Thriving Family Therapy

10/16/2025

In the neurodivergent community, Dr. Mel Houser (the author of this article) has a well-deserved reputation as someone who "gets it" and, more importantly, has reimagined her practice and healthcare in general to address problems that are almost universal among neurodivergent people but widely dismissed or unaddressed in traditional medicine. To the point where I've heard neurodivergent people half-joke about moving to Vermont, where Dr. Houser practices, just to be able to get the care they need for complicated stuff.

As someone who's gone through this myself, with chronic conditions all my life that leave most medical people scratching their heads (and sometimes relieved when I do show up with a lab result or virus that they can finally treat), I get it. And as a neurodivergent therapist working primarily with neurodivergent people, the issues Dr. Houser writes about in this article come up a lot. I'm grateful that I've found a few other medical people outside Vermont (some even right here in Grants Pass) who "get it" and are willing and able to take ND people seriously.

Not enough. Which is why Dr. Houser's work is still so important, and such a great resource.

I offer a new service as part of my own therapy practice trying to do something similar to Dr. Houser's efforts - make the world a safer and healthier place for ND people - in which I offer consultation and in-person or virtual trainings to medical professionals, other therapists, employers, schools, or pretty much anyone who is interacting with a neurodivergent person or people and wants to be more neurodiversity-affirming.

No, you don't have to get special certifications, or transfer your client/patient to an autism or ADHD specialist like me (we're all full, anyway, and sadly all too rare). You can just get on the phone or Zoom and I can give you a crash course in what to look for, and look out for, in working with ND people. You can keep your client/patient/employee/student AND greatly improve their experience with you. It's really not hard, you just have to know what to look for and understand that there really is science (and a LOT of lived experience) to back up what ND people are saying, that we experience the world differently and are not getting the support we need, whether it's simple stuff like turning down the way-too-bright lighting in your exam rooms and classrooms, just for a minute, or complicated stuff like what Dr. Houser describes here, using a whole-system approach to humans instead of looking at things in isolation.

There's a growing community of us who are working on addressing this need. You can find out more about my services coming at it from a different angle than Dr. Houser's on my website, www.thrivingfamilytherapy.com. And whether you're a ND person desperate to find someone who believes you (much less can help you) or a medical professional trying to gain better awareness of how to improve care and results for ND people, Dr. Houser's resources at her website (link in the article) really are very useful.

Of course, you still have to find a medical person (or therapist, or employer, friend, teacher, even partner) who will take the time to listen and at least try to believe you instead of telling you you're just "oversensitive" or "anxious." It's a challenge, I know, and often it feels scary and unsafe even to admit what we're dealing with. But this is how we change the world - by showing up, just a little bit more authentically a little more often, and daring to ask for what we need. And believing in ourselves enough to keep asking, and that needing something doesn't make us needy.

There's support out there, if you know where to look. You're more than welcome to reach out to me, whether you're a ND person looking for better help, or a neurotypical person who is seeking better understanding and how to be a better ally. That's what my practice - and, increasingly, my life purpose, as an autistic therapist and writer and speaker working primarily with ND people - is all about.

https://researchautism.org/oaracle-newsletter/reimagining-healthcare-for-autistic-adults/

A new patient walks into my office, looking like a lot of my patients do: exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure whether I’m going to be just another doctor who doesn’t believe them. They’ve already seen a dozen specialists. Some have said “it’s just anxiety.” Others didn’t even say that m...

