07/11/2025
This piece by Bryan Post is so relevant for parenting (and working with, as in teachers, mentors, coaches, etc.) ALL children. It is not just for foster parents, or adoptive parents or kinship caregivers...we do not get to determine where a child should be emotionally based on anythig other than the behaviors we are seeing. And Bryans article is filled with suggestions of how to meet your child where they are, and not where you or anyone else, thinks they should be.
Title: Parenting the Stage, Not the Age: Understanding Emotional Development Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
Subtitle: Why Meeting Your Child Where They Are Emotionally Is the Key to Healing and Connection
In the realm of parenting, especially when caring for children who have experienced trauma, traditional age-based expectations often fall short. Bryan Post, a renowned child behavior expert and founder of the Post Institute, emphasizes the importance of "parenting the stage, not the age." This approach encourages caregivers to focus on a child's emotional and developmental stage rather than their chronological age, fostering deeper understanding and connection.(podcasts.apple.com)
The Impact of Trauma on Development
Children who have faced early life adversities—such as neglect, abuse, or the loss of primary caregivers—often experience disruptions in their developmental trajectories. These disruptions can manifest as behaviors that seem incongruent with their chronological age. For instance, a teenager might seek comfort in ways typical of a much younger child, like using a pacifier or wanting to be held.
Such behaviors are not mere regressions but are indicative of unmet developmental needs. Post explains that these actions are the child's way of communicating their need for safety, connection, and healing. By recognizing and responding to these cues appropriately, caregivers can provide the nurturing environment necessary for the child's emotional growth.
Understanding Emotional Stages
Traditional parenting often aligns expectations with a child's age, assuming that certain behaviors and responsibilities are appropriate at specific milestones. However, trauma can arrest emotional development, meaning a child's emotional age may not match their physical age. For example, a 14-year-old who has experienced significant trauma may function emotionally at the level of a much younger child.
Post emphasizes the importance of assessing and responding to the child's emotional stage. This involves observing behaviors, understanding their underlying needs, and providing support that aligns with their current emotional capacity. By doing so, caregivers can help children progress through developmental stages that were previously disrupted.
The Role of Oxytocin in Healing
A key component of Post's approach is the emphasis on creating "oxytocin opportunities." Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," plays a crucial role in bonding and emotional regulation. Activities that promote the release of oxytocin—such as cuddling, eye contact, and gentle touch—can help soothe the child's nervous system, making them feel safe and connected.(postinstitute.com)
By intentionally incorporating these bonding experiences into daily interactions, caregivers can foster a sense of security and trust. This, in turn, facilitates the child's ability to form healthy attachments and supports their emotional development.
Shifting from Control to Connection
Traditional disciplinary approaches often focus on controlling behavior through consequences and rewards. However, for children with trauma histories, such methods can exacerbate feelings of fear and insecurity. Post advocates for a shift from control-based strategies to connection-based approaches.(fasdsuccess.com)
This involves prioritizing the relationship over behavior, seeking to understand the root causes of actions, and responding with empathy and support. By doing so, caregivers can create an environment where children feel valued and understood, reducing the need for maladaptive behaviors.(bryanpost.com)
Practical Steps for Caregivers
1. Assess Emotional Stage: Observe your child's behaviors and emotional responses to determine their current developmental stage.
2. Create Oxytocin Opportunities: Engage in activities that promote bonding and emotional connection.
3. Respond with Empathy: Seek to understand the underlying needs driving behaviors, responding with compassion rather than punishment.
4. Maintain Consistency: Provide a stable and predictable environment to help your child feel secure.
5. Seek Support: Engage with professionals or support groups familiar with trauma-informed care to enhance your understanding and skills.
Conclusion
Parenting through a trauma-informed lens requires a departure from age-based expectations and a move towards understanding and supporting a child's emotional stage. By focusing on connection, empathy, and the creation of nurturing environments, caregivers can facilitate healing and promote healthy development. As Bryan Post asserts, it's not about the age of the child but about meeting them where they are emotionally, providing the support they need to thrive.
