New Directions For Life

02/24/2026

The only path.

02/19/2026

Mountains of credit! The vast majority still say “No!” even when the resources and opportunities to take this path are there. Over the years I’ve had many people vocalize their kind assumption that being a therapist must be so hard, and they assume it’s the terrible stories of abuse and trauma. Yeah, that can be tough, but it’s never approximated what’s hardest. For those therapists who’ve done what is described here, so they can be that necessary healing support, the rejection of that help, the avoidance, and the decision to willingly and knowingly let another generation carry the burden is what makes the job hardest by far! 😞

I read that line and had to sit down. Had to let it sink in. Had to feel the grief of it, not just for me, but for my mother. For my grandmother. For every generation of women in my family who learned that the only way to handle their hurt is to hand it down.

My mother wasn't a monster. She was wounded. And wounded people wound people. Especially the ones they love. Especially the ones who can't leave.

I don't have kids yet. But I think about this a lot. About how the only way to stop the cycle is to do the thing none of them did: heal. Actually heal. Not just survive and call it strength. Not just push it down and pretend it's gone. But face it. Feel it. Let it be as ugly and painful as it needs to be. And then, slowly, with help, with time, let it go.

Because if I don't, I know what happens. I'll be standing in my own kitchen one day. Something small will go wrong. And I'll open my mouth and my mother's voice will come out. Or worse, my grandmother's. And some small person who loves me will learn the same lesson I learned: that love isn't safe. That mistakes are catastrophic. That you have to be perfect to be loved.

And I can't. I can't do that. I won't.

So I'm doing the work now. The uncomfortable, expensive, exhausting work of becoming someone who can hold their own pain without handing it to someone smaller.

Not because I'm better than my mother. Because I have something she didn't: the language for what happened to her. The resources to heal from it. The understanding that breaking the cycle takes intentional effort.

She did the best she could with what she had. I believe that. But I also get to choose differently. I get to be the generation that stops. That says: this ends with me.

The bullying. The unhealed rage. The inherited wounds we pass down like recipes.
It ends here.

02/19/2026

Heartbreaking! 💔 …And liberating, as it goes with truth.

People compliment you for being “easy.”

You don’t ask for much.
You don’t need constant reassurance.
You handle things yourself.
You rarely make a scene.

You’re “chill.”
You’re “independent.”
You’re “so low-maintenance.”

But that didn’t start as a personality trait.

It started as a survival strategy.

There was a time - very early - when you did reach out.
When you did cry.
When you did need.

And the response was silence.
Or irritation.
Or overwhelm.
Or punishment.

So your nervous system adapted.

It learned:

Don’t expect comfort.
Don’t wait to be rescued.
Don’t rely.
Don’t lean too hard.

Because leaning meant falling.

So you became the one who carries everything quietly.

You learned to solve your own problems.
To talk yourself down.
To self-soothe.
To swallow disappointment before it turned into hope.

Not because you’re strong.

Because somewhere along the way, it became clear that if you didn’t handle it, no one would.

Now even when someone would show up, your body doesn’t quite believe it.

Support feels foreign.
Asking feels embarrassing.
Needing feels unsafe.

So you say, “It’s fine.”
Even when it isn’t.

You say, “I’ve got it.”
Even when you’re drowning.

And people assume you’re just built that way.

But low-maintenance isn’t your identity.

It’s what happens when a child learns not to expect care.

And healing doesn’t mean becoming needy.

It means slowly teaching your body that you’re not alone anymore.

That someone can come.
That someone can stay.
That you don’t always have to be the one holding everything together.

You were never low-maintenance.

You were under-supported.

And that’s not a flaw.
It’s evidence of what you survived.

02/19/2026

Love it! ❤️ And, this simple instruction is the key to the better world we all want but don’t know how to create.

Once we realize that children are not property of adults, brought here to serve the interests of the adult world, and understand that this dynamic is completely backwards and that the adults job is to facilitate children’s capacities to bring their song to the world, nothing will improve at scale.

Children come into the world with their own rhythm.

Their own interests.
Their own voice.
Their own way of seeing things.

Our role isn’t to rewrite the music or force them into a tune that suits us better. It’s to notice what’s already there, to encourage it, and to give it room to grow.

Because when a child feels supported in being who they truly are,
their song gets louder all on its own. ❤️

Quote Credit: ❣️

Follow & for more

02/19/2026

Well said, and an excellent reflective exercise/question. I can’t tell you how common it is to hear people say how great their childhood was, while trying to create a completely different one, and they can’t see the disconnect.

Denial is a powerful defense, and a necessary one for children, but we have to learn to give it up and face the pain the truth contains once we’re adults or there is no healing and recovery option available.

