03/26/2020
Dealing with Disappointment
You have perhaps already dealt with the first wave of disappointment experienced by your children: the cancelled field trip, play date, grandparent visit. There is more to come.
Most children do not yet realize just how long shelter-in-place restrictions are likely to last. That there will be no town-wide Easter Egg Hunt. No spring baseball. That their mid-May birthday is going to be different from birthdays in the past, and chances are good they will not be going back to school this year.
It’s okay that our children don’t realize these things. It’s too much to take in all at once, and there are still too many questions about how this pandemic is going to play itself out for any of us to know just how long the major disruptions will last. What that means is that our children will be finding out a bit at a time - over and over again - that they cannot do, and will not be doing, the things they want to do or have done in the past. The activities they have always enjoyed. Our children are going to be told “no” over and over again, and they’re going to be disappointed.
Let’s be clear about something: it is entirely reasonable for them to be disappointed. Disappointed and angry and sad. Each “no” is a loss. It may seem at first glance that what your children are needing to deal with pales in comparison to the stresses you are under: worrying whether your loved ones will stay safe; how you are going to pay the bills, get your work done or make those final 3 rolls of toilet paper last until, who knows when. The major stressors you are dealing with are real, and potentially life-altering, but still, it’s a blow to a 7-year old when they realize that even though it is their turn to take care of the class hamster next week, they they aren’t going to be able to do it, and may never get to do it. It’s hard to be waved over to play by a next-door-neighbor but have a parent who says, “No, you can’t do that.” If you are that parent – good for you; you are doing the right thing. But still, each disappointment is real. Each disappointment matters.
So, that’s where you need to begin. By acknowledging each and every disappointment. Validate it. “I know, honey, you love soccer and now you can’t play. That’s hard.” Help your child put into words what she’s feeling or make your best guess, “I wonder if it makes you sad that I am saying no to having your friend over. I get it. You miss seeing her.” Stop there.
Really, this next part is important. Empathize with your child and then stop. Bite your tongue if you need to because you are going to be tempted to follow the wonderfully empathic thing you just said with the words “But . . . “
“But . . . “ wipes out all that is comforting and helpful about your lovely, empathic statement.
“But . . . “ is often a rationalization (“But you know we can’t see friends right now.”) or an attempt to wipe away the sadness immediately (“But we’re having fun together, aren’t we?”) or even a mild scolding (“But I’ve already told you, the answer is no!”). The problem with these but’s – with any but – is that they suggest that your child shouldn’t be feeling what he is feeling, that his feeling is inconvenient or wrong, that it is too big, too hard for you to handle or for him to handle, that the feeling has to go away. That isn’t helpful. We can’t wish our feelings away, and shame makes feelings go underground where they have more power to hurt us and those around us.
So, stick with empathy. Let your child fully feel what she is feeling. Bear witness to it. Show your child that you understand the feeling, and you care that she is feeling it, and it makes sense, and you will help her.
The helping part comes after your child feels heard by you. You can’t rush this. After you have commiserated with your child. After you have let him cry if he needs to. After you have validated and normalized what he is feeling. Then you can start to work on coping.
For some children, this might mean offering a warm hug and moving onto the next part of your day. For others, it might be indulging their wishes in fantasy, “Let’s think of the best birthday celebration ever. Who would you invite? Where would it be? What would you eat?” Encourage your child to be fanciful in his thinking. Inviting a character from his favorite show? Fine! Hosting the party underwater? Not a problem. Serving chocolate-chip-studded mac-and-cheese? Sure thing. The more over-the-top the better. Doing this is likely to get your child giggling, which will help him feel better.
You can also move to more straightforward problem-solving, but don’t tell your child what to do. Invite her to think of solutions with you. The goal is to not only help your child live with this most recent disappointment but also learn how to deal with disappointment more broadly. Does it help her to think of an activity related to the one she is missing (playing going-to-Florida with her stuffed animals), or is it better to move onto something entirely unrelated (making aliens out of pipe cleaners)? No, virtual visits are not the same as in-person visits, and being absorbed in building a Lego airplane doesn’t fully erase the frustration of being cooped up at home. But your child can learn to take pleasure in what is possible, and to shift focus as a way of coping.
You, parent-reader, are doing a great job. You are juggling multiple demands, moving blindly through uncharted territory, dealing with fears and stresses of your own, and still, you are figuring out how to tend to the emotional needs of your children. Yes, it is hard. And yes, you are doing it. Good for you.
If there is a particular challenge you are facing with your kids, feel free to write about it here. I will be posting tips for parents once or twice a week throughout this most unusual time, and welcome ideas about what topics to address.
