11/12/2025
Improving Communication Through Emotion: A Simple Guide for Couples
When couples struggle to communicate, it is rarely because they do not care. More often, it is because they are speaking from a place of protection rather than connection. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), most conflicts in relationships are not about chores, finances, or schedules. They are about a deeper emotional question: “Do you see me, do you hear me, do I matter to you?”
1. Pause Before You React
When conversations heat up, it is easy to jump into defense mode. Before replying, pause and take a breath. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?” This short pause allows you to identify the emotion beneath your reaction, whether it is hurt, fear, sadness, or loneliness.
2. Identify and Name the Emotion
Sue Johnson teaches that naming emotions brings clarity and vulnerability to the conversation. Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try saying, “I feel unheard and that makes me sad.”
When you identify your emotion, you move from blame to openness. This creates safety for your partner to listen rather than defend.
3. Share Feelings, Not Accusations
Use “I” statements to express emotion and need:
“I feel anxious when we argue because I want to know we are okay.”
Avoid “you” statements like “You always make me feel anxious.” The goal is to let your partner understand your inner experience, not feel attacked.
4. Listen for the Emotion Beneath the Words
When your partner speaks, try listening for the feeling under their words. If they sound angry, they might actually be feeling hurt or afraid. Reflect back what you hear:
“It sounds like you felt left out when I made that decision.”
Validation does not mean you agree—it means you understand what matters to them.
5. Repair and Reconnect
Every couple has moments of disconnection. What strengthens the bond is how you repair it. Saying, “I overreacted, and I can see that hurt you,” builds trust and emotional safety. Repair moments remind your partner that the relationship is still a safe place.
6. Practice Emotional Accessibility
Johnson describes secure love as being accessible, responsive, and engaged. That means showing up emotionally, responding with care, and staying engaged even when it feels hard. A simple touch, eye contact, or a calm “I’m here” can change the tone of a conversation completely.
The Takeaway
Healthy communication is not about being perfect with words. It is about tuning into what you feel, sharing it honestly, and responding with compassion. When couples learn to recognize and express emotions instead of reacting to them, they create deeper understanding, stronger connection, and lasting love.
Reference:
Johnson, S. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
