07/17/2024
These are all the posts about April 11, 2022 combined into one post. I had a couple of people ask about reading them all together.
So, a little about what happened on April 11, 2022 (first day of spring break for that school year). I had taken Sawyer to mow the grass for one of the several people he cut grass for. We had come back and he said he wanted to go by Lotta Burger for lunch. We went by there and he said he’d buy my lunch “as long as I paid him back.” So, we went home to eat and he loved on his momma with his sweaty self and she just loved on him back. She left a little while longer to go her parents for a visit. He took a shower and watched a “scary” movie with Celia. He was making fun of her for being scared. They were laughing and carrying on like they always did. They had a special and very close relationship. Later that evening, I had finished one of my assignments for the Ed.D. program that I was in and I started watching “The Pacific” on Max (which I can no longer watch). I all of sudden heard Celia yelling, “Dad! Dad! Dad!” I run to where she was and yell for her to call 911….that’s all for now.
Continued….
There are certain things I want to share through this journey about Sawyer but I don’t want to upset anyone. One thing I’ll say is that I did CPR on him for I don’t know how long. I thought I could save him. I did all I knew I to do. When Richard Palmer put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “Coach, I need you to turn and look at me.” I did. He was crying and he said, “I’m so sorry.” I just fell into his arms crying. Afterwards, I went back to hold my son. I held him for the first time in his life and for the last time. Everything was a blur after that. I remember running through the house asking where Celia was and I was told that our neighbor Sabrina Manning Smith had her at her house (for which I am thankful). There are things that I have left out for the sake of others, especially Aleen and Celia. I don’t want people to have images in their heads about what my Bubba went through. I deal with those frequently everyday. One thing that really stands out in my mind is Donnie Wallace being the first person that I saw from the school. He was crying and we just hugged. I remember the yard being so full of so many people. I don’t know how much time had passed but it seemed like an eternity. I remember Randy Muffley standing at the end of my sidewalk with his arms outstretched and I just fell into him and cried. Doug Crane followed me through the house as I gathered my things to leave. For those that were there, thank you.
Well, I'm done with my work for this morning. I worked hard at it for two hours.
I'd like to continue a little more about Sawyer.
Again, there are some details that I will leave out because, as Aleen said the other day, "There are some things that need to stay within the family." As she has reminded me many times, I have said in wedding ceremonies that I officiated that "A woman's intuition is much more keen than a man's, and if your wife advises you to do or not to do something, then you should heed her advice." One thing I remember from that night is Heather Davis Brister sitting on the bathroom floor at our neighbor's house, just hugging Celia while Celia held her dog, Arial. There were so many women who came and just loved on Celia that night, Annette Eubanks Meek, Heather Clark Lilly, and Erin Crane. I remember the sheriff's department telling me we could only return to the house once they had finished their investigation. Once they finished, I was told there was nothing in Sawyer's room to explain why he did what he did. I want to know why. I remember returning to the house, and the TV had the Roku screensaver scrolling. I still have a hard time looking at that screensaver today. It triggers images from that night. I have asked that question many times and continue to ask it today. I looked at his viewing history on YouTube, and he was researching Winston Churchill's speeches about never giving up and never giving in. At 6:15 that night, Sawyer entered the living room, sat on the couch, and asked me what I was watching. I told him and explained what it was, and he said that he wanted to watch it. He asked if he could watch it, and I said, "Sure, it is a great mini-series." He said, "Dad, I need a new phone case because my phone is starting to come out of my case." I told him to screenshot the case he wanted, and I would buy it for him. I still have that screenshot on my phone and every text and picture he sent me. After he sent me the screenshot, he went back down the hall to his room. That was the last conversation that I had with my son. What happened between 6:15 and 7:45 (the time on the certificate), I will never know. But I want to know why? Who lied to him and told him that life wasn't worth it? I know what people will say, "It was Satan that lied to him." That's a nuanced answer when we don't know for sure. I genuinely believe that he did not mean to do what he did. He would not have done it if he could've seen the devastation that was left in the wake of his choice. I've had people ask if he was in counseling on medication or both. He was in counseling and on medication for depression and anxiety. He was a perfectionist in everything he did. He would agonize over things if he didn't get them right how he wanted to. He talked to me a couple of times about hurting himself and that he almost did it one time. Both times, we got him in with his counselor the next day. The second time we got him in, his counselor told us, with him sitting there, that if he threatened to hurt himself again, she would put him into a facility. At the time, I didn't know any better. But now, looking back, YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO A TEENAGER!! HELL, YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO AN ADULT!! If you say that to someone struggling to keep it together, they will never SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!!! Sawyer confided in me with things that sometimes scared the hell out of me, but I listened INTENTIONALLY and let him vent. I let him get out what he needed to get out. If that meant him cursing, then so be it. So be it if that was the only way to get his emotions across. After he was threatened with a facility, he never talked to me the way he did before. I wish I could go back and do things differently with his counselor, but I can do nothing about that in my situation. Parents, LISTEN TO YOUR KIDS INTENTIONALLY!!!! IF THEY'RE TALKING TO YOU, LISTEN TO THEM. We were doing all the right things on Sawyer's behalf with his depression, anxiety, perfectionism, and OCD tendencies. If I had only known to tell his counselor to shut up about the facility, maybe things would be different, and we would not be living in hell on earth on a day-to-day basis. That's all for now.
