
08/09/2024
Lately I have been reflecting on the things I need to take responsibility for.
As a survivor of complex trauma this has always been a difficult healing task. A task that I often overlook and minimize. But its importance is paramount no matter how much I wish I could do without it.
The truth is there is no healing and maturity if we’re putting our hurt and healing in the hands of others.
If we wait for the person who hurt us to say sorry, to respond in the best possible way, to see and acknowledge our pain, or offer us our unmet needs.
We certainly need other people to help us heal but if we don’t take responsibility for our own hurts and use our agency to seek support we might end up bitter and alone with it.
We might grow in resentment, self-righteousness, and self-pity.
I share this with you, not to shame anyone or myself. We can still hold ourselves with compassion.
This is a trauma response after all. Not a conscious choosing or proof of inadequacy. This response protects us from further shame and guilt AND I know if we want to truly be set free, we have to be willing to grow into responsible adults who have enough humility to admit our part in the continued harm and enough accountability to tend to our own pain.
I remember having a conversation with my bio dad as a young adult and he shared with me the hurt he felt with his dad not being in his life without acknowledging the hurt he had caused me by not being in my life. At the time I felt like a ghost. I was completely unseen by him.
But I recognize now that my bio dad was still living in the trauma. He could only see his own pain. He was still waiting for his dad to take accountability for his actions.
And I know the cycle will only continue, if I wait for him to take accountability for the hurt. If I wait my whole life for him to see me. I will just be a prisoner to the wounding, hurting people in my lack of freedom.
But taking responsibility, doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve this loss, or hold him accountable. Or I don’t set boundaries.
It’s more about empowering myself to be the change and loving myself well- and this is incredibly healing friends!