Mother Matrix Birth Services

11/26/2024

A cliche "self care" journal entry.

This decade of my life I can feel is very much mastering how to take care of myself and love myself. I have been in a constant state of taking care of and loving others. My children, my husband, my animals.. everybody for the past decade and I can feel that while it is a constant state of new and learning while being a mother, I feel I have at the very least mastered the way that I am supposed to think about it to be able to navigate it easier.
I'll never completely "master" (what does that even mean collectively?) motherhood, but in my own way, I feel I have because I feel I can always adapt and learn and accept as I go.

What I haven't learned how to do so well is take care of myself.. at least not anymore. Afterall i have been rebirthed into a new version of me with every single birth journey.
I think that most people are that way, right? And why is that? Why are we so hard on ourselves? And not paying attention to ourselves and what we need or want or desire?
I'll tell you why it's because that's actually the harder thing to do.
I could take care of 10 kids and 4 dogs and run a business and be a wife and all of the things, but it's hard to sit with yourself and stare at yourself when you haven't even taken a second in 10 years... much less a whole lifetime to start doing that.
So starting from nowhere at 30 years old- 31 years old- is maybe a good thing or easier?
I feel like maybe now I can have the tools to really do it with my specific situation. Maybe it's a good thing that Ive waited this long.. forced to by default or otherwise.

But how do I start? Who am I outside of being something for everyone else? Is there even a difference? Does there have to be?

What is my purpose for the little girl that's still inside? And how do I make her happy?

It's time to find out.

11/26/2024

Birth will always be incredible. In all mammals. In all aspects. In all different life forms. How cool!

06/29/2024

The second born, my middle child. There's something so magical about our bond and the title he holds. I too am a middle child through and through. And while he is actually 1 of 4, he is very much so carrying that middle child role perfectly. His 2 younger siblings are really like one in the same.
He taught me so much about being a mother that I didn't expect. I actually felt like I had become a mother for the very first time again in a lot of ways. Deciding to have him outside of the hospital, and really truly finding my way through all the bu****it is what gave me the confidence to break through to the other side. He ushered me through that threshold coming from the medical industrial complex in to, now, the world of sovereign birth. I made a lot of decisions that felt important and not at all scary and his sensitive little soul was perfect for holding space for that. It couldn't have been anyone else but him. I think every mother in this freebirth paradigm has that one child that they can say facilitated deep healing and gave them the tools to find their voice, to remember who they are, and to birth in the way we were always meant to. That is so special and I am so grateful for him. For, without him, I would not have had his sister in the way that is quite possibly the key to raising consciousness as a whole and bringing humanity back to what we have forgotten we already know. ❤️

03/13/2024

Having children, and having lots of children, is what life is all about. Creation in all forms is what life is all about but specifically the creation of new souls that will continue the creation and art of life.

People have told me, "Are you pregnant again?? You don't need anymore kids!"

Or they like to go on and on about how expense having kids is.
Kids are only as expensive as you believe them to be, and as you choose to make them.
Society as a whole likes to make you feel like you need this gadget, or that gadget, 100 toys, multiple shoes, ridiculous amounts of clothes, thousands of baby products to "make it easier" but that really just makes things more difficult by replacing the things that the mom herself already provides by nature.
Babies and kids are so simple and so pure and truly are the highest form of minimalistic. Adults and parents are what make them needy and maximalists.
The best advice you can receive about parenting and raising conscious souls is to simplify. Simplify in all areas of your life. You'll find that your children flourish in this environment.

I plan to have as many children as the universe and God intends. I feel it's my duty, and others like me to carry on the new evolution of humans, which funny enough is actually just remembering what we already inherently know and getting back to our roots, back to how we used to be. But with more confidence and responsibility to do so.

So if you're ever made to feel like you've had "too many kids" but also have the instinctual longing to have "just one more baby, I want one more baby."
Just know that you're meant to. We are wired to want that as women, as nurturers, as literal goddesses responsible for carrying on the human race. Don't ignore that fact, but also take note and rework your priorities to match this desire and even- obligation. Suddenly this task seems easier, more tangible, and not like you're doing something wrong.
The ones that are meant to have many kids are the ones that will do so with grace and will continue to learn and relearn and heal the earth by healing themselves and passing it to their children.

