07/06/2024
Its a Cancer New Moon, sandwiched between two Capricorn moons, which is a rare occurrence. I am am a Capricorn moon natally and my Venus is in Cancer. And this has been a VERY emotional new moon for me. I do feel a restructuring of what I accept in my romantic relationship and it of course asks me to reflect on where I learned to accept very little. Its with a very tender heart that I share this, as when we come to understand these patterns a great deal of grief, shame, and even terror can surface.
When you have grown up in a chaotic environment where there was a lack of care and attention or attunement to your needs you can often learn to track very well what is happening in your environment. You can become invulnerable, emotionless, and disconnected from your body. You can become highly sensitive and empathic to read what other people are feeling, staying hyper vigilant, a very exhausting way to exist I might add. This can also turn into a career as a healer/caretaker later on in life.
You can internalize a belief that tries constantly to care for the needs of others because trying to please your parents could assure a level of survival where they will 'love' you for being a good, generous, sweet girl or boy. On some level you knew that if you had big emotions and you got overwhelmed would they be there to care for you? Who would keep you safe? It would be too risky to find out so better to not have needs. It would be better to not have a full range of emotions like anger, sadness, grief either. Those would be minimized as well, because those are vulnerable states, and it could be dangerous to be vulnerable.
So, you can end learning to be a giver, giver, giver and have as few needs as possible. Receiving then becomes extremely hard for you, and trusting others to be there for you, to care about you, to be generous towards you will probably not even be attractive to you.
Well, this is the pattern I have uncovered within myself, except now I am ready to receive. Maybe it is age, as I am 44 now, but I see how there is less and less ability to give without greater and greater cost to me, without reciprocity. There is less patience, there is anger surfacing, reactivating within me, saying hey 'I deserve to be loved too.' And so a large scaffolding must come down. And hopefully in a mindful way.
How to do that in an existing relationship where the tone was set a certain way and is now desiring to change is a great test of communication, boundary holding, and patience. I have had a tendency to blow things up in my life when I have a realization. I am doing my best to not do that, while also staying connected to my body, my needs, and the new level of awareness that has surfaced.
I have a way of seeing and feeling patterns. I think women especially have this capacity to sense into the subtle energetic intricacies of things, the relationship to things. Men have a way of simplifying things down, cutting off the fat. This may be a generalization but one that rings true in my experience.
The greatest teacher at this time in my life has been my body. Deepening my relationship to it, listening, and feeeeeeling most importantly, has allowed me to stay connected with myself. With what I need and desire. This is present moment knowing, not from the mind and story, but from what feels safe, nurturing and self-loving.