10/11/2025

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples

Given that I specialize in working with neurodivergent people and their loved ones, I often come across situations where a client is in a relationship with someone of a different neurotype, which is a common source of conflict, communication problems, and distress. I’ve also experienced this personally, as an autistic person who has had an active romantic life for 40 years and has been married twice. Autistic people, ADHDers, and neurotypical folks communicate and relate in very different ways, with very different expectations. Dr. Damian Milton pinpointed the core issue in his “double empathy problem” concept, introduced in 2012, which at its core can be summarized thusly: people of the same neurotype (autistic to autistic, ADHD to ADHD, neurotypical to neurotypical) generally communicate and understand one another quite well. It’s when we cross neurotypes (autistic to ADHD, for example) that we run into problems. It isn’t, as conventional “wisdom” might tell us, that autistic people have poor social skills or don’t know how to communicate. It’s that our patterns and expectations and interpretations and modes of communicating are just different. From a neurotypical normative perspective, that’s viewed as a “deficit” or “deficiency.” But watch autistics interact with each other, and you’ll see we generally do just fine.

Ask an autistic like me to communicate with an ADHDer, however, and hoo boy, do we have problems. Before I’ve even begun to formulate my thought, they’re on to the next topic, and their constant interruptions (as their brains are exploding with ideas and associations and new topics) feel to me like repeated train derailments. And to the ADHDer, my droning on and on about all the nuances of a topic they (believe they) got within the first 15 seconds after I started speaking sound like the Peanuts teacher, and all they hear is “wah wah wah.”

It’s a problem. And what’s really interesting is that autistics and ADHDers tend to pair up quite often. To an autistic like me, that ADHDer adds excitement, spice, fun, courage, adventure, a drive to experiment that normally I would really struggle with - she makes life more interesting and expands my horizons. To the ADHDer, an autistic person brings stability, routine, calmness, coregulation, an ability to plan and organize… a rock in a stormy sea. At first. As the relationship goes on, however, the very things we appreciated most in the beginning become exactly the things that drive us crazy later on.

Knowing this is common and even normal is somewhat helpful. But I was reaching that point (where I often get to in my work) where just normalizing and validating things doesn’t feel super helpful, and I wanted to find answers that actually help.

So… here’s my first draft of actual resources that are out there for neurodiverse relationships. (Meaning, people of different neurotypes trying to get along. Autism/ADHD, neurodivergent/neurotypical, whatever.) I’ve tried to include a wide mix of formats knowing that, for example, my autistic brothers and sisters will go directly to the books (and then probably dive onto Google Scholar to get at the actual research), whereas my ADHDers will probably react to this whole post as TL:DR but maybe, if we’re lucky, pick a TikTok or Insta account and get sucked in.

You do you. Just find something that resonates and seems to help, and then please, share it with your partner. Preferably in whatever way they can digest, even if it means drawing diagrams or offering a 10-second summary - or using Claude or ChatGPT to generate a list of peer-reviewed articles backing up your TikTok find so your autistic person can do their deep-dive thing without expecting you to get an instant master’s degree.

Here’s the list. Please offer any suggestions or additions in the comments, which hopefully I will remember how to enable. If all else fails, DM me on Insta or FB at .

Resource List for Neurodiverse Couples

Books

Love and Asperger's: Practical Strategies To Help Couples Understand Each Other and Strengthen Their Connectionby Kate McNulty, LCSW – Written by an autistic Gottman-certified therapist who specializes in neurodiverse couples. Offers practical, evidence-based strategies from both personal and clinical experience. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Aspergers-Strategies-Understand-Strengthen/dp/1647397243

Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) by Eva A. Mendes, LMHC – Addresses diagnosis, communication, sensory needs, executive functioning, and co-parenting with neurodiversity-affirming practical strategies. https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993

Armchair Conversations on Love and Autism: Secrets of Happy Neurodiverse Couples by Eva A. Mendes – Features insights from successful neurodiverse couples about what actually works in their relationships. https://www.eva-mendes.com/books/

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov – Award-winning book (listed in Huff Post as a top recommendation) specifically addressing ADHD's impact on relationships with worksheets and practical tools. https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD by Melissa Orlov & Nancie Kohlenberger – Focuses on "hot spots" like communication, anger, and household management with actionable strategies. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/resources/books/couples-guide-thriving-adhd

Understanding Your Neurodiverse Relationship by Dr. Lorna Hecker – Comprehensive roadmap for understanding strengths and challenges in mixed-neurotype relationships.

