09/01/2020
(Warning…. a little long) Oh peeps. Where do I begin. Well I have been on an exceptionally long break from social media and from life if I am completely honest.
Today is bittersweet. I felt like today was the perfect day to step back out into the world and my life again. These pictures mark one year apart from last year to today. The first photo, I was on cloud nine because I was so proud of myself for signing the papers on my property for my business that I worked so hard to build for years. I thought..... I finally made it. Everything I worked for has finally paid off and now it is my time to build this thing of mine.
I was working 50 to 60 hours a week, but I loved it and I knew that I had a gift to share with the world. Something that was uniquely from me. I had planned out 2020 with monthly, quarterly and year end goals and the roadmap to get there..........and then the pandemic hit. Overnight, everything changed. Like for all of us, the rug was pulled out from underneath me.
In a matter of days, I had lost my employees, I lost 80% of my business overnight, I found out someone close to me was betraying me probably the whole time they have been in my life (and stealing from me), oil prices tanked, my husband had to furlough over 50% of his employees, he and the rest of his employees had to take pays cut for his business to survive. All of these events meant we had to make quick financial decisions for our life, and I had to make the difficult decision to put my business property up for sale. I had no choice. I had to let go of all of my dreams that I had worked so hard for and then I shut down. Talk about the ultimate gut punch.
I tried to put on a brave face and pretend that I was staying strong and figuring out new ways to invent myself within my business, but I was devastated. The betrayal I felt from the individual that had been doing things behind my back, to the exhaustion I felt from working long hours, the sadness I felt to see all of my hard work end overnight, and trying to figure out my next move. I had nothing left to give. I was trying to give from an empty cup and the thought of having to post on social media to keep momentum in my business and to try and keep up a facade literally brought me to tears. At that point, I literally checked out of my life because I felt broken. I could not keep going at the pace I was trying to go.
I had to stop, sit, and listen. What was it inside that needed to be healed? Turns out there was so much within me that needed my attention, but I was too busy with the velocity of life that I had not been paying attention. Once I sat and listened, I realized that my priorities had gotten distorted. I had gotten way off track and deviated from my true purpose and vision. I had forgotten why I got into this line of work and I was chasing the wrong things. I went through all of the stages of sadness, grief, anger, mourning and loneliness. When in quarantine, you cannot escape these emotions and the messages that come from within. Boy did it hit me like a freakin freight train. I isolated myself because that is what I do as a defense mechanism that served me well when I was younger to escape the abusiveness of my surroundings as a child. I guess I did feel beat up a little.
What was I isolating myself from? I was isolating myself because I needed to heal and when I’m in that state I am very fragile ( side note: every time I use the word fragile I think of the movie a Christmas Story when they say fra-jil-le). I went right back to that little girl who was bullied and abused growing up who does not know how to navigate the world. But I am not a little girl anymore and this defense mechanism no longer serves me.
I was isolating myself from the meanness, cruelty, and hatred of people these days especially on social media but also in real life. I reminded myself that I have the power to engage, not engage, delete, or block. I also have the power to set boundaries and use my voice. I should not allow the cruelty of others to deter me from expressing myself, sharing helpful information and spreading hope to those suffering with hidden diseases. My goal is to be intentional in my messages, share my story and experience and maybe share a few laughs and snippets of who I am along the way. I pride myself on being authentically me with a side of genuineness and goofiness, but I have not really allowed myself to do it all of these years because of FEAR. Fear is what was isolating me – fear of the unknown, fear of what’s next, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being smart enough, fear of others cruelty, and fear of opening up to the world. Because if you want to start an online business you gotta be willing to open yourself up and let everyone know you exist particularly on social media.
Learning lesson #1 - I have a purpose (as I believe we all do) and my heart has always been called to be of service. Ever since I was young, I knew God called upon me to help others, but I could never figure out in what capacity. My purpose is to help others with chronic diseases, to give them hope that they can overcome their illness, to educate and empower people to help them regain control of their health and to provide information on alternative ways to improve their health. I want to be a beacon of light to people living with illness and put smiles on people’s faces with my tell like it is personality and my big heart to help others. I need to shed fear and ego to accomplish this.
Learning lesson #2 - If I am willing to take a step back and look at the gifts that my experiences over the last 5 months have taught me then that is when healing and forgiveness sets in and forward movement begins. I am so grateful for everything I have gone through over the last few months. It brought me back to my true self, self-acceptance, and purpose. I have also been reminded just how much I have to be grateful for in my life. I have all I need in life right where I am and anything else is just a cherry on top. I had to go through all of this to see the real riches in my life that have nothing to do with money.
So here I am opening myself up to the world and hopefully making a small impact and helping to change a few lives along the way.
Today, I turned in my keys, I signed the papers to close one chapter and to start a new one. I have decided to make a fresh start and to change the name of my business (although I have not finalized my decision yet on what it will be). I am working on building my online presence and about to launch some new services! Here is to new beginnings! I am feeling stronger, braver, happier, and more courageous. Thank you for reading.
Oh, and if you don’t mind please help a girl out and follow me on IG !
