12/30/2023
I am a messy believer. I’ve acknowledged this before. I am flawed. I make mistakes and sometimes they are really big! I recognize I don’t think like many others! I know this because so many times and so many people have misinterpreted something I said or something I did. Sometimes it triggers a ptsd response where I am desperately overcome with the fear I lived under most of my childhood. A thought that something bad is about to happen that is going to brutally hurt me. And because a lot of the abuse I experienced came from those that had ‘authority’ over me, the more ‘power’ they have (perceived or real) the more terrified I become. The fear seems to fracture my mind and I cannot think clearly. Most everything I do from that point is to escape or defend or protect myself. All that while I am thinking how loathsome I am.
Fortunately, my Father in Heaven met me in my greatest time of need and taught me He didn’t give me a spirit of fear! I am an overcomer and through His Word, God healed my soul.
I’ve still had things happen but I never returned to the person I was before what I refer to as my time of transformation!
Now I have faced tremendous trauma, again! Shall I return to the prison of fear I lived in? Let it not be so!
Have you ever felt any of these things? Do you sometimes feel there is no one you can really talk to? Especially in church? It’s like everyone is more worthy than you and you will never be good enough! Take heart my friend! You are not alone. God is with you and He is the only one who can heal you. And, there are many in your church who probably feel the way you do. They are too afraid to talk about it. And who would understand? And they might fear showing the tears that would surely come and what if they don’t stop. Besides, church is the place you go to see how perfect everyone else is. Few show their authentic self. You feel judged and tragically flawed…and THEY see you the same way! Some of you have quit going to church because of the people that do!
Wouldn’t it be great to have The Church of Messy Believers? Where we all acknowledge we are broken and seeking God’s answers to that brokenness. Where we are understood and gently taught and lovingly held to the Jesus standard. Where the difficulties of living a transformed life is acknowledged and our victories over our history and over our thought life and over our own selfish nature are celebrated. A church where love, acceptance and truth are second only to our relationship with God as the major focus of all we do?
Here is the truth, God’s true church is just that way. And you can find this, in varying degrees, in every church! God’s church is made up of people not bricks, mortar or denominations. There are people in church that can understand you! And if there is no organized way to meet, well, my friend maybe you are just the one to make it happen.
God loves you, knows every hair on your head and anything and everything you have ever done! He has not left you to struggle through this life alone-as an orphan! You need love, support and encouragement from other believers. Don’t give up or in until you find it! God is still walking with you and desires to give you what you need! Seek Him first and all the rest will be added to you.
One last thing… in truth, we are ALL messy believers, some are just better at hiding it!
In God’s most healing love, I ask you to pray for me as I pray for you!
NOTE: If you are struggling with overwhelming situations, contact your pastor! If you feel like harming yourself go to your local emergency room and/or call your therapist or primary care doc. If you have someone close to you, confide in them!