Podcasts

Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay – Features episodes specifically on autism-ADHD couple dynamics, including interviews with experts like Eva Mendes and discussions of communication strategies. https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love

YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship with Jodi Carlton, MEd – Explores real-life couples navigating autism and ADHD in relationships, with practical insights and the question "Can neurodiverse relationships work?" https://jodicarlton.com/podcast/

Divergent Conversations – Co-hosted by Dr. Megan Anna Neff (clinical psychologist), focuses on autism and ADHD experiences including relationship dynamics.

The Autism ADHD Podcast with Holly Blanc Moses – Neurodiversity-affirming podcast covering mental health, emotional regulation, and social interaction for autistic and ADHD individuals. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-autism-adhd-podcast/id1485255815

Websites & Online Resources

Kate McNulty's Website (AutisticTherapist.com) – Resources, articles, and information from a Gottman-certified, AASECT-certified s*x therapist who is autistic herself. https://autistictherapist.com/

Eva Mendes' Website – Offers psychotherapy, coaching, and resources specifically for neurodiverse couples where one or both partners are autistic or have ADHD. https://www.eva-mendes.com/

ADHD and Marriage (ADHDMarriage.com) – Melissa Orlov's comprehensive site with blogs, forums, courses, and membership programs specifically for couples impacted by ADHD. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

Laurie Budlong-Morse's Resources Page – Extensive collection of articles, videos, and resources on neurodiverse relationships including workshops and courses. https://www.lauriebmorse.com/resources

Jodi Carlton's Website – Offers the NeuroTranslator App (use code "JODI" for 30% off), quizzes, and coaching specifically for mixed-neurotype couples. https://jodicarlton.com/

Neurodivergent Insights – Dr. Megan Anna Neff's site with educational resources, including articles on cross-neurotype communication and the double empathy problem. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/

Neurodiverse Couples Counseling – Specialized online counseling service for autism, ADHD, and AuDHD couples with strength-based approaches. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/

Courses & Workshops

Your Relationship Roadmap: Neurodiverse Couples Workshop by Laurie Budlong-Morse, LMFT – Online workshop with content, exercises, and couples dialogues focused on self-compassion and partner-compassion. https://www.lauriebmorse.com/resources

Peter M. Friedman Neurodiverse Couples Institute (through AANE - Asperger/Autism Network) – Offers specialized training and certification for therapists and resources for couples.

Kate McNulty's Training Series through The Chicago School – Workshops on autism assessment, ADHD assessment, couples therapy for neurodiverse couples, and s*x therapy for autistic adults. https://tcsppofficeofce.com/kate-mcnulty-lcsw/

Social Media Channels

(Rich & Rox) on Instagram and TikTok – Popular couple (1M+ followers) sharing authentic, humorous content about navigating ADHD in their neurotypical/ADHD relationship. https://www.instagram.com/adhd_love_/https://www.tiktok.com/

on Instagram and TikTok – Neurodiverse relationship coach sharing practical strategies and insights for mixed-neurotype couples.

(Mona Kay) on Instagram – Shares resources, conversation cards, and supportive content for neurodiverse couples.

on Instagram – LMFT specializing in neurodiverse relationships with educational content and support.

Support Groups & Community

AANE (Asperger/Autism Network) – Offers spouse/partner support groups, couples groups, and resources specifically for neurodiverse relationships.

ADHD Marriage Forums – Online community where couples impacted by ADHD can share experiences, ask questions, and find support. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

Therapist Neurodiversity Collective – International space promoting neurodiversity-affirming practices with resources and directories. https://therapistndc.org/education/

Key Articles & Concepts

"The Double Empathy Problem" by Dr. Damian Milton – Essential concept for understanding cross-neurotype communication challenges (both partners struggle to understand each other's perspectives, not just the autistic partner).

