Helen WIlliamson Elliott, MS, LPC

06/21/2025

Here is Holly( left), my lil sister,and me, after a haircut. Looks like the snow in Colorado.

05/31/2025

07/31/2022

It’s hard to tell what is Bailey and what is her blankie.

03/24/2022

Here are some good quotes that I like. Hope you’re having a great day!!

04/01/2019

Is your teenager bullying you?
This problem is much more common than you think. Just think about it. Our world advertises that everyone should have everything they want, and yesterday is just soon enough!! The common wisdom says we should give our kids everything they desire. But is this the best message to send them? Our kids also know how to argue like a lawyer. They see examples of it on sitcoms and advertisements. To their way of thinking, it is easier to argue than do what we ask, for example, clean up their rooms. And why should they? It’s not on their agenda. Their rooms have everything they need. “Ground me to my room?! Awh gee!!” (no problem, I have a phone, a computer, video games, and all the toys/gadgets I need. I only have to come out for food/restroom). What incentive is there to follow the rules? Even school has no appeal for them. There are people there just trying to annoy them and make them work. If they need help, it is often hard to get since the teacher has to focus more on behavior issues these days. And the consequence of this lack of effort often takes several days to catch up to them.
So, what can be done? The answer is simple and hard to implement, but very powerful once put into place. Quid pro quo- simply put, this for that. If you assume that the teen doesn’t care about what we want (and often this is the case due to immaturity), you can arrange the environment to get the important things done first. “Want to play video games? Of course you can AFTER your room is clean.” (You might want to put the video games in the living room so you can enforce this.) Want to go to a party, Sounds good. FIRST I expect you to finish your homework and wash your clothes. (make sure the list of chores is a reasonable length.) “Want me to take you to McDonalds? I really don’t feel up to it since you insulted me earlier. Try again in two days.”
No argument is needed. If the teen follows you to argue, find a way to get him to stop. Pick up the phone to call a friend or relative (warn them you are going to do this). “Hi Betty, I was just wondering how your mother is doing…”, go to the restroom (and close the door), get in the car to go to the convenience store (alone), etc. The longer the argument, the more the teen believes he can get you to give in. Simple emotionally supportive statements can help. “I’m sorry you feel this way.” or ”I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” are good no answer –answers to their complaints.
Parenting is tough, but understanding what the problem is will lead to the correct answer. Finally, don’t beat yourself up if this is going on in your house. Kids learn these bad behaviors from all over, including family. Just commit to change your response (both parents) so you can get things back under your control; where everyone will feel better.

02/20/2019

Attend to your Relationship February 11 at 2:58 PM •
Hello! Valentine's is this week, and I had some more thoughts regarding maintaining and supporting a long term relationship. While many people worry about getting the perfect gift, I am much less concerned with this aspect of relationships. What matters most is that you are going through this life together and supporting each other, not trying to please your partner at every turn.
So, how do you show support? John Gottman, famous couple's psychologist, once said he could spot a bad relationship in about an hour or less. How did he do it? What he looked for was how the couple responded to each other. For example, if a man saw a funny post online, he might share it with his significant other. If she looked and listened intently, that was a good sign. If she ignored him or put him down, (and this was a common pattern for them) this was a bad sign. If you care about and support your partner, then it is logical that you will pay attention to their thoughts and feelings. If you don't, it sends the message that they do not matter in your life. Of course we all get busy and occasionally miss what others say. But when we ignore most of what is said, then it sends a clear message that the other person is not on our agenda. Naturally, this goes both ways and is true regardless of sexual orientation.
If you consider that your significant other is generally attentive to your thoughts and feelings, count yourself lucky! No chocolate or jewelry is as valuable. Sadly, this is less common these days. But it is very doable! If you you want to improve your relationship, consider showing more consideration to your partner's thoughts and feelings. He or she will appreciate it and will likely reciprocate!

Helen Williamson Elliott

(note: I reposted this since it was blocked (ask me why! It's actually pretty funny)

02/11/2019

Hello! Valentine's is this week, and I had some more thoughts regarding maintaining and supporting a long term relationship. While many people worry about getting the perfect gift, I am much less concerned with this aspect of relationships. What matters most is that you are going through this life together and supporting each other, not trying to please your partner at every turn.

