New Directions For Life

10/12/2025

I’ve been granted the high honor of officiating two weddings. And while the most recent one (a couple years ago) was among the scarier public moments of my life, the many teary-eyed compliments that followed left me feeling deeply touched and pleased with how it all went. However, despite the “success” of the event, and how incredibly special and touching the reception afterward was, I felt certain I would decline any future requests, should they come. Now that I’m more aware of the potential at stake, I hesitate.

It is also the case that I try and never recommend “good” books or books that I haven’t finished yet. I consider both a little wreckless. In a time with so many potential readings around any particular topic, only the excellent and necessary make my recommendations list in the narrow band of study where I’ve acquired some useful knowledge over the decades.

Well, after only 40-pages in to this one, here’s what I can say: 1) The first five chapters are worth the investment alone, and while those are all I could responsibly vouch for at present, I’ll be shocked if I don’t wholeheartedly endorse this work when I am finished. 2) Don’t be fooled by the title: I guarantee this is a book applicable to all—married or not—in a deeply troubled time such as ours. And 3) If I’m ever asked to be an officiant again, I might just say, “yes,” and if I do, it’ll certainly incorporate all that I now know was missing from the last two opportunities.

And with that, I highly recommend this cultural masterpiece from one of the few elders alive in our time!

Matrimony: Ritual, Culture, and the Heart's Work

10/12/2025

Sounds true, and it is, but it also fails to describe what causes these opposing reactions and therefore is of little use as written.

Hurt people will hurt people until they develop sufficient skill with grief. This is a non-negotiable prerequisite in order to move from hurter to healer: I have yet to witness a single exception.

09/29/2025

09/28/2025

There are more, but here are three things you can count on: 1) time does NOT heal all wounds, 2) intention does NOT equal outcome, and 3) overreactions are always related to #1 and an invitation to locate and engage with the unmetabolized grief that will be found underneath every overreaction (hence the name).

I had been SO looking forward to this weekend, as it’s my favorite time of year, and particularly beautiful where I live. Yesterday started out terrible and was quickly going downhill with almost every attempt to make it better. A bike ride had been in the plans, and that didn’t happen. I knew today would offer another opportunity, but it didn’t matter and the disappointment was heavy and unshakable… much more so than it should have been (which, thankfully, I knew to be a clue to look deeper, asking myself the same question I’ve asked hundreds of times in the therapy room whenever I spot overreactions: “When was the first time you felt something similar?”

By evening I found it. When I was five, I missed Halloween/trick-or-treating. I was tired and fell asleep in my costume on the couch. My first best friend and neighbor had stopped by with his parents and a couple other kids to get me. My mom tried to wake me and couldn’t. I remember it well, despite all the excitement leading up to it, I couldn’t be brought to wakefulness and my mom decided to stop trying (given the constant chaos of home life, I’m sure she knew if I was that tired and could sleep, I should. When I woke the next morning, it was crystal clear what happened, and what it meant. I was devastated!

Like many parents, my mom meant well, and with no understanding or capacity for grief, she tried to sooth the pain instead of helping me process it, and despite being poor, she took me to the gas station and let me pick out three pieces of candy, which I knew to be a big deal. Sadly, it didn’t help, which only made it worse.

And so, I eventually found the root of the overreaction and the heavy disappointment that had been triggered from very long ago. But now, 43-years later, I could listen and honor what that five-year-old boy went through, this time offering back: “I feel your broken heart. It makes sense. That was a huge loss for a young boy and I’m sorry!”

Today’s ride was really special, and I carried a little less weight up the hill.

09/26/2025

Having just finished this, I went back and forth with whether or not to add it to the Resource Library. Overall, its excellent, with some chapters including more than 100 citations, and somewhere between 500 and 600 in total (I did not count them exactly), adding even more evidence to the growing mountain of data presented by other incredible research-based books like Gabor Mate’s recent one, The Myth of Normal.

Taken together, the data is overwhelmingly clear: the root cause of mental illness and addictions in almost every case are well known (there are a few, very rare exceptions), which offers a very necessary starting point for getting out of this mess, and while this book offers some very good personal exploritory exercises, most of these authors and books (and certainly these two), don’t have much of a solid grasp or subsequent recommendations regarding what has to happen next (now that the damage has been done), and instead offer starting points more than ending points when it comes to “the work.”

I guess thats okay, because the incredible work they did provides a necessary starting point as mentioned, and years ago that prospect alone prevented me from writing mine for a while (as this type of research-based writing is a huge undertaking), and with these out there now, I feel able to let that objective go and focus on what is still mostly missing from the conversation. But because writing any book is harder than I’d like to admit, I still get upset that someone else hasn’t filled in the holes so I can quit the effort again! 🙂

Lastly, in fairness, there’s understandable reason why this stuff stays hidden, even to these incredible, well-meaning authors. It is devastating and very difficult to reconcile with such painful truths, and interestingly, this author spoke to that with what he bravely penned as the final paragraph of the book. As such, yes, it’s worth the read and will be added to the library when I update it next.

https://www.amazon.com/They-You-Up-Survive-Family/dp/1569243239/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2P3B4U7Y7ZDYI&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hGDkfLihU3QgZd3MRTaGKq0BesPmod-v-12GASIBOJxqjt1sy3m0btiW74v_TzPtKXEVNA7iaS0VlVmZnzbwR-uRVo_arCht5_ivDxss_TE.a8cPCW4lccbsCnmQQ6ppvi_IT14qyiNxCvQzphDadsk&dib_tag=se&keywords=they+f**k+you+up&qid=1758910432&s=books&sprefix=they+f**k+you+up%2Cbooks%2C85&sr=1-1tlnfnme

In this groundbreaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. In a remarkable analysis of science and popular cult...