I believe we tend to start here.
⠀⁠
“Was it bad enough?”⁠
⠀⁠
That question bridges our inner feelings of knowing something was up, but we tend to confuse ourselves for not having the following factors to guide us:⁠
⠀⁠
We don’t have a frame of reference about a healthy family system - only hints.⁠
⠀⁠
We don’t have specific help to guide us through figuring out what is abuse.⁠
⠀⁠
We don’t have the family we grew up being real or honest about what the family is really like.⁠
⠀⁠
We don’t have the support to go through the dark period of admitting to ourselves that we weren’t safe as children.⁠
⠀⁠
But you can ask yourself, would you put a child through what you went through? Your answer may be what you need to start your recovery.⁠
⠀⁠
What do you think?

02/17/2026

Many people get upset learning this, so the good news contained within often gets overlooked. Yes, many of us did not get all the right inputs and we may tragically still suffer those consequences, but we can use this wisdom to start finding ways of better meeting the psychological needs of children, so that future generations are less challenged, and that is my wish for the world now.

02/16/2026

More excellent stuff from The Self.

Interesting timing too… this was certainly behind the dynamic I discussed in the updated post on anger I out out yesterday.

There’s a reason you say “I’m fine”
with a steady voice
while your chest feels like it’s caving in.

There’s a reason you laugh
while explaining something that almost broke you.

There’s a reason you minimise the things
that actually haunt you.

It isn’t strength.

It’s training.

Somewhere early in your life
you learned that your pain disrupted the room.

It overwhelmed people.
It annoyed them.
It made them uncomfortable.
It made you “dramatic.”
It made you “too sensitive.”
It made you the problem.

So you adjusted.

You didn’t stop hurting.
You stopped showing it.

You became easy to deal with.
Low maintenance.
The strong one.
The calm one.
The one who handles it.

And the more you handled,
the more people assumed you didn’t need anything.

That’s the part that hurts the most.

You learned to self-soothe emotions
that were never meant to be processed alone.

You learned to swallow tears quickly.
To explain your pain gently.
To make sure no one felt burdened by what you were carrying.

Now even when you’re exhausted…
even when you’re grieving…
even when you’re barely holding it together…

Your reflex is still:

“It’s fine.”
“I’ll deal with it.”
“I don’t want to make it a big thing.”
“Other people have it worse.”

Not because it’s small.

Because once upon a time
your pain cost you connection.

So your nervous system made a decision:

Protect the relationship.
Not yourself.

And here’s the quiet tragedy:

You became so competent at survival
that nobody realised you were surviving something.

Nobody saw the collapse behind the composure.

But here’s what changes everything.

Needing support is not weakness.
Being seen in your pain is not dramatic.
Asking for help is not failure.

The instinct to downplay your suffering
is an old adaptation.

You are not in that environment anymore.

You do not have to earn care
by breaking publicly.

You do not have to hit rock bottom
to deserve softness.

You don’t have to be the strong one
every time.

02/15/2026

This is an updated, two-part edition of the very first written piece I ever made public, this time with a prelude and a little back story as to where this and the site I started to put together years ago came from. Following the last two writings, I knew I was closing in on the original goal for the website from the beginning, but because psychedelic therapies are such the rage, I figured there would be one more on that topic. After several attempts, I realized much of that feels as though it belongs in the book, though you will get a sampling of tips and considerations in the prelude of this re-issue for now.

As I mention in this piece, I had a clear vision surrounding the function of the site from the beginning: a freely available repository containing the most useful sources I found over the years, along with my best articulations on the most pertinent lessons from my time inside the therapy room. For a project that has taken years, I am confident that anyone who wants it, now has a freely available, trustworthy therapeutic roadmap to guide them. :)

Prelude: What follows in the next section is a slightly modified and updated version of the first writing I ever made public, back in March…

02/03/2026

In a continuing education course with Gabor Mate years ago, he said something I have wrestled with ever since: “It’s an act of violence to try and force awareness on someone who is not ready for it.” Certainly, such actions rarely bring about the necessary changes in those we may be trying to reach/help, but ignorance and an abdication of responsibility (for working on our unresolved wounds) also leads to violence being continually perpetrated on others as well. 🤔

Anyhow, as I mentioned a few posts ago, knowing the challenging nature surrounding much of what I post, and Gabor’s position as described above, I decided I would never ask for a follower, and I would trust forces greater than myself with bringing anyone who needs it, and is ready for what I’m offering; however—and this is a first for me—I would certainly recommend anyone following me to also follow this page. While I have been impressed with much more of what is showing up in the therapy/mental-health world in general the last couple of years, this is currently the best I’ve come across so far!

They like to say trauma made you strong.

They say it like it’s a compliment.
Like it was a gift.
Like something noble came out of it.

But what they’re really doing is skipping past the damage.

Because trauma doesn’t make people strong.
It rewires them.

It puts your body on constant alert.
It teaches your stomach to clench before your mind even understands why.
It trains your nervous system to scan for danger instead of rest.

It doesn’t give you resilience -
it takes away ease.

You didn’t become “so capable” because you believed in yourself.
You became capable because failure wasn’t safe.
Because needing help didn’t lead to help.
Because collapse wasn’t an option anyone would tolerate.

So you adapted.

You learned to stay functional while dysregulated.
You learned to keep going while exhausted.
You learned to smile while bracing.
You learned to perform okay-ness while your body carried the impact.