This is quite possibly the most important role that anyone has.

To be called Mother.

My most favorite quote and what I live by every day is by Amber Magnolia Hill. She says,

"Remembering what it means to be human upon the Earth."
Check out her amazing podcast Mythic Medicine.

02/16/2024

Some still shots from the birth of Salem.

Every time I think about this part of his birth story I feel healed. Healed because I mourned the birth of my placenta with Zane. It was ripped from my body without warning, plopped in a pan and whisked away without me ever seeing it, but not before I heard every nurse in the room exclaim, "oh my God that's a beautiful placenta". And I'll never know what that was like. I felt robbed. I think about that all the time. The placenta is such an important part of you and your baby. It's the quiet mother, the first mother, the intricate and delicate organ that is completely and totally life giving in all aspects. Respecting this organ, is respecting your baby, and yourself for that matter.
Having Zane there to hold the bowl and catch this placenta was incredible. One because I'm just so proud of him, and two because everything seemed to come full circle. He's so special to me and he's growing in to the most loving child.

02/05/2024

This time 8 years ago I was holding my hour old first born son. There are many things about this video that make me cringe, and also bring out the trauma that I experienced. But there are also things about this birth that I've learned since that were monumental in moving me on the path that I am now with birth work. And for that I'm eternally grateful. This experience could have only been possible with a strong and resilient soul like my Zane. I love you until the end of existence, and in every life time. Happy 8th birthday, my Fender Zane.

01/13/2024

The birth of Salem:

I sit here 4 days post partum in a birth haze that seems to have rolled in with the intense fog the morning of Salem's birth. Actually that fog really felt like a protective bubble around my house in a way. The windows were cold and wet and icy like the dew on the ground outside, crunching with each step. The birth high still remains along with the strong uncontrollable urge to sleep all day with the exception of the evening sun that we both feel so drawn to soak in at the same time. This baby definitely feels like the sun is an important part of who he is, hense his name.
Another important part of this experience that has just shown itself to Ian and me is the fact that we have heard the sound of frogs all around us since his birth. Each time we step outside to soak 30 minutes of sun, and even at night when it's 30 degrees. I'm not sure I noticed them in the colder months before. If you read my last birth story, you know we were greeted and guided by a spirit that presented itself in a frog form and then stayed around for 4 days after the birth on the window, just checking in. We've been offering our land and blessing it for a while and it truly does feel divine and magical and like we are being repayed in some way by nature and the animals.
The way I've been trying to articulate this birth seems harder in a way, but at the same time extremely simple and straight forward.. like maybe I'm making it harder than what I need to. (Which is something I said while I was pregnant with him so I think its very fitting) This little boy is simplicity, sweetness, lightness, an airy feeling, comfort, and wholesomeness. Truly a homebody that fits right in from the start. The birth of Salem goes a little something like this-

