Turning Point Christian Counseling

03/06/2021

COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Say It Directly:
Change hoping and hinting to saying it.
Say It with "I".
Change wondering, guessing and assuming to asking.
Begin questions with "how" and "what".
Next Skill: Change "Don't Want" to "Would like"
How can you increase the likelihood that speaking up for your concerns will be effective? The phrase "I don't want" is a high-risk opener. Negatives invite negativity in return. The odds are high that your partner will respond with defensiveness. The tiny word "not" that's buried in the phrase "I don't want" carries all the negativity it takes to create a complaining-defending conversation. To invite a more positive response, switch to a "would like" message. Your partner may know what you don't want, but he/she still does not know what you want instead. For example:
"I don't want to go to the same restaurant we went to last week."
"I would like to go to an Asian restaurant tonight." OR
"I don't want to eat dinner at 7 PM."
"I want to eat dinner at 6 PM so we can have a longer evening together."

You can also think of this as changing complaints to requests:
For example:
"It drives me crazy when the car is left without gas! It makes me late for work." Instead, say:
"I have trouble getting to work on time in the mornings if I have to stop for gas. How about if whoever drives in the evenings checks if the tank is getting low?"

From "The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage" by Heitler & Hirsch available through Amazon.

02/27/2021

COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR A STRONG & LOVING RELATIONSHIP
Part 1: Change hoping & hinting to saying it directly.
Part 2: Say it with "I".
Part 3: Change wondering, guessing & assuming to asking.

Part 4: Begin Questions with "How" & "What"
Sentences that begin with how or what are open-ended, meaning that can't be answered with "yes" or "no", which is a dead-end as far as gaining more information. Closed-ended questions that begin with "Are you?" or "Do you?" invite yes or no answers.

For Example:
Alice: Do you want to paint the house green?
Bert: No.
Alice: Have you picked a different color?
Bert: No.
Notice how much more information Alice gathers from open-ended "how" and "what" questions:
Alice: How would you feel about painting the house green?
Bert: I'd rather try a different color since the green we used last time faded unevenly.
Alice: What color would you like to paint it?
Bert: I'd love to try a soft gray with an unusual color like purple or aqua on the trim.

02/27/2021

COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR A STRONG & LOVING RELATIONSHIP (Part 2)
Part 1 covered talking directly and the first skill was change hoping & hinting to saying it (James 4:2 - You do not have because you do not ask.)
The second skill of talking directly is to say it with "I" instead of with "you". Beginning a statement with "I" is a way of helping us to avoid hoping and hinting and to say what we want directly. When you say "I would like to see that new movie this weekend." it removes any doubt in your partner's mind about what you want. See how different this statement is from "Everyone who saw the movie when it came out loved it. A lot of our friends are going to see it this weekend." Starting with "I" means that you take your own wants seriously and increases the odds that your partner will do the same.

Change Wondering, Guessing, and Assuming to Asking
If your spouse is saying or doing something that confuses or troubles you; wondering, guessing or assuming you know your partner's thoughts is the same as hoping and hinting. Speculation becomes a problem if it serves as the end-point for information flow at times when you need to keep the conversation rolling.

Wondering, guessing and assuming what your partner is thinking does little to find out their actual thoughts. It invites misunderstandings. Asking empowers you with reliable information and initiates the information flow that enables you to stay connected as synchronized teammates.

For example:
Your white socks turned blue when your partner did the laundry. Guessing statement = I guess you don't agree with me about sorting the darks and light. (Notice how sarcastic this sounds. That's enough to immediately make your partner defensive.) Direct statement = I noticed that my white socks turned blue in the laundry. Please sort the lights and darks next time you do the laundry.

10/14/2020

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please see the following article I wrote about the increase in DV following natural disasters and the current pandemic.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence is the physical battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a pattern of power and control by one intimate partner against another.

04/29/2020

SCHOOL STRESS: 8 WAYS TO DEAL
School Stress: 8 Ways to Deal is a fact sheet put out by justthinktwice.com, a website of the U. S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA).

