist specifically for the twitching, muscle spasms and - of course- I was blown off... sophmore syndrome was probably what they really wrote in the chart.. Working full time was hard because working under a corporate entity demanded that I see at least 20-25 patients in a day. You do the math - some doctors wee up to 50 in an 8 hour day. I worked all night catching up so that I did right by my patients. I knew all too well how frustrating doctors are. I hate them - mostly.
But I have gotten better: I can run and I can dance (just not for extended times - can't even stand for extended times. but I can monitor my movements. I worked through and still do work through anything that causes anxiety. I use my "helps" like a massaging back heater that I charge up and reuse (I have three). I see a counselor twice amonth to make sure that anxiety is aggressively dealt with as soon as it is recognized. Physical pain is a super motivator.
Anyway, while I support everyone of us as we navigate our lives through an illness that seemed to say "I'm going to take your life in a new direction and it's going to be painful, emotionally, physically and possibly kill you without warning. ALL of that is scary! Honestly I freaked out! And after a surgery, I could not get energy to move anywhere near 20 patients in a day. So disability was my only choice at the time and the disability is of course NOT going to just disappear so....
All that to say. I'm creating a situation that is anxiety producing and I've found that using calming methods to reground myself helps with this and I am going to be tested.
I ask only for prayers as I attempt bravery and courage.
And thank God for the amazing provisions He provided to make this possible.
