09/27/2025
When I was little, I had C-PTSD and didn’t know it.
(I didnt find this out until in my 30s after having my daughter & post partum)
There was no language for what I was going through and no help anywhere in sight.
Because of the S3xual Abuse I endured, my body never felt like mine.
I never felt safe in my body.
I hated being a girl.
I hated pink!
(Crazy due to how much I love it now)
I hated becoming a young woman.
The older and curvier I got, the more trapped I felt.
I fantasized about chopping off my private, ripping off my skin and my breasts.
I felt stuck on earth in a woman’s body while men seemed to hold all the power and freedom — power they also used over me and my body.
I felt used and discarded.
Like an alien who never fit in.
If s3x changes had been widely available back then, I probably would have believed that was my answer — a way to escape the deep emotional pain I was in.
I self h4rmed.
I had dark thoughts.
I daydreamed about dying.
I put myself in harmful situations on purpose hoping something would happen, and nothing did.
The more catcalling I experienced…
The more random hands that touched me without consent in nightclubs…
The more men commented on my body…
The more I hated being a woman.
The more I hated being on earth.
Looking back now, I’m grateful that changing s3xes wasn’t as accessible then.
Because if I had made permanent changes to my body from that place of pain, I know I’d regret it today.
I completely understand what it’s like to feel trapped in a body and a life that doesn’t feel like home.
I understand feeling like you don’t belong.
I understand feeling like an alien on this planet.
The emotional torment and pain of that were excruciating — and they were also part of a huge transformation for me.
So when I speak on this, it’s not from judgment.
It’s from lived experience and deep empathy and compassion.
And I still gently say: wait until you’re at least 18 before making any permanent decisions about your body.
I’m not just speaking to S3x changes I’m speaking to aesthetic changes as well.
In the meantime, give yourself room to explore every other form of self-expression and work through layers of self love and self acceptance.
Try different healing therapies and modalities, especially somatic work.
Take theatre or acting classes.
Move your body through different forms of exercise and dance.
Use your voice.
Make art.
Be creative.
Seek connection to the Divine or a higher power — these were the things that helped me the most, saved my life, and slowly restored my self-esteem and confidence in even knowing who I was beyond a physical Tupperware container.
Allow yourself to discover many facets of who you are before altering your body forever.
And then, if at 18 you still want to make a permanent change, go for it — but at least you’ll be choosing from a place of deeper self-knowledge instead of raw pain.
** i talk about themes like this in my memoir that came out this year and go deeper into how trauma impacted different aspects of life
You can check out my memoir in the comments. 👇