This contains a little graphic detail, so beware when reading. This is a very hard part of the story to tell, but I think it needs to be told because many parents (like us) think, "It'll never happen to me." We had the perfect family...married with a house, and both of us had good jobs with two amazingly sweet and courteous children...what bad could happen?
More about April 11, 2022...after everything happened, I didn't want to wash my hands or my mouth because I had vomit from Sawyer on them, and I could smell it, and that was all that I had left of him on me. It was the only thing of him that I had afterward. When I was doing CPR on Sawyer, he vomited numerous times, a few times into my mouth. I finger-swept his mouth to clear his airway and kept going. Every time I would do rescue breaths, I checked his chest, and it was rising and falling like it was supposed to. I just knew that he had aspirated and everything was going to be okay. A paramedic came in and did something with his eyes (I knew what he was doing but didn't want to believe it). The paramedic left and didn't come back. I remember yelling at him, "Where the f*** are you going?! Get back in here with an ambu-bag and help me!" He never came back. I just knew that everything was going to be okay, so I kept doing CPR. I don't know how long I worked on him, but it seemed like an eternity. It never dawned on me to check for a pulse because I just knew that all would be okay; I just needed to keep working, and he would just wake up. A deputy sheriff came in and spoke to me and yelled at him to get the F*** out if he wasn't going to help me because he wasn't taking me off my son. He receded out of the room. It was a little while longer when Richard Palmer came in, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me those words that I typed in a previous post. To this day, I am still waiting for my boy to walk through the door and yell, "Surprise!!! I was kidding!!! I've just been on a long trip!!! I don't want to believe what happened that night. Even though my mind knows it happened, my heart doesn't want to accept it. The attached photo is of a statue titled "Melancholy." This is what it feels like to lose a child. This is what the statue represents, according to the sculptor. They (psychologists and psychiatrists) say that when parents lose a child, it's as if part of their physical body has been amputated. I know this is a given, but amputated limbs don't grow back. There is a hole in my soul that will never be filled. That part of me will never grow back; I don't care what people say about what can fill it. Nothing will fill the hole I have in my heart, mind, soul, and body. I don't laugh like I used to. I don't find joy in things like I used to. People have said that I have to look for it and it's there. This is coming from people who've never lost a child. I know they mean well, but they don't know, and I pray they never know. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. That's all for now....until next time.
This doesn’t have graphic details as a previous post but it does have some disturbing details about that night.
More about April 11, 2022. Aleen had left that morning to go to her parents’ for a visit during spring break. After everything happened that night, I had to call her and tell her what had happened. Our neighbor had called and Aleen’s brother had to tell her initially. Then Aleen had to make the three hour drive back home. Thankfully, Aleen’s brothers, John Paul Beesley and Lewis Beesley drove her. We have some contacts in the Mississippi State Highway Patrol that alerted all troopers from Pike County to Jackson County to not pull them over. Richard Palmer met them at the Hwy 98 and Hwy 63 interchange and brought the rest of the way. I followed her progress from Pike County to the house via Life360. I would call her periodically and just tell her that I loved her. I didn’t know what else to say. She would ask me if that night was a bad dream and if it was real and I had to painfully tell her that it was real. I told her repeatedly that I was sorry for not doing more to save Sawyer and that I did everything I knew to do. When she got home, she jumped out of Richard’s truck and ran to the house. Thankfully, Bruce A. Lynd Jr. allowed Sawyer to stay at the house until she got home. Her first sight when she walked in was the gurney in the living room. I asked her the other night if she have flashbacks and she said that her flashbacks are walking in the front door and