January 3rd I woke up regular time-early- to start coffee, do my routine, and get things in order. I went grocery shopping with Lilith while the boys slept (usually how it goes around here) and then went to the bank and did some errands. I think I knew it would be the day and just did my usual cleaning and laundry and house work all day. The boys were doing their insistent Fortnite gaming day and fighting over who gets to play and how long and on what terms...If you know, you know. Somehow it wasnt bothering me as much as other days, I was just admiring them and thankful to have them as my children, even if they fight every day.
I remember trying to soak in the last minutes of Lilith as my baby but also feeling overwhelmed by peace knowing that the baby inside my womb and the baby on my breast were always meant to be a package deal. She was always meant to be a big sister to this little boy. The dream that revealed to me that I'd have babies so close in age was before Lilith was born and it was short and sweet and only one word spoken. "Salem".
We kept going about our day, and Ian was insistently checking in with me to which I kept replying "I'm fine, I'm good, I feel normal". While the boys were preoccupied, and Lilith was napping, we had a moment just the two of us to connect and be alone which was really nice but also short lived.
Dinner was made, and we all ate at the table as we do every night. I'm sure the usual "sit down, finish your food", "are you finished, this is what we have" and "stop doing that with your chair" were said 15 times but somehow I don't remember. I think at this point I was already in labor land and feeling spacey and high and like an incredible amount of energy was moving through me. My body always clears out in the days and weeks before birth and I had been patiently waiting for that to happen, but it never did. Until now. I wasn't certain it was labor cramps or p**p cramps until I felt a definite shift in the high of this labor land. Even this being the 4th time I've done this.. im always amazed with how mysterious it all is. It's completely divine and somehow can bring on a wave of amnesia where you forget all the things you already know and have to relearn it all in a new way. I think that's part of the beauty of it all. And also telling for how different each new soul is. They all need something different.
I remember sitting on the toilet for the 3rd time maybe and trying to decide if this was just the clear out process.. or if this truly was labor. I told Ian to not say anything, don't text anyone until I know. I guess I was off, again with the comparisons of my previous experiences of having days or weeks before birth and was definitely lying to myself a little bit. Ian immediately texted Devyn, knowing that this indeed was labor and that she should go ahead and come here and after I told him not to... I also immediately texted her and told her the status of things, haha why was I lying? Time to dive in to it and let it flow, Felicia. From that moment and walking out of the bathroom I breathed a sigh of surrender and peace and loved every sensation that took me over. The vision I had for this birth was something entirely different than what occured, which is also exactly what I felt the whole pregnancy. I felt a sense of "go with the flow" when every single thing I planned on doing during pregnancy, didn't happen. And if it did, it happened in a completely different way. It was a good learning process for me and this birth was no different. I envisioned birthing in the living room, on a palette, with Christmas lights all around and ambiance of warmth and light and I also pictured it happening during the day with all the kids around to witness and the sun shining through the windows. The reality of it was curious, and has given me a sense of the connection between Lilith and this baby even more.

I made my way to the palette in the living room and laid down to allow these waves to take me over while zane watched some movie I can't even recall what.. but I remember thinking how when I decided to "go with the flow" of things.. I didn't think it would be in this way with this obnoxious show on.. but isn't that the whole point of "go with the flow"? So instead of being annoyed I just blocked it out and enjoyed the noise and the company of my family whom I love so much.
Once Devyn got here from Dallas I felt my mind and body shift to be able to go deeper in to the abyss which felt really good. I started having to vocalize through the waves instead of just quietly breathing and welcoming them in my own reality laying on that floor. Now that she was here with her supportive and calming energy I could let myself truly open. My request was that she simply hold space for me with her energy, and she did just that. It was all exactly what I needed. I continued to labor in the living room moving between the bathroom, hanging over my yoga ball, and leaning over the couch. Movement helped me in this stage of labor in that I could transform that energy into something physical and move it out of my body. Washing over me, and flowing through me. Washing over me, and flowing through me. I can do anything for 1 minute. I'm going to meet my baby. My baby, my baby. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was my quiet inner monolog of positive reinforcement that carried me through to the birth, and death of a mother. To be reborn, is to birth your child.

At some point I decided I needed to get in the bathtub. Mainly because it was cold in the house, but I wanted to not have clothes on because I was getting hot, but cold at the same time. So I figured a hot bath would feel really good and give me some time to myself. I definitely didn't think I would stay in there or birth in there and again.. lying to myself that I had a really long time to go. Which honestly has always been extremely helpful in the sense that I'm always pleasantly surprised when I'm birthing after a few hours and not laboring all night and in to the morning.
The bathtub is where I birthed Lilith and ultimately where Salem chose to come as well. After laboring there for some time and finally feeling this overwhelming crashing of waves back to back it was time to allow my body to push. I let go and let it happen through me. Ian was holding me like a grounded tree keeping me tethered to the earth while I reached out to welcome my sweet baby earthside. His encouraging words in my ear created a bubble of our own little realm of reality. It was just for us, in that moment. Not even the video picked up on his voice and I'm thankful for that sweet exchange. Time does not exist in birth, and reality is shifted where I get to exist in a place that doesn't really exist. At least that's how it feels. This place can only be accessed through the portal of birth and I'm always in awe when I'm on the other side of this place sitting with this new soul that I created.
I remember feeling that first grunt push and being so ready to do this. I let it take me over and just kept saying, yes, please, let me meet my baby. Transition happened incredibly fast and I could feel him working extremely hard maneuvering inside of me. He has been the most active during labor of all my babies I think. He truly worked hard and I could feel he wanted to be here quick. I was taken by surprise when I felt him push his way down the birth canal and I had no control over slowing it down and the only option was surrender. This part brought me out of labor land a bit and I thought to myself... this isn't going to work. This isn't going to happen. There's no way he's coming out. How is it possible? It's so funny that i work in the birth world every day and know that with 100% certainty that the only guarantee in this whole thing is that there will indeed be a baby at the end of it and yet, living it is a different story. Again part of the beautiful mystery. This part jolted me in to a place that actually translated to me as painful and I have to admit, I got scared. For the first time. Which, I'm still processing as I write this. Why did I get scared? Why was this so painful? Definitely a humbling moment for me. In the next push I felt my waters release and his head descend once more. As I reached down I could feel the top of his head just inside about to crown. His crown Chakra emerging, and the energy exchange between us of finally meeting skin to skin on the outside, even for just a second was enough to confirm he was a boy, my Salem, my baby. He was coming so fast and without a lot of help from me, in fact I even tried to hold in his head for a moment because I was sure I would be split wide open. In a sense, I definitely was. His head finally emerged and I reached back and felt his little face and his tiny ear, such a sweet moment between worlds. As painful as this felt, that was reassuring and encouraging along with Ian reminding me "remember how much you love this." You were made to do this."