So, how do you show support? John Gottman, famous couple's psychologist, once said he could spot a bad relationship in about an hour or less. How did he do it? What he looked for was how the couple responded to each other. For example, if a man saw a funny post on facebook, he might share it with his significant other. If she looked and listened intently, that was a good sign. If she ignored him or put him down, (and this was a common pattern for them) this was a bad sign. If you care about and support your partner, then it is logical that you will pay attention to their thoughts and feelings. If you don't, it sends the message that they do not matter in your life. Of course we all get busy and occasionally miss what others say. But when we ignore most of what is said, then it sends a clear message that the other person is not on our agenda. Naturally, this goes both ways and is true regardless of sexual orientation.

If you consider that your significant other is generally attentive to your thoughts and feelings, count yourself lucky! No chocolate or jewelry is as valuable. Sadly, this is less common these days. But it is very doable! If you you want to improve your relationship, consider showing more consideration to your partner's thoughts and feelings. He or she will appreciate it and will likely reciprocate!

02/07/2019

HI! Hope your week is going well. As we approach Valentine's Day, I was thinking about how you know you are in a good relationship.

We hear so much about what can go wrong, but don't often talk about the traits of a strong relationship. So, what are the hallmarks of a strong relationship?

Trust is a word that everyone uses, but do we really understand it? To build a strong bond, you have to know the other person and know he or she will have your back. This takes time and many varied experiences together to build. It also takes risk. It is hard to know if someone can be trusted unless you take a chance on them. You cannot force others to be trustworthy, but you can encourage them to be by your own trustworthy behavior, and letting them know when they have let you down so they can fix the problem if they drop the ball.

Consider the "WE" of the relationship. When making plans, make sure you are considering what your partner wants in the future as well. This can be done during the week by checking with your partner about weekend plans or what you will do together each day. Dream together. Often two different views can work together to build a collective dream for your life together. Then work to make the shared dream a reality.

The next step has more to do with your attitude than you actions. However, it will eventually become apparent what you think regardless.
Believing in the good in your partner and encouraging him or her is a very good way to insure your relationship stands the test of time. People often do more for those they feel like and believe in them. In addition, the world is cruel enough without your partner adding his or her two cents. This doesn’t mean you never share your concerns. However, one should do this with caution and sparingly.

When arguing (yes, even the best couples do this occasionally), make sure you go into the argument with the attitude that your partner wants to make things better too. It is easy to get upset and frustrated during a heated debate, but make sure your behavior remains respectful throughout. Your partner may have an idea or perspective you haven't thought of before. It is not a given that you are right. Each person has a unique valuable perspective that should be included in decisions.

Make time and space for the relationship. If you are always answering your phone to friends, working while home, or getting the kids what they need, then you are ignoring your partner at least some of the time. Each relationship needs time to grow and mature. If you don't save time for your partner it sends the message that they are not important. In addition, you don't want all the memories to be of just getting things done (i.e. cleaning out the garage, changing the diapers, etc.) Make certain to plan time together every week if possible and go on trips together to explore or plan activities where the agenda is purely fun. This bonding time makes the relationship stronger and balances out the work side of your life together.

Don't expect your partner to make you happy, (and don't expect that you can do that for your partner either). That is your job. In fact, if you marry a happy person, there is a very good chance they will remain so.
Happiness comes from being proud of yourself and how you contribute to the world, not money, status, or even experience. If one of you struggles with this, a good individual counselor can help.

Blaming. Just don't do it. Nobody likes to be blamed, and all it does is to say that my responsibility is now yours. For everything that you blame others, you have just given away the power to do something about it. For instance, if a husband says he drinks because of his wife's spending, he cannot change until she changes. However, if they both take responsibility for their actions and encourage each other, there is a much better chance they will both improve.

A strong relationship takes time and work. But it is totally worth it!

01/28/2019

HI! Hope your new year is getting off to a great start. I was thinking of New Year's resolutions and how many of us tend to make weight and exercise goals in the new year only to backslide by the end of the month. No one doubts that exercising and eating healthy is a good plan. It's just that implementation part. So, what is holding us back? I would like to suggest it's our attitude, especially about exercise.

