Curren M. Whitfield, LCSW

04/29/2025

"Your child is already doing hard things. Every day." A beautiful reframe in how we interact with our kids when everything feels like a struggle.
https://www.amandadiekman.com/blog/How-Will-They-Learn?fbclid=IwY2xjawJ966ZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBicmlkETFPb1RYN2ZMM2g5TjdndGs0AR5opHqknoV93ZrlXqAgb7jDUGa7cE5FwlFQrHo5pfvDH2pQhPJAJcwnmzO13g_aem_OcvH79TEdbQzebWV_l41kw

Worried low demand parenting means avoiding growth? It’s actually how kids build real resilience. When we prioritize safety and connection, we create space for healing, curiosity, and joy—laying the foundation for lasting strength, not forced compliance.

04/24/2025

If my partner and I were chatting and he said “Ughhh, I’m so stressed out by writing this dissertation, I could just throw my computer out the window!”

I wouldn’t say, “Well, you aren’t allowed to throw your computer out the window.”
I might say, “I know. I know it’s maddening.”

If my boss and I were talking and she said “Yet again I’m having to fight to get this kid what they need. It makes me want to scream!”

I wouldn’t say, “Screaming is a bad choice.”
I might say, “Yeah. That’s totally understandable.”

So when my child said to me, “I don’t want to brush my teeth! I want to break my toothbrush and throw it!”

I didn’t say, “You’re not allowed to break your toothbrush.”
I didn’t say, “Well, you have to brush your teeth.”

My child already knew those things. That’s the whole reason why they were saying them—to try to assert authority, to gain control, because they were hurting and sad and it felt to them like being powerful for a moment would help.

I said, “I get it, I know it’s hard.”

I didn’t say another word.

And then I held my child (and held their toothbrush so it couldn’t actually be thrown anywhere) for about half an hour on the floor of the bathroom while they cried about a dozen things that had nothing to do with a toothbrush really.

I brushed their teeth, which they still weren’t thrilled about. I’m not saying this because it’s a “trick” or because it “works” if your definition of “works” is that it makes children compliant in both action and emotion. My child doesn’t have to be compliant, especially not in emotions. There’s nothing to comply with; they can feel however they feel.

Then we went to their room and continued to have a deeply emotional bedtime because for whatever reason they had a lot of emotions to deal with right now, and this was how it came out.

I feel like it’s very common for adults to believe that if they don’t negate their child’s verbal expressions of frustration, then their child will “think that’s okay”.

“I want to hit you!”
“I’m going to throw you in the dumpster!”
“I’m never going to sleep ever ever EVER!”

You can watch them, or silently intervene, to make sure that an angry expression that is literally feasible (like throwing a toothbrush or hitting a sibling) doesn’t take place. Pick up the toothbrush and hold it, while not engaging in a verbal battle about it. Stand between the child and the sibling, or stand nearby—not like “I have to protect a victim from an aggressor,” but like, “The words being spoken here suggest that both sides of this social situation probably need adult support.”

And you can literally just let go of, or empathize with, angry expressions that are literally impossible (like putting someone in the garbage or never sleeping ever again). Nobody who’s using hyperbole, whether happy or sad or angry, enjoys having it pointed out to them that their hyperbole is not literal. Of course it’s not, it’s hyperbole.

Your child does and says these things when they are mad BECAUSE they already know they’re “not okay”. If they thought they were “okay”—enjoyable for the sake of themself, enriching to their lives, connecting with their adults—they would do them when they weren’t mad.

[Image description: Two cartoony word bubbles, one pink and one yellow, labeled "Q" and "A" (as in "question" and "answer"). The Q is: "How will he know it's not okay?" and the A is: "He already knows, and right now, *he's* not okay." There are little doodles of stars out to the side as well, and my handle, . End description.]

03/24/2025

https://www.facebook.com/PlaySparkTherapy/

03/24/2025

11/18/2024

🎃 🎁 🦃🎄🎅 🎇 A long but worthy read...As the holiday season ramps up, here's one neurodivergent person's experience, from her own childhood perspective, of what the holidays really feel like... not unlike my own! If you're feeling more stressed or noticing more behavioral challenges in your child, remember this time of year can be overwhelming, especially for neurodivergent individuals! Grace, compassion, reducing the "shoulds" and focusing on what's most important for your unique family will get you through.
___
"The weather is changing and my house is changing and nothing feels familiar. Furniture was moved for the Christmas tree and the air smells different everywhere I go, even in my own house. I'm panicked by the concept of change, but I'm going to find ways to feel more in control. Today that might look like joining you in decorating, but tomorrow it might be setting fire to the tree.

The holiday commands enjoyment and celebration with family and friends, but I can't seem to stop misbehaving. I like seeing other kids but I have nervous energy that keeps coming out in ways that look naughty, and I don't feel like I can get along with everyone. lt's a lot of effort for me to arrange my psyche and disposition in a way that makes me acceptable to each person I see. I squirm when you add to the list of what I need to do or not do, or how I need to behave or not behave, because my emotional and mental loads are too high already.

Everyone says that Christmas is not about presents. But the more you tell me that Christmas isn't about presents, the more I'm going to fixate on them, and the more uncomfortable I'm going to be. In turn, I will irritate you more, which will further my own discomfort. Remember that mental and emotional load? If you put one of my presents under the tree, I will obsess over it, because I don't understand why it's been chosen for me and wrapped for me but I can't have it due to some arbitrary date in the calendar. How can a kid not focus on presents? Getting them feels so good. I crave the dopamine surge from unwrapping surprises. All the anticipation is making me crazy.

When I am expected to get people gifts, I feel nervous about disappointing them or embarrassing myself. I want to be thoughtful and make people happy, but sometimes it's easier to resist buying gifts, or to deliberately get them wrong or make them silly, so that I don't have to question myself over and over until Christmas. I can't handle the idea of writing a Christmas card either, because we all know that s**t will be thrown away with the wrapping paper anyway. I do want to wrap some gifts though, because it's a fun challenge and sensory experience. The tape is so cool to play with and those scissors are calling to me. I don't know why you lose your patience with me when I don't fold it how you like. The paper will be ripped up anyway!

I'm physically sick from the volume and variety of food all around, and the expectations of what I should or shouldn't eat and how much. Temptations are everywhere, and my self-control is slipping. I want to eat all the sugary things but I'm expected to sit at tables and make annoying small talk while being asked to 'try this' despite having an anxious knot in my belly. All I want to do is watch TV or play video games so that I don't have to think about any of this.

I'm also confused about what/who the hell Santa is, and why it's appropriate for this particular man to break into my house. I want to ask you a million questions about him, but I'm scared that if I do then I won't get presents. That elf on the shelf is interesting and fun but it's also creeping me out because I already feel bad about myself, anxious about my safety, and completely lacking in control--I don't want to be watched. What does "being good" look like? Am I doing it right? Also, I'm definitely touching that elf. I have to. I can't explain why, but it's mostly because you told me not to. I'm a kid, and curiosity helps me learn how things work.
There is so much I want you to understand. Christmas hats are itchy and the clothes are too hot. I fluctuate between enjoying the lights and being overstimulated by them. I have to make crafts at school and cookies at home, and I'm supposed to write wish lists for things that I love today and might hate tomorrow. None of this makes sense--your traditions are stupid. There are too many places to go, things to be shopped for, people to please, and noises all around. I don't want to stand in a long queue for someone in a red suit that I'm not quite sure about. Why is this song playing AGAIN? If I have to smile for one more picture, I'm going to lose my s**t. Why do you want this? What the f*** are we doing?

I feel every iota of stress that the adults are feeling, and I don't know what to do with it. My behavior is chaotic because I am conflicted by joy and apprehension, by excitement and overwhelm. I want to love all of this so I force myself to participate as best I can. By Christmas day, I am exhausted from smells and sounds and lights and people and activities and hoping and wondering and wishing...then, suddenly, within a small and explosive period of time, it's all over. The hype disappears with the gift wrap and empty boxes.

There are no more gifts and Santa is gone and the elf is leaving and everyone's vacation is over and decorations are coming down. I didn't get everything I wanted and feel guilty that I'm not grateful for every little thing. I don't understand why Santa gave other kids better things than I got, or why my siblings or cousins got more than I did. At least that's how it feels. I think it's because I was bad this year even though I tried my best. And now there's nothing at all to look forward to. There is no debriefing and no closure for Christmas, even though its disappearance feels like a huge loss. I had just come to accept all of this as the 'new normal'.

I've been acting like a 'brat' because I feel overwhelmed and misunderstood. I wish I could be a better kid for you, but this is the best I can do right now. I really am sorry."

By Kyla Mills

Send a message to learn more

08/30/2024

🙌 Neurochild Community

07/31/2024

What you and your child can expect from me during play therapy

07/31/2024

07/01/2024

Responsive Parenting Inspirations 💕

06/05/2024

A necessary reminder about our little ones

A perspective reminder. We all need them sometimes.

05/24/2024

Play is my favorite way to learn! 🥸🤩🤠

Yes, it’s true that Kindergarten has transformed into First Grade. Yes, children will need to learn academics, listen and sit still. But that certainly doesn’t mean that these lessons should be straight-jacketed onto them in the toddler and preschool years. In fact, the funneling down of structured learning is all the more reason to let children play while they can. We must fiercely protect this precious, ever shrinking window of time for our children.

Play is enough. Play is enough. Play is enough. This should be our educational mantra for the first 5 years.

Don't let your preschoolers forget how to play —>
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/06/dont-let-your-preschoolers-forget-how-to-play/

04/16/2024

My Go-To Phrases as a Child Therapist & Parent

1. All behavior is communication.

2. ABC. Always be curious.

3. Connection before correction

4. They’re not GIVING me a hard time. They’re HAVING a hard time.

5. I can be right or I can be in relation with another. I can’t always be both.

6. I can take the time to meet the child’s emotional needs or I can spend time dealing with behaviors that result from the unmet needs. Either way, I’m spending time.

7. Don’t give a lecture to someone who simply needs a hug.

8. Kids do well when they can.

9. If I rule with oppression, I must expect resistance.

10. Does this conversation require advice or simply validation?

Let's normalize connection and relationship over control and obedience. Our children and the world are starving for it.

Send a message to learn more