There's so much to be said about a man in this situation, Ian has always surpassed all my needs and im so incredibly grateful and thankful for him.

At this point his shoulders were still left to present themselves and he was moving an incredible amount trying to wiggle his way out on his own and I thought to myself, and even told him to please stop, I need a moment. He didn't stop, he knew he wanted out and eventually (it seemed so much longer, but really was only a few seconds) I reached back and helped him finish his journey with the smallest nudge and he swam out in the water into his fathers hands just after midnight on January 4th, 2024. Ian held us and sobbed as I exclaimed "s**t that one was hard!" After a precious quiet moment I heard, "babyyyy" from my daughter's tiny little voice. My heart is full, my body is new, my soul transformed once again.

In all it was about 6 hours of straight forward and simple labor and birth at home in my sanctuary surrounded by the ones I love and feel safe with.
Delivering my placenta this time I was able to do it easier than last time. I knew what I needed to do. At this point Zane had woken up. Hendrix was sound asleep... I feel this has significance in a way maybe one day I'll share. Zane came in and met his new baby brother and proceeded to help me deliver the placenta. I tried a few different ways laying down but ended up delivering this precious organ on the toilet in to a bowl held by my son and best friend. It was a sweet way to end the experience and I feel complete with my new precious baby boy. Salem Horus Valdez, you are so loved by your siblings and adored by your parents. Thank you for choosing to come through me and choosing me as your mother. You are a powerful force, I just know it.

I will be planting both Lilith's and Salem's placentas together this spring in an intimate ceremony along with 2 trees that we feel appropriate. Giving back to the land and honoring the first mothers of these souls is important to us, I can't wait to share that experience with you all.

01/10/2024

Writing the birth story of Salem Horus and watching the video we captured. It's so incredibly strange to watch it through a screen and then remember how it felt to live it. The two don't really line up. But it's still so cool to see. Hopefully by the end of the week it will be finished for you to read, and maybe watch. Love you all 💕

01/06/2024

The best food for nourishing and healing during the postpartum time are high protein, high fat, warming and simple foods. This has been my go-to this time for breakfast. Oatmeal with Chai seed, flax seed, and fruit. Lunch and dinner dishes are comfort type of foods with lots of bone broth, marrow, tallow, omega fats along with warming Ayurvedic spices. (Tumeric, cinnamon, cardamom, fennel, ginger, cumin) My house always smells amazing too, so thats a plus!

Side note: if anyone wants to bring me some raw milk I would love you forever! 😍

01/05/2024

Salem Horus (Sol) Valdez was born just after midnight on the 4th of January. My biggest baby I've brought in to this world. [Still developing and deciding on a name for this little guy. I'd like to make a post about the meaning behind his name soon though as it feels powerful and relevant]

There are a lot of people waiting to read the birth story but I wanted to post a little update and let you know there will be some footage to watch of this intimate freebirth ❤️😊☀️
But for now, we rest.

12/30/2023

12/23/2023

I dont know who needs to hear this but:
Peeing in a cup, checking your weight, and drawing your blood ritualistically is not prenatal care.