Connecthrulove

01/11/2026

I have been reminded recently about how difficult it is to not only parent children who come from the hard places of trauma but to be the front line workers, who everyday interact with these children and parents. And this is everyone, e.g. teachers, mentors, therapists, case managers, tutors, probation officers, who are drawn, wanting to make a difference, to do this painful, often frustrating and emotionally draining work. No, you are NOT to blame for the outrageous, often disrespectful, and sometimes physically dangerous behaviors of the children and adolescents. But if we keep doing the same thing, (the lecturing, the withdrawing of positive interactions, the veiled threats of ending up in juvenile detention, hospitalization or day treatment if these behaviors continue) then we, as well as parents, will keep getting the same results. And NO, no one deserves to be disrespected by those you are trying so desperately to help. We want to change the inappropriate, sometimes even dangerous behaviors (for the child’s/teens own good), we want compliance. We know it’s a hard world out there but their boss is not going to care that they have been traumatized. The boss won’t care that a young man struggles with authority figures because if he can’t control his environment and others, he feels out of control. And that he doesn’t trust anyone, but himself, to keep him safe, because he’s been disappointed, he’s been betrayed by those charged with caring for him. And this is particularly true if the trauma occurred in the first 5 years of his life and he’s now 20 or 30. It’s a struggle...always. And one does does not heal from complex trauma in a linear way. So how do we help in constructive, non enabling ways? We don’t take it personally; it isn’t about us, it’s about the child/adolescent. We need to step back and stay in relationship with that child, no matter how difficult he is being; not to judge, not to impose our fears for the future, and not to give up because we just will NOT tolerate the intolerable behaviors. We need to stay connected. Again, try to remember being there and staying there with that very unlikeable/unloveable (at that point in time) is what truly will make the difference. Connecthrulove

01/10/2026

Check out the new blog which is an extension of the eBook, Stories from the Adoption Circle. Send in your story, or poem, or artistc rendering following the direction at Share Your Story located at the top of The Blog page: theadoptioncircle.org

01/04/2026

This is SO important to grasp the meaning of the long term effects of trauma on the brain, and remembering that behavior is governed by the brain.

Children don't "bounce back" from trauma. They bury it and buried trauma doesn't vanish it leaks out later as anxiety, rage, shame, addiction, and self-destruction. So no, kids aren't resilient. They're hurting.

Credit - Childhood Trauma Disorders (Understanding, Coping, Healing)

12/25/2025

This really enlightening article by Jeanette Yoffe looks at a significant issue for children in care without connection to bio family, of: Who am I? Who do I look like? Where do these large hands and feet come from because I’m not tall? Where did I get this curly hair? Why are my eyes hazel colored? And so many other questions often unasked out loud.

Genetic mirroring gives adoptees and foster youth reflections of self. Without it, identity feels like a blank mirror, fueling confusion, loss, and a lifelong search for belonging.

12/18/2025

I am SO excited to announce that my book, "Stories from the Adoption Circle" and the continuation of the call for stories and the printing of them in, "Stories from the Adoption Circle: The Blog" is being publicized and offered by Jeanette Yoffe https://celiacenter.org/blog/ Jeanette is a very well known therapist and author in the adoption/foster care network. She is also a new columnist for Psychology Today writing the column: "The Inner Life of Foster Care". Several years ago, we presented a reading of Jeanette's play, "What's Your Name and Who's Your Daddy?"

11/29/2025

As we reach the end of National Adoption Month, I offer this perspective on adoption:

ADOPTION AWARENESS: HOW DID WE GET HERE AND HOW DO WE GET THROUGH IT?

It is National Adoption Awareness Month. Traditionally, it has been a month to promote, even tout adoption; a time of celebration if you will, and an invitation to consider adoption as a way to build a family. Years ago, in the State of Indiana and probably elsewhere there was a weekly column named for the day of the week; e.g. Thursday’s Child. And featured would be a waiting child; a child waiting for a family, a delightful sounding, cute looking child. This was in the Indianapolis Star and ran for quite a few years, as I remember. There was also a book which was informally referred to as The Wish Book (kind of a take off on the Sears and Pennys Christmas catalogs). This book featured all children in Indiana who were available for adoption, categorized as I remember, by s*x and age, and perhaps by race. This book was available to people who were considering adoption and had been in contact with their local County Welfare Department (now known, in Indiana, as the Department of Child Services). There were also Adoption Fairs where children were present who were “available” for adoption.

A lot has been learned in the field of brain science in the ensuing years, actually in the past 20 plus years, about trauma and attachment. And most of the professional, and then mainstream knowledge, has been gained and continues to be gaining in the past 10 years. Along with this knowledge has come an understanding that legally, becoming a member of a family does not take away that part of the brain that was activated by the loss of original attachment. And indeed that loss, and subsequent losses, if a child has had a number of placements prior to being placed in an adoptive family, has imposed significant trauma to the brain. We now know, that even an infant placed at birth with an adoptive family, has issues “born” if you will, from losing their original attachment figure. Also, we often have no idea what the experiences in utero were for that infant, physically or emotionally.

The other piece of adoption awareness that is important, is the expectations of the adoptive parents AND their life experiences. The expectations piece is an easy one to define and understand: they expect that they will feel love for their adopted child unconditionally, afterall, this baby, toddler, young child, is THEIRS. This child who was “chosen” by them…AND they will, of course, be loved and respected by this new young family member for giving them a loving, caring, home. And if this baby, toddler, child is NOT loving and respectful and yes, grateful…what isn’t expected by the parents nor predicted for them by the professionals involved in the placements is the reaction that they, the parents, will have to this “ungrateful”, ill behaved, adopted child. An adopted child who acts out, often triggers reactions in the parents that come from their own histories.

I am not suggesting that all of this happens at once, there is afterall, sometimes, a “honeymoon period” so named by professionals who didn’t really understand the depth of where the behaviors, very positive and then, perhaps, unimaginably negative, come from. And again, we look to the brain science of trauma and attachment for the answers.

As we celebrate Adoption Awareness Month, we should include in our celebration the stories of the good and the not so good and with it celebrate what we now know and can help adopting parents and their child understand the challenges they and their child may face. And along with the knowledge and understanding we offer resources to shift much of the old parenting paradigms that were based in consequences models to a the new paradigm of parenting from a place of love and an understanding that uses brain and body based strategies, instead of the fear based strategies that uses adult based interventions and logic that deny children privileges, and interpersonal connections.

I have published an ebook available on Amazon: Stories from the Adoption Circle. The book features over 30 stories by adoptees, birth parents, foster parents, adoptive parents, and connected other in the adoption circle. And I am continuing to collect and post stories on theadoptioncircle.org

11/18/2025

I am so excited to announce my new website which is the continuation of the ebook project, "Stories from the Adoption Circle". The new site is a blog which will hopefully be ongoing. All stories will have the same guidelines as those those stories published in the book...all submitted pieces will be published with little to no editing. The stories are those of the writer. The feelings and words to describe them come from the author; the punctuation and even the grammar reflect the feelings of the story writer.

Welcome to The Adoption Circle Blog where we publish the stories, poetry and even artistic renderings of those whose lives have been forever changed by the adoption experience.. This Blog continues the sharing of stories like those first told in the ebook: Stories from the Adoption Circle: Remembran...

11/09/2025

November is Adoption Month. In honor of Adoption Month, I am posting an "Adoptee manifesto" written by Angela Tucker, subject of the documentary "Closure" and author of the book "You Should Be Grateful".
We can LOVE more than One set of parents. RELATIONSHIPS with our birth parents, foster parents, and our adoptive parents are not mutually exclusive. We have the RIGHT to own OUR original birth certificate. Curiosity about our ROOTS is innate. We need ACCESS to our family medical history. The pre-verbal memories we have with our first family are real. Post-natal culture shock EXISTS. It's okay to feel a mixture of gratitude and loss.
We re NOT alone.
We have EACH OTHER

11/03/2025

Very important information for teachers AND for caregivers about the effects of trauma on childrens behavior in the classroom.

Foster youth face trauma, instability, and learning gaps. With empathy, structure, and trust, educators can be powerful agents of healing in the classroom.

10/31/2025

Want to share this very cogent and straight forward article about how to view and work with problem behaviors in school, written by Jeanette Yoffe:

Foster youth face trauma, instability, and learning gaps. With empathy, structure, and trust, educators can be powerful agents of healing in the classroom.

08/31/2025

I am so excited, my book of adoption stories has gone live on Amazon Kindle!! This is a collection of stories told by those who make up the adoption circle. These are stories from adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and connected others. Each story is the writer's own, their perspective and their reality. I am offering it as an ebook, so the cost will be nominal. I really want to help individuals and families build understanding and connection; and yes, perhaps healing where it may be needed. Please do share this with those you know whose lives are touched by adoption, either personally or professionally.

Stories from the Adoption Circle: Remembrances and Perspectives: Adoptive Parent, Birth Parent, Adoptee, Extended Family, and Professional

08/29/2025

Sharing 5 Parenting Tips from Shenandoah Chefalo, well-known speaker, coach, consultant on trauma-responsive care and author of "Garbage Bag Suitcase".

1. Prioritize connection over control. Instead of focusing on obedience, focus on your relationship. For example, if your child is having a meltdown, sit beside them. Let them know you’re not going anywhere. That safety is more potent than any lecture. Whether you’re working with adults or children, practice’ connection before correction.’

2. Create a psychologically safe environment at home. Make your house a place where mistakes are learning opportunities, not punishable offenses. One family I worked with started using the phrase “fail forward,” and it completely shifted how their children responded to setbacks.

3. Talk openly about feelings. Discussing feelings is a significant factor in building resilience. Use feeling words for your own emotions. Say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths,” or whatever helps you regulate your emotions. Modeling behavior teaches kids that emotions are safe to feel and express. Instead of asking, “How are you doing?” start asking, “How are you feeling?”

4. Build predictable routines. Routines offer stability. Something as simple as a bedtime ritual — such as a story, a hug, or an affirmation — can give kids a sense of grounding, even when everything else feels chaotic.

5. Take care of yourself. Your regulation is the regulation of everyone around you. Feelings are contagious (good and bad). If you’re constantly running on empty, your kids will feel it. Prioritize your healing and rest so you can show up for them fully. Remember: you don’t have to be perfect — just present. You only give what you are overflowing with.