"Two Different Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships" – Gottman Institute article addressing specific conflict patterns in neurodiverse couples. https://www.gottman.com/blog/two-different-brains-in-love-conflict-resolution-in-neurodiverse-relationships/

07/21/2025

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07/15/2025

My Youtube channel is now active! I plan to continue to add content more actively on topics related to neurodiversity, complex trauma, PDA, parenting, and burnout, among others. Please follow and share!

Share your videos with friends, family, and the world

07/15/2025

I did a follow-up interview with Jill Nicolini on the Global Podcast Network on July 9. We discussed the goal of increasing access to neurodiversity-affirming care for people with , , and other forms of , as well as , my journey, and common struggles neurodivergent individuals and their families face in a neurotypical world.

What do you think? Feel free to share your comments below.

Follow-up interview with Jill Nicolini on the Global Podcast Network, further exploring topics including neurodiversity-affirming care, expanding access to s...

07/09/2025

Is it a trauma response, or autistic overwhelm?

All my life I've struggled with meltdowns and shutdowns in the face of conflict and extreme stress. I always thought this was a trauma response - going into fight/flight/freeze in the face of triggers based on childhood trauma.

What if it isn't that? Or isn't only or always that?

This podcast episode does a great job of reframing dysregulation episodes with a neurodiversity-aware perspective. Highly informative and recommended.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3MpA0trtzuzN40QyLAmiwj?si=bUWSZhSET9mw7Fysd-V7XQ

The Neurodiverging Podcast · Episode

07/08/2025

I've been doing a lot of research and reflection lately on the concept of Internalized PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). Not only because I work with many clients and families where this is a feature of their experience, but because I'm finding that it explains a lot about my own life and patterns.

Internalized Pathological Demand Avoidance (iPDA) is often invisible. People may seem calm or compliant but are quietly struggling with intense anxiety triggered by everyday demands. This hidden form of PDA can lead to perfectionism, procrastination, masking, and burnout. Understanding and recognizing iPDA is crucial for effective support and validation. Learn more about how recognizing iPDA can transform lives.

I've created a detailed article about iPDA - what it is, what's known about the underlying neuropsychology, what it looks like in children and adults, and how to support people who have iPDA features (whether that's yourself or a loved one). If you would like a copy of the materials, please message me or post a comment below, and I'll be happy to send it to you. Awareness helps.

07/07/2025

Often, in relationships, we find ourselves caught in a reactive pattern of attack-avoid, criticize-defend, blame-deny. This can occur in intimate relationships, between parents and children, between siblings, or in any other context in which we are in connection with others.

These patterns can be very destructive, no matter which position we occupy in the dynamic. At the extreme end, they can lead to physical and/or emotional abuse. But even at a more “normal” level, this cycle damages the self-esteem and emotional (and ultimately physical) well-being of everyone it touches. In families, it ripples out to impact everyone in the home, and models a behavioral archetype that will repeat in subsequent generations... until the pattern is broken.

How do you break the cycle?

Ultimately, any pattern of attack-defend relies on one or both parties feeling insecure in themselves and judgmental of both themselves and others. As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango” - but it only takes one partner to stop the dance.

If you are whole, peaceful, secure, loving, and free within yourself, you can break this pattern.

When you know, deep in your heart and body and soul, that you are free, you will know that others’ judgments, interpretations, and reactions have nothing to do with you. There will be nothing to defend. You will see that there is no “attack.” All that’s happening is that your shadow side and that of another person are dancing with one another.

The more you realize that you have your own work to do on yourself, and those around you have theirs, the more you will be able to step above and outside these patterns that occur and see them as information for your further growth - not something you have to fix, react to, or get upset about.