The media, friends, family, and the like would have us believe exercise is a lot of trouble, and that we should have what we want right now (like that cheeseburger, or to sit down and rest after work). Many parents put their kids activities first too instead of setting a regular schedule for their own workouts. In addition, we are always seeking a quicker way to do things instead of doing it the longer way (for instance, parking close to the store, always taking the elevator, or putting two dishes in the empty dishwasher). While saving time can be a good thing, it also means that our bodies move less during the day.

Bodies were made to move. Like cars and boats, a well maintained body lasts longer. Dan Buettner of the Blue Zones researched the top five areas of longevity in the world. He found that the longest lived peoples were walking an average of 5 miles a day. Another research project (I don't have the reference) proposed that for every one hour of exercise, you get back two hours of life. It was posted on billboards in Fort Worth a few years ago. I have found in my own life, that because I stay busy, I can do things without injury that many of my age peers cannot due to poorer body maintenance. Just think about a young kid. He does things because he can, not because he is made to do them (such as running, jumping, cartwheels, etc.). Once he stops doing them, it becomes much harder.

One other thing to consider, while we all feel like there may be better things to do, we should re-examine that position. For those who have studied Steven Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people, exercise is in Quadrant II, Important, Not Urgent. Parents who workout regularly are teaching their kids that this is a lifestyle, not just an occasional fix for being overweight. They are teaching their kids that they must maintain their bodies when they get older too. Work also becomes easier if you aren't stressed due to getting the next, and the next, and the next thing done. Exercise breaks down cortisols and therefore the toll that stress takes on the body. It also enhances brain function after exercise. Regular activity improves the balance in your life as well. If you participate in a sport, you will have more friends and social activities in addition to learning to work better on a team. Definitely, exercise helps individuals in numerous ways.

Exercise is a WIN-WIN for all and for our future and our children's future too. Commit to a change of attitude, not just today's behavior, and you will see the lasting impression it will make on your life (which will be longer!!)

01/21/2019

Hello! I hope you are having a good day. Today, I have been thinking about parents and teens. One common issue that gets in the way of parents raising successful teens, and their future relationship, is the concept of being right versus doing right. Sounds pretty much the same right? But here's the rub. Kids, yes even teenagers, need us to build them up, not knock them down a peg. But how do you do it without giving them too much power? First we have to check ourselves. When we are discussing with them what we will allow, we need to ask ourselves if we are sending the message, me being right is more important than you. I very much doubt this is an intentional message, but it is what our teens often hear. So how can we communicate respect and love while still maintaining some control over their actions and safety.

One possible way to communicate love and respect is to listen to the teen and his/her thoughts before springing to action, and work with them to help them reach their goals even if it is in another way than the way the teen chose. For instance, if the teen wants to buy a game system because he's broken his, but he's out of money, you can help him brainstorm ways to earn the money. Then he will be proud of how he earned it, and respect the value of working for money more. And he is much less likely to throw the controller if his character dies!

Another way to show you value the teen is to ask their opinion about something you know they are good at. For example, if your daughter knows more about dogs than you do, acknowledge her and ask her advice. Even if it is good advice, you may not want to take it. You can always do what you think is best. But when you take their advice, that proves you think they are valuable. It is possible to show kids you value them, and still make appropriate decisions for their safety and your sanity.

A third way to show respect and love is to actually allow your teen to fail sometimes. If we clean up their messes too soon, it sends the message, "You can't handle it!" It also leads them to believe they are not responsible for their actions. For instance, if a teen girl is rude to a peer, the peer may shun her. That experience teaches her to be more careful with her words. Adults shouldn't try to water it down. "Oh I'm sure she was just tired. She didn't mean it!" Consequences help us to adjust our actions to better fit our world. Our kids often learn sooner from their mistakes than our words.

One final way to show you care is actually counter-intuitive. Acknowledge when you make a mistake and own up to it. Then try not to repeat it. For example, you forgot they got out of school early and they actually told you about it ahead of time. But you didn't pick them up on time. You can apologize, empathize with them if they complain to you, and commit to record it next time when their schedule changes. Teens know we make mistakes. But hiding it or acting like we didn't mess up can back fire. They know! And they can spot hypocrisy a mile away. Furthermore, we want them to show integrity in their actions too, so we must be a good role-model. Owning up to our actions and trying our best to respect them sets a great example for their future, and our future relationship with them!

It is always important for the adult to be in charge of the final decision. But for our teens, what we do actually speaks louder than what we say. We want our actions to say I respect and love you, but I will also do my best to protect you too.