Samantha Finley, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

01/05/2024

“As Bridbord put it, ’Real self-reflection comes in terms of trying to figure out what’s me, what’s them, and what are we creating together.’”

A step-by-step guide to getting through one of the most common triggers in a relationship.

10/08/2022

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=544165181047380&id=100063617076378

When someone approaches us with something that is hurting them, they are often seeking validation and empathy.

They are seeking to be warmly held in a moment that is very real and vulnerable to them.

The way we look at someone, how we turn towards them with our body language, the way we touch them in those highly sensitive and charged moments matter.

Our responses to those moments can either build upon the relational bridge, or they can damage it.

If we fight to be right as someone we care about sits in their pain, we have lost access to one of the most important elements of intimate relationship.

If we fight to be right as our loved one continues to share and expose deep vulnerabilities to us, we can push away and crush their feelings of safety with us.

Relationships invite us to check in with ourselves and notice all the small ways we can unknowingly invalidate our people.

They invite us to make space for someone’s pain, even if their logic might not make sense to us.

They invite us to see all the disconnected ways we may have responded in the past, and they challenge us to learn new ways that preserve the safety and connection of the relationship.

Simply acknowledging our inability to understand and taking time to reflect on what might be getting in the way can often do wonders.

Here are some words that might help to name and acknowledge your inner experience, in order to cultivate more safety and connection for both people involved.

“I’m really struggling to hear you and I’m not sure why.”

“This is really hard for me to hear. I wonder if this is triggering something of mine.”

“My capacity is super low right now which has nothing to do with you.”

“Can we try that again? I responded really poorly the first time you shared.”

“I’m feeling really closed off and defensive right now.”

What kind of words/phrases help to soften your defenses after not feeling heard by someone?

My Attachment 101 course is 30% off for the entire month of October! Along with the course, you will receive access to two live Q+A calls with me this month. Link to the Attachment 101 course here: https://mark-groves.mykajabi.com/attachment-101-silvy

02/18/2022

Have you ever reflected on an argument you had with your partner and just thought, “We do not get each other”? Or maybe you find yourself wondering, “Why does this matter so much to them? Why can’t they see it from my perspective?” Or even, “Why does this matter so much to me?”

The latest release from the Gottman Relationship Coach, Dealing with Conflict, is here to help you uncover the answers to those questions and more.

Every individual is unique, which means every relationship is an equally singular combination of dreams, opinions, viewpoints, and proclivities. Dive deep into the inner world of your relationship and gain an understanding of each other to ease communication and conflict—only on our new Gottman Connect platform.

Purchase the Gottman Relationship Coach: Dealing with Conflict today and work toward “getting” each other, even in conflict: http://bit.ly/3iaoR1K

Please note: This post is not intended to address situations of abuse.

08/15/2021

05/18/2021

How do you answer your partner's "bids for connection"?

05/06/2021

How often do you wear rose-colored glasses with your partner?

When we focus on our partner's negative traits, we tend to see more of the same. Dr. John Gottman calls this Negative Sentiment Override, where partners are so habituated to seeing their partner's negative traits, they miss out on the good ones.

Fortunately, acknowledging the bright spots in your relationship can have the same snowball effect. Start Loving Out Loud today: http://bit.ly/3qvmVEh

10/09/2020

Yessssss!!! Bids are so important and reading them can be hard but once we turn toward them the dance of our relationships can be so beautiful!

Under the pressures of the daily grind, overcome by personal challenges and the mounting uncertainties about the future, you may be feeling too tense or flustered to notice opportunities to connect.

"Aren't the plants growing nicely?" or "I want to show you my favorite childhood movie!" become a distraction or annoyance. When you miss these bids from your partner, you're essentially turning away from them—neglecting the very person who may best be able to help you relieve stress.

To help identify and turn towards bids, think about this list of possible meanings or categories your partner's bids might be falling under. Is their chin on your shoulder a bid for affection? Even what seems like a passing comment or question could be an opportunity to connect.

Read how you can start paying attention to bids: https://bit.ly/34Nj3oS

10/02/2020

Stonewalling is the last of the Four Horsemen identified by Dr. John Gottman. This happens when one partner is flooding or trying to avoid going there. They withdraw from interaction both verbally and non-verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.

The good news is that there is an antidote: agree to take a break to practice self-soothing.

Learn how to spot flooding and keep stonewalling at bay with The Art and Science of Love Online video workshop. Use the code ASL10SOCIAL to receive 10% off: http://bit.ly/2x6jfC7