Go inside. Your answers - and your peace, love, freedom, and hope - lie within. Don’t react in the moment. Breathe, observe, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings (your own, not anyone else’s), wait. Discover what part of you is being “hooked,” and observe that as something that you need to work on - for yourself, not for anyone else.

You are responsible for your own growth and healing, and no one else’s. As you grow, learn, and expand, those around you will have the opportunity to do so as well. But it’s up to them to take that opportunity, or not. You have no control over their choice.

What can help you get to this place of internal peace, love, freedom, and acceptance? There are many tools that work, and I can help you discover those that work best for you. This work is very individual and specific, and depends on your strengths and goals.

The process of clearing your emotional space of past wounds, disappointments, and patterns that are no longer working for you is the most challenging, and rewarding, journey you can undertake. I would be honored to support you, wherever you are on that journey.

07/06/2025

On Wednesday last week, I was honored to be a guest of Jill Nicolini of the Global Podcast Network, discussing neurodiversity-affirming therapy and the work that I do supporting neurodivergent people and their families, as well as families and caregivers and professionals who support people with autism and ADHD. The recording can be accessed on several platforms:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/global-podcast-network/id1797171849?i=1000715616513

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6GRkTYIpmBn9eZ8SRiysvg?si=2aPGFVwSSreHuC_0TO2EdQ

I'd welcome your comments and questions below.

I'll be back on Jill's show this Wednesday morning at 9am Pacific for a 30-minute follow-up interview. Hoping that raising awareness about neurodiversity affirming care will improve accessibility and quality of healthcare and support for neurodivergent people and their families!

Global Podcast Network · Episode

06/30/2025

Within my home, there has been frequent debate about whether or not the whole concept of autism – and diagnosis of any kind, whether it be autism, depression, anxiety, or whatever – is relevant or helpful.

My wife, who is a psychotherapist herself with 20 years of experience, was the one who first started calling attention to the possibility that I might be autistic.

At the time, I dismissed the idea. I’d been working with autistic children and their families for years and thought I knew what autism looks like. (I did – in children who are heavily impacted, non-verbal or only marginally verbal, mostly boys and mostly under 10 years old.) I was not yet educated on the full range of neurodivergence, like most therapists – indeed, like most people, including all too many professionals who specialize in autism. I wrote off my autistic features as the legacy of complex trauma and chronic toxic stress.

It was only when I went into private practice and started working with a broader range of autistic adults that I started taking the idea more seriously. Especially when my clients started calling me out (gently, and with great kindness and humor) on my “tisms.”

Eventually, as my practice became increasingly focused on neurodivergence-affirming therapy, it started to feel increasingly inauthentic to answer the most common question potential clients would ask – “Are you autistic yourself?” – by saying “I don’t know, my wife thinks so.” How could I truly support people who were newly diagnosed, on the path of discovery, or wrestling with the complex questions around autistic identity when I had avoided walking this path myself?

So I sought out a very good psychologist (Benjamin Neely) who specializes in adult autism evaluations. To my shock and at the same time no surprise at all, after reviewing my testing results it only took him 45 minutes of clarifying questions to confidently state, “Yep, you’re autistic.”

My world shifted, in a subtle way. Many misplaced puzzle pieces about my life suddenly slid into place. A wave of self-compassion washed over me. And grief. And rage – why had it taken so long for anyone to explain this to me? Why had I had to suffer this long, not knowing something so vital about myself? And forgiveness – how could anyone have known? And my inner justice warrior rose up – there are so many people like me, and so little information out there, and so much misunderstanding, and so much stigma, and so few resources to help.

These tectonic shifts in my self-concept and worldview continue, a year later, like aftershocks after the earthquake. Going deeper and deeper, in increasingly subtle ways. The land had steadied, but the reshaping of the landscape of self-concept (inner and outer) continues.

More importantly, my approach to my work as a therapist and so-called “autism specialist” also shifted in subtle but important ways. I say "so-called" because although I had taken the trainings and done a lot of good work supporting autistic people and their families and loved ones, in retrospect I had only scratched the surface. I certainly knew more than the average therapist who had not been trained in autism and could be more helpful. But I had not fully absorbed the information I had, and I could not fully walk in the shoes of the people I was helping.

It reminds me of what my ex-wife, an OB/Gyn, said about her approach to her work before and after having children. Prior to becoming a mother, she was a competent and highly skilled doctor who was good at the technical aspects of helping pregnant women deliver a healthy baby. After going through childbirth herself, she had a far deeper mind-body-spirit understanding of what her patients were going through. It made her work much more authentic, and much more compassionate.

I found the same, after my autism diagnosis. I wasn’t just a specialist with technical knowledge and a toolkit of possible coping skills and strategies to share. I became a fellow-traveler, searching for answers to complex questions, working with my clients (brothers and sisters) to map out largely unexplored territory together.

My quest for information and training became not academic, but personal. Typically, I went on a wide range of autistic deep dives on a wide range of subjects about neurodivergence and how to live a healthy and happy life with a complicated, delicately balanced nervous system in a world that is all too harsh, loud, demanding, and unwelcoming.

And I started trying to apply for myself some of the tools and techniques I’d been recommending to clients for years. With predictably mixed results.

Along the way, I started receiving a lot of the messages that so many so-called “high functioning” or “low support needs” or “Aspie” autistics receive.

“Don’t define yourself by your diagnosis.”

“Don’t use your autism as an excuse.”

“Why do you talk about autism so much?”

“Stop being so obsessed.”

“You don’t look autistic.”

Combined with the usual judgments and criticisms of my more autistic and PDA behaviors, and the usual lack of acknowledgment about what triggers and escalates these things and the difficulties in finding accommodations for my needs (even within my own home), this has made life very confusing at times.

How much does my autism – and, I now increasingly recognize, my internalized PDA – really define who I am?

How much do I want to define my life experience through this one particular lens?

Out of the myriad aspects of neurodivergent experience and identity, which ones fit me, and which don’t?

How much do I share about this experience, and with whom, and with what purpose?

How much masking should I continue to do, and in what settings? Where is it safe to unmask and let my inner freak flag fly?

And – this is probably unique to autistic therapists and other healthcare professionals – how much self-disclosure in my therapy sessions is healthy for my clients, and to what degree does it start to edge into a boundary violation or other ethical issues?

I continue to navigate these issues, sometimes in consultation with other professionals, both autistic and neurotypical. There are no easy or universal answers.

I do believe that it is important – no, vital – that I self-identify as an autistic therapist. Not just because that’s an important part of my authentic identity, and I wear the label with pride. But also because it might give courage and cover for other autistics of all types and in all professions to self-disclose (if they choose) with less shame and stigma. The more of us there are out there in public, showing the world just how diverse the neurodivergent community is and just how limited (and limiting) their stereotypes of us are, the better.

Increasingly, I’m expanding my work beyond 1-on-1 therapy to include more advocacy, education, training, consultation, public speaking, and publication. I’m scheduled to appear on two podcasts in the next couple weeks. I’m starting to offer consultations on neurodivergence-affirming care to other therapists who are not autism specialists, as well as medical professionals, employers, educators, and others.

And most importantly, I’m starting to use my own voice with greater courage and openness. Opening up my 5th Chakra, if you will.

I encourage you to do the same. Please feel free to share your own experiences in the comment section. As the life coach Lisa Nichols says (paraphrasing), “Let your own light shine bright. If anyone doesn’t like it, give them shades.”

04/14/2025

A deep, nuanced, and well-researched post on the so-called "autism epidemic." Well worth the time it takes to read all the way through.

Autism diagnoses are rising—but that doesn’t mean there’s an epidemic. Learn the real reasons behind the increase, from evolving diagnostic criteria to better recognition of underrepresented groups. A historical and human-centered look at autism's growing visibility.