Between back-to-back zoom classes, online assignments, parents or sibling bothering you, missing your friends - you're probably pretty stressed. Some people turn to drugs, like w**d, to calm their nerves. But that's not a good idea. Drugs can cause permanent damage to your brain (which just makes things worse) and can leave you with lifelong issues. See these 8 ways you can deal with your stress instead of turning to drugs:

GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST.
Do you have tough teachers this year? Is there drama in your friend circle? Whether you get good advice from them or not, just venting to your (drama-free) friends or family about what's stressing you is a pretty good way to get it out of your system, or at least reduce.

JUST BREATHE.
In between classes, before a test, or whenever you're feeling stressed, try taking a deep breath in and out (inhale 5 seconds, exhale 5 seconds).

SLEEP.
Stress and a lack of sleep go hand in hand. The National Sleep Foundation recommends that teens get 8 - 10 hours of sleep every night. Because many teens stay up late and then get early for school, they simply aren't getting enough. This causes stress hormones to increase.

DON'T OVERBOOK YOURSELF.
You can't do it all, so don't even try. Whether it's because of a fear of missing out, wanting to pad your college application, or pressure from friends, being too busy isn't healthy and leads to stress. Narrow down your activity list to only include the things that are most important to you.

To be continued...

To read more about it, visit: https://www.justthinktwice.gov/article/school-stress-8-ways-deal?utm_medium=email&utm_source=govdelivery

04/28/2020

A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE ON SOCIAL ISOLATION
Research has discovered some negative effects of people who live in social isolation. Current research involves people who live in social isolation on a long-term basis (years) due to age, illness, lack of transportation, etc. There is no research on the effects of short-term isolation, such as what we are doing now. However, some researchers are currently studying it.

NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION
High blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, death. These effects occur with social isolation in a greater percentage than in the population that isn't isolated, but they are not necessarily caused by social isolation.

DESIGNED TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY
Why do we struggle with being socially isolated? I believe it is because God designed us to live in community:

Genesis 2:18 = "And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." This verse demonstrates that we should not live alone, but also the reason for it - to help each other.

Psalm 68:6 = "God set the lonely in families."

Ecclesiastes 4:12 = "And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Acts 2:46 = "And they, continuing daily in one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart."

To be continued tomorrow...

04/27/2020

ANXIETY
Mental Health America (mhanational.org) has published some info about anxiety as part of May is Mental Health Month.

SIGNS OF ANXIETY:
It is normal to be worried and stressed during times of crisis. While worry is a part of anxiety, people with anxiety tend to experience more exaggerated feelings of worry and tension. Some common symptoms include:
~ Uncontrollable worry or dread.
~ Stomach and digestion problems.
~ Trouble with concentration, memory, or thinking clearly.
~ Increased heart rate.
~ Changes in energy and difficulty sleeping.
~ Irritability and/or restlessness.

MANAGING ANXIETY:
There are small things that everyone can do while practicing social distancing or self-quarantine to help reduce the amount of anxiety they are experiencing.
~ Ask someone to be your support buddy. Call, text, or video chat as needed.
~ Exercise at home.
~ Use resources like online support groups or the crisis text line (text mha to 741741).
~ Set boundaries with your phone.
~ Use a mindfulness or meditation app.
~ Set a timer for every hour to get up and stretch or take a walk.
~ Create a new routine.
~ Take 10 deep breaths when you feel stressed.

04/27/2020

COVID-19 AND MENTAL HEALTH
More from Mental Health America (mhanational.org) about what you can control.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
~ Regularly wash your hands for 20 seconds with soap and water or use a hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol.
~ Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.
~ Avoid greeting people by shaking hands, kissing, or hugging.
~ Keep 6 feet of distance between you and anyone who is coughing or sneezing.

HOW TO PROTECT OTHERS
~ Stay home if you are sick, aside from getting medical care.
~ Cover your coughs and sneezes.
~ Clean and disinfect frequently touched surfaces.