01/10/2022
Haven’t updated in a while. Sometimes updates are just too much for me to explain, sometimes I type them out and never post them, life is still hard.
We got through the holidays. It lacked it’s usual joyous nature, especially for me. It was very hard to find the holiday spirit for the kids, but we managed.
Phil isn’t doing better. It’s just a very slow progression, but it’s there. He’s weaker everyday, the confusion most days is more and more. He looks so lost most days and it’s so hard to see. The angry outbursts still happen quite frequently. We miss his tender, gentle side so much. I know the kids, especially miss that. He doesn’t have much interest in anything anymore, just wants to be in bed. He gets agitated if he’s up too long and doesn’t usually like the sound of the tv on either, although I still try to keep sports on for him in hopes he’ll enjoy it, or his favorite movies. Noise just seems to aggravate him. 😢 we just miss the old Phil, that’s for sure.
Speaking of the kids, it’s been noticeably hard on them lately. Over the course of the last 2 years, 6 months especially, our lives have changed quite a bit. They went from having a mom home all the time baking, to a mom working as many jobs as she can to make ends meet. They went from having a hardworking, physically fit, happy dad, to someone who is unrecognizable most days to them.
I’ve said before how my hearts breaks mostly for kids, and that still holds true. I listen to the little ones play and it’s sad to hear how they portray “dads” when playing house or Barbie’s. They will never remember their daddy who was so full of life and played with them, tickled and loved them. Their perception of him is not at all what I wanted it to be, but it’s our reality.
Emmylou has suddenly started clinging to me in every aspect of her life. She never wants me out of her sight, wants to sleep with me every night, and always wants to know when I’ll be home from work. She frequently needs to check to make sure she can see me. 💔 Her sweet innocence is gone, and her happy go lucky spirit has changed too. I feel like she carries around so much heartbreak in her little soul. My precious little daddy’s girl has a broken heart, I can see it in her eyes.
The boys miss their dad so much. Christmas morning, unfortunately, even with the tree up, the kids Opening presents, Phil didn’t know what was going on. He made a few comments that didn’t make sense and I watched the excitement and happiness of Christmas morning vanish from Colton’s eyes when he heard him. Brought him to tears a couple times, and that stung. They watched the bowl games with Phil, but he slept through most or just didn’t realize what was going on. It’s hard.
And Ashlynn has had to grow up more quickly that I had ever wanted. I became a mom at 18, obviously growing up quicker than most teenagers. I never wanted my kids to have to deal with growing up too quickly, or too much responsibility at such a young age, yet here we are. For different reasons obviously, but still, it’s taken their youth and innocence away. She is also having knee surgery on Thursday, so please pray for her that all goes well! She won’t be driving or helping me like I’m used to for a few months, so more adjustments!
That’s it for now. Thank you to those who continually pray for our family. I know that’s what helps us get through each day. And for those who helped in anyway during the holidays, THANK YOU! ♥️
