06/30/2025
I have been going though a hard time, a glimpse of the past that I tried to escape going into private practice and leaving hospital systems. My close family member is in ICU in guarded condition with catastrophic brain bleed. He walked and talked into the hospital with me holding his arms now here we are on a ventilator, with half his scalp removed, with a drain in his brain, and tubes in every or***ce. We are doing everything we could to save him without even knowing if the final outcome would be a meaningful existence. He has two small children. I come here everyday to review his labs and imaging, consultant recommendations, and see his exam praying for a change. He has a neurological issue and I am a Neurologist. I sit in front of his EEG and can see and understand what it shows. I know what it means when they say the corneal reflex is absent and the prognostication implications of that statement. I agree ignorance is bliss. But I am told and repeatedly directed to stay my course, I am a family member and I must entrust their care. I am not a doctor, I am not a Neurologist, I must not ask medical questions of concerns that have any implication that anything is missed or anything more can be done. I am told I am too direct. I am too emotional. I need to caress the egos of these doctors and now primarily PAs and NPs that are in charge. I am told to ask the nurse to ask them any questions I have and if not answered let it go.
No one told me that this is how it was going to be.
I went into medicine to help relieve human sufferring, no one told me I would have to walk on ice in order to do so. You see they twist what you said and did and what they said and did to self-elevate. They hit you while you are down, to accept the fact that the fate of your loved one is in their hands. After-all, when you loved one is in critical situation, the "managing team" is GOD.
Just another reminder of why I left hospital systems and went into private practice. To be allowed to do what I can do to help my patients without being fired.
I am Muslim by birth, but I don't know if there is a God or Allah. He was putting a bird that fell out of its nest back in when he fell and hit his head. I just need to know and need his kids to know that I tried my best. And if all efforts fail I hope there is a greater power that knew that the outcome was not going to be good and did the most humane thing he/she could and allowed him to rest in peace.
My Heart goes out to all family members that have a loved one in the hospital and feel my pain.