09/26/2025

Heartbreaking, and I certainly relate (and to many people’s surprise, unlike Patrick, I did not finish high school, but later found away to get into a rather excellent state college with my GED).

It is true more people/teachers are starting to recognize this dynamic, and thank God for that! However, this ignorance still lives on to a large degree as well.

A good deal of childhood trauma survivors in the US received these⁠ specific words on their grammar school report cards. ⁠
⁠
"Doesn't apply him or herself."⁠
"Unsatisfactory"⁠
"Needs improvement" ⁠
⁠
As children, we honestly just thought we were dumb, and the adults⁠ were painfully pointing that out again. No one was asking questions, ⁠especially my parents. They accepted I was dumb too. ⁠
⁠
We must be made aware that we were being set up to fail due to what was happening in our home lives. The poor academic performance, social struggles, and poor self-esteem had nothing to do with our brightness or worth. ⁠
⁠
It was about not being able to focus for having other things on our minds. ⁠
⁠
Such as:⁠
-The physical violence from last night in the kitchen.⁠
-The sexual perpetrator we can't escape from.⁠
-The energy vampire or miserable critic that is our parent. ⁠
-Were we going to have to move again? ⁠
-Is my sibling or mom ok?⁠
-Does everyone know about my family at school? ⁠
⁠
I couldn't apply myself like many other survivors because we'd come ⁠home to domestic violence, neglect, and emotional chaos. ⁠
⁠
I want you to know that you were set up for those report cards, and those ⁠messages stayed with me in my subconscious. We were bright, curious, lovable souls who had too much going on to focus. ⁠
⁠
I know this post doesn't apply to all of us. Sometimes academic performance was our way to survive, but if you were like me, you⁠ took in that you were dumb, which was a lie. ⁠
⁠
P.S. - I almost didn't graduate high school and several years later in recovery, I got a 4.0 in my first semester of college. ⁠
⁠
It was all a lie.

09/25/2025

…losing access to their true, authentic selves in the process. May show up in therapy years later claiming, “I don’t know who I am,” and “my parents loved me,” without understanding that intention does not equal impact or capacity, as evidenced by the incompatibility of those two statements. 😢 If therapy is successful, they get access to their true selves back, initially with ALL the painful truths that caused the splitting in the first place, as those old illusions that helped them survive come crashing down. Here: the good therapist is able to provide what that child always needed but did not have access to all those years.

09/07/2025

Well stated and very true. And the psyche does not mature until such wounds are fully acknowledged and sufficiently grieved.

09/04/2025

Well put! And I tackle this topic some in the political piece I put out shortly after the 2024 election… which turned out to be one of the publications I’m most proud of.

09/03/2025

…and it’s as predictable as the sunrise that this will happen. Additionally, it is super rare for anyone to reach the point of being able to establish and maintain such a boundary. Out of every 100 that would have justifiable reason to do so, maybe 1 does, so… when it happens, yes, it was for good reason!

You are not a victim because your child decided their life was better without you in it.

09/03/2025

Only roughly 99% of my clients need to realize this, maybe more, actually.

You can’t be a good child to a bad parent.

No matter how hard you try, their flaws and dysfunction aren’t your responsibility to fix.

You can meet their expectations, follow their rules, and give everything you have—and it will still never be enough.

→ The problem has never been you; it’s the role they need you to play in their system.

Trying to earn their love or approval only keeps you trapped in their dysfunction.

The only way forward is to stop carrying their emotional burdens and start honoring your own needs.

This is how you get the family out of you and step into your real self.

You begin to live for yourself, free from the impossible standards of a parent who could never see you.

👉 You were never meant to fix them. Start building the self you were never allowed to have.

Join my FREE Training today. Link in bio!

09/03/2025

…and how wonderful the world would become if every parent understood and could provide this. The problem is: most parents need this experience themselves before they can ever offer it. What’s really interesting is that a great number of them have stumbled into the office professing this very need. On many occasions I have heard: “I feel like I need to have a tantrum.” Unfortunately, however, whenever I hear it and say, “There’s likely a lot of truth in that and I’d be happy to give you that opportunity,” there’s almost no takers. On the rare occasion there is, an amazing amount of healing and subsequent maturity is always the outcome. I only wish there were more takers…

When my kid is melting down, they don’t need less love. They need more.
More patience.
More safety.
More of me showing up even when it’s hard.

I used to think tantrums meant I was doing something wrong.
But now I know it just means my child is struggling and they trust me enough to fall apart in front of me.

They’re not being “bad.”
They’re overwhelmed.
They’re learning how to handle life.

And the last thing they need in that moment is a mom who pushes them away.

So I’ll keep pulling them closer.
Even when they’re crying.
Even when I’m tired.
Even when the world says I should be tougher.

Because I’m not raising a robot.
I’m raising a human.
One who feels things deeply.
And who knows that no matter how big their feelings get they’re still loved.