That’s not strength.
That’s survival under pressure.

And when people say, “You’re stronger because of what you went through,”
what they often mean is:
“I don’t want to sit with what it cost you.”

They don’t want to look at the sleep problems.
The digestive issues.
The hypervigilance.
The way your body never fully stands down.
The way joy still feels fragile.
The way safety feels unfamiliar.

Calling you “strong” is easier than admitting you were harmed.

Because if they admit trauma damages people,
they’d have to admit something should have protected you… and didn’t.

You didn’t gain strength from trauma.
You paid for survival with your nervous system.

You paid with your body learning to live in readiness.
With your emotions learning to stay contained.
With your needs learning to wait indefinitely.

And here’s the part that matters:

Naming this doesn’t make you weak.
It doesn’t undo your resilience.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means you’re finally telling the truth.

You survived something that required adaptation; not because it was good for you,
but because you had no choice.

And now, healing isn’t about becoming stronger.

It’s about giving your body permission to stop proving it.

01/30/2026

Oh, how I wish this wasn’t true. 😢

I love nothing more than human behavior. And when I posted this on Twitter, I found tons of comments (mostly from men) who felt extremely angry about this post.

Many were offended at “scared little boy” and how “negative” that was. Lots of them saying it didn’t even matter or that I needed to get off social media, be the cat lady I am, and lots of comments about my appearance.

What’s interesting is just how deep we condition men to be seen as powerful as strong. And that being a scared little boy is the worst possible thing a person can be. It also speaks to how much we fear the vulnerable parts of ourselves. And how much it scares us that our unmet needs can drive us in ways we don’t fully understand. Or even want to face.

There is nothing inherently bad or wrong about being a workaholic. It’s only negative if it impacts your relationships, if your children feel the impact, or it leaves you feeling empty. Our wounds can drive us to be ambitious, resourceful, and to accomplish things we could never dream of.

The truth is, most of us are children in adult bodies. We’re making things up as we go. We’re scared, and sometimes we’re living our lives for the approval as others as we suffer not understanding why.

To know ourselves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. To know that when we chase certain things: power, success, or money sometimes we’re chasing these things to fill a void. And when we do anything to fill a void, it’s a matter of time before we feel depressed again.

When have the courage to look deeper, to ask ourselves why— we heal. When we look at why something brings out such strong emotions, we become self aware. Emotions are context clues, let them teach you

01/10/2026

During a continuing education session I attended years ago with Dr. Gabor Maté, he made the claim that it is an act of violence to try and force an awareness on someone who is not ready for it. I’ve carried that consideration ever since. It is one reason I will never ask anyone to follow this page, or market my therapeutic work in the traditional sense. And yet, it is also true that violence will almost certainly remain in motion for those who need but refuse such awareness and corrective action, as I am routinely reminded of as well.

For example, I had been working with someone recently who wasn’t physically abusive but was capable of severe and very disturbing acts of psychological abuse. The source: extreme childhood abuse and neglect—the very kind discussed in this piece. But the refusal to take such wounding as seriously as it needed to be, and the subsequent refusal to take up the necessary apprenticeship with grief (the work) in order to begin metabolizing that unresolved pain meant his wife and young child would continue to pay the price for what had happened to him (with interest, as is common, through a psychological phenomenon known as a repetition compulsion, which my last post/book recommendation, For Your Own Good, by Alice Miller, expertly articulates). In the end, continuing the abuse until the relationship was completely destroyed was preferred over the truth and the painful vulnerability it would bring.

As I have found the increasing courage necessary to publish the more difficult but important lessons from inside the therapy room, not unsurprisingly, the reactions have also changed. I knew when I was writing this one in particular (likely the most important one I have published to date), that it would also be the most stirring too. The response: the highest praise (almost all in-person or private message, however), and… the least shared by a considerable margin. As I say in the piece, this subject remains very taboo, and I suspect that explains the lack of sharing.

Gabor is right: We cannot force awareness. But through decades of rigorous study and the blessings that came my way inside the therapy room, I can make these important lessons freely available and that’s the path I have chosen. From there, I let the Gods decide who finds it and what happens with it thereafter. I certainly appreciate those who’ve courageously engaged with it and/or moved it along. I know it’s difficult material to reconcile with, and I also know the beautiful world that could be if everyone (yes, everyone) took up the work I’ve long advocated for. Not having much influence over that component, however, has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life.

Over the years I have been blessed to discover many of the reasons that explain the overall lack of progress with regard to the behavioral…

01/08/2026

I'll be adding a couple things to the Resource Library and updating that soon. One idea I've had for a while is to consider replacing a book or two down the road so that there's never more than 10, with the final combination providing anyone who read all of them the best odds of a successful therapeutic roadmap and outcome. And while I was wondering what I might have to cut down the road, there is zero chance this one ever gets the chopping block: It's far too good and important, not only for individuals, but for the species as a whole! And, I just happened to see Amazon has it listed at quite the discount right now, so thought I'd make a quick mention/recommendation for anyone interested.

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence