11/26/2025
I tried the “Gottman bird/bid theory” with my husband… with our kids in the room. 🕊️
Quick version:
In Gottman’s work, “bids” are those little reaches for connection ie
the “Hey, look at this,”
the “Can we talk?”,
the random “Guess what I saw?”
We can either turn toward those bids or away.
My moment sounded like:
“Guess what I saw…”
That was my bid to my husband. That was met with humor.
At first, he responded with confusion and a little sass.
And guess who matched him immediately?
Our son. 😅
More sass, more “What’s wrong with you?” energy pointed right at me.
Then something shifted.
As my husband got more tuned in, and actually engaged with what I was saying, my son shifted too.
The “are you delirious?” turned into real questions: (I cut out a little too early but can hear the start of it)
“Where did you see it?”
It hit me in that moment:
I wasn’t just seeing Gottman’s bids for connection in action.
I was watching co-regulation and modeling happen in real time.
Our kids’ nervous systems are learning:
👉 How do the grown-ups respond to each other?
👉 What happens when someone reaches out?
👉 Do we meet bids with sarcasm, shutdown… or curiosity?
They’re not just listening to what we say about relationships.
They’re studying how we live them.
Have you ever caught your kid copying your tone or reactions toward your partner?
