09/22/2024
Humility post:
I’ve been trying to navigate how to establish quality time with a teenager while respecting his boundaries and giving him space to evolve as a man.
I’ve made many mistakes over the years.
I have tried to be a male figure out of fear of the damage the absence of a father could create. In the last year, God has shown me, how in times when I needed to be soft, gentle and nurturing, I was harsh, tough, slow to understanding. I felt as he got older he needed that and wasn’t getting it from anywhere. While that may be true, it wasn’t my place to do that. I was so caught up in feeling bad that out of all my success I felt I had failed at giving my son a proper “father” that I forgot to just be…just be his mother.
All of 9th grade year was whooping both of our BUTTS in overtime! I panicked. I felt out of control over him, his life, his choices, his future, and everything related to him. I was fighting demons trying to reach him, save him and protect him. While doing so, I was fussing, I was grounding, I was taking away things he loved in the name of discipline because I felt he needed toughness at this stage. As a result, I overlooked so many changes while preaching “be a leader not a follower”, being angry with him because he “knew better.” The whole time, he was STRUGGLING, becoming a shell of himself.
I kept hearing, “stop yelling at him” but it was hard because I felt defeated. I felt I was losing. I finally could empathize with parents who give up on their children because it is HARD!
We had fallouts, hard conversations, times we both cried and couldn’t stand each other. I kept trying to understand and reach him. Then one day, I looked at him, and couldn’t recognize him. I asked him if he was depressed. He said he didn’t know because he didn’t know what that looked or felt like. Fast forward to finally finding him a therapist, severe and anxiety and depression.
My baby needed my comfort when I was fussing. When I was disappointed, he was drowning.
I felt bad bc “I should’ve known better.”
A side of single parenting people don’t see is that it’s just me. Just my perspective. Just my opinion. I was trapped between not to coddle him so I can prepare him for the real world and just being sensitive to his needs.
But as God would have it because He is gentle, loving, patient, all knowing and forgiving. He gave me and us a second chance. The opportunity to start over, invest in our relationship, grow closer, bond tighter and have room from healing. Jory is doing school from home unexpectedly but I now can see, God was up to something. We needed this. I got my son back.
I don’t know who this is for. Nobody has it figured out. It’s hard. As I always say, it’s never easy but it’s always worth it.
He will never be too big or too old to be in presence and be loved. He can lay here forever.
