08/12/2022
Such a good explanation of what is going on with your kiddo when they won’t apologize (or accept responsibility for a misbehavior) ♥️
Refusal to apologize isn’t a sign you have a cold-hearted or mean-spirited child. Refusal to apologize is actually a sign that you have a child who is feeling massive amounts of guilt… covered with a layer of shame and therefore defensiveness.
Here’s why: when a person feels that their character is under attack, there is no way they will apologize for whatever led to such unmanageable "I'm a bad person" feelings.
So what do we do? Roll with their resistance - first lower the shame, then model repair.
Does this let your child "off the hook?" No. You’re meeting your child where they are at and building skills from there. This will allow your child to, over time, find their goodness under their bad behavior and to soon generate their own apologies.
We have to help a child find their good feelings about themselves before delivering some of those good feelings to an injured party. Trust the process.
If you have a child who has a hard time apologizing... this tells me that your child's vulnerability and shame sit fairly close together, which is typical in Deeply Feeling Kids. Don't worry - this isn't your fault! It is our responsibility, however, to figure out what's going on for our kids and help them in a way they can take in. The Good Inside Membership has got you covered with articles, scripts, videos, and workshops that offer the scripts and strategies you need to help your DFK build lifelong regulation skills. Follow the link in my bio!
