Armineh Gourgian, Marriage &Family Therapist

12/04/2021

Your inner child is healing when you are no longer needing to hide in isolation. Keeping to oneself is a form of protection, one that may have been crucial for survival. Perhaps at one point, being alone was the only way younger parts felt safe. For some, it was the only time they weren't abused.

When parts of yourself start to heal, you may find yourself wanting to find more connections. The feeling of being seen isn't a threat anymore. Being around people is now something possible and even desired.

Healing is possible 💜

12/02/2021

“The book that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”
— Oscar Wilde

12/01/2021

Please read till the end.

John Clemens was only 11 years old when his father died in 1798. As a result of his father’s death John and his family left their home in Campbell County, Virginia and moved to Kentucky. In order to help support himself and his family, John dropped out of school and took a job working as a clerk in an iron mine. Later, as a young man he studied law and he eventually became a lawyer and a county judge. Although he served his community and was a good citizen, John was a poor businessman, and his poor decisions eventually required his family to move to Missouri.

Then history repeated itself.

When John died in 1847 his son Sam was only 11 years old. Just as his father had done, Sam quit school (he was in the 5th grade at the time) and took a job as a printer’s apprentice. Over the course of his life Sam too was a poor businessman, but he made quite a name for himself (literally) as a writer.

Today is the birthday of Samuel Clemens, born on November 30, 1835. Sam is better known to the world today by his pen name—Mark Twain.

11/29/2021

11/29/2021

The next few posts will be dedicated to addressing signs of healing in relation to parts work. It is very common for trauma survivors to constantly question themselves. This initially starts off as a protective mechanism.

Did I make a mistake? Am I going to get into trouble? Do they still like me if I ask for what I need? Will they still want to hang out with me if I choose where to meet this time? These are examples of ruminating thoughts that can take over when a wounded part of ourself takes over. Perhaps a part that is young, that learned to take responsibility for way too much. This is common in households where the child learns that by keeping the peace in someway, they secure safety. The child often also feels overly responsible for others well being.

When parts work is applied here, so much healing can occur! When the adult self can take a step back and look at these ruminating thoughts, it leaves room for curiosity. For instance, how old does this ruminating thought feel? Will I really get in trouble today, as an adult, if I ask for what I need? When the answer is no, it gives us the opportunity to then "reparent" and comfort the wounded part of ourself that is scared/fearful/anxious/stuck in the trauma.

I have witnessed, as a trauma therapist, how the continual practice of this leads to tremendous growth and healing. Your inner child is healing when you're able to self soothe in situations that would previously lead you to ruminate on things that were out of your control.

Healing is possible 💜

11/27/2021

“Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones.

But no. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.

A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said.

We are at our best when we serve others.”

Credit: Ira Byock

11/22/2021

11/22/2021

If you grew up in a family that didn't necessarily have boundaries, starting to set your own may truly feel like an act of betrayal- to parts of you and also to your family.

Change is difficult, but not impossible. You will learn quite a bit about yourself and those around you when you start listening to your what you need. Some will roll with your new needs/wants (and may even celebrate you), while other may (consciously or unconsciously) try to suck you back into old rolls. Know that this is part of the course.

I'm here to remind you that only YOU know what is best for YOU. No one else can determine those boundaries for you, other than yourself.

Just a friendly reminder as we continue to walk into the holiday season💜

11/17/2021

Children need to realize the world is a better place because they are in it. Understanding the importance of personal contribution can serve as a source of purpose and motivation.

Children feel empowered when they are able to help others.
Create opportunities for a child to contribute in specific ways, such as engaging your child in age-appropriate volunteer work, or asking for assistance yourself with some task that he or she can master.

11/17/2021

Gaslighting is a word that is used quite a bit. Let's address it and get some clarity around it.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation to have you question your sanity and reality. An example of this is a partner saying something abusive and then denying it ever happened. Or better yet, a family member making you feel "crazy" about how you interpreted their abusive behavior. Those who use gaslighting may also call you "too sensitive" or mentally unstable. This is a form of emotional abuse, as it makes the receiver of gaslighting question their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, recollection of how things occurred, constantly second guessing themselves, etc.

Here are some common forms of gaslighting:

"Why are you so sensitive?"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"I never said that. Where did you get that from?"

"That wasn't me. You're forgetting how the story played out."

"Gez, I was just kidding. Relax."

What to do if you're being gaslight:

• Recognizing that your being gaslight is the first step!

• Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

• Don't engage in the power struggle. Create some distance to have space to reflect on the interaction.

• Do a reality check internally. You can also use your support system. Ask a trusted friend for feedback.

•Practice self compassion.

Healing is possible 💜