06/19/2025
Death & Condolences: What Do We Say? What Do We Do?
If you’ve ever felt lost when someone you care about is grieving—you're not alone. I’ve been there too. Even with all the work I do supporting seniors and their families, there’s something deeply humbling about loss. It can leave us unsure of what to say, how to act, or how to show we care.
One of the most meaningful gestures we can offer during a time of grief is a simple, heartfelt condolence letter. And no—it doesn’t have to be fancy or perfect. It just needs to be sincere.
Barbara Bouton, who spent over two decades supporting grieving families in hospice care, reminds us: “It doesn’t have to be in flowery language on fancy stationery.”
The truth is, many people shy away from grief. They look away. They don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all. But death is something that connects every one of us. If we can lean into that reality with kindness, we can do so much good.
So how do you write a condolence letter that actually helps someone feel seen?
Write it by hand. A handwritten note is tangible—it won’t get lost in an inbox or scrolled past on social media. It gives the grieving person control over when they read it, and it shows you took the time to truly care.
Be honest and present. Don’t try to fix anything. You’re not writing to erase the grief—you’re writing to stand beside it. If you have a specific memory of the person who passed, include it. Those stories become treasured keepsakes.
Avoid clichés and assumptions. Unless you deeply know the person’s faith or beliefs, avoid phrases like “they’re in a better place.” It’s okay to simply say, “I miss them too,” or “I’m holding you in my thoughts.”
Don’t say, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’ The truth is, they probably won’t reach out. Again, THEY WON'T REACH OUT. Instead, offer something specific. “Can I bring you a meal next Tuesday?” “Would it help if I picked up your groceries this week?” “Can I take your dog for a walk?”
You don’t have to know the person who passed to show compassion. After JFK’s assassination, Jacqueline Kennedy received over a million letters—from world leaders, yes, but also from complete strangers and schoolchildren. One 9-year-old wrote, “I give you my deepest sympathy, which I know will not help much, but may you have all I have to give.”
That’s the heart of it. Giving what we have to give.
And don’t forget the days after the services have passed and the flowers have faded. A note on the anniversary of a loss can mean the world to someone who feels like everyone else has moved on. A small gesture can say, “I remember. I still care.”
From all of us at Team Senior, we believe deeply in showing up for one another—not just during life, but in the sacred space that follows loss.
With compassion,
Jamie Callahan
Founder & CEO
Team Senior Referral Services
www.teamsenior.org
(541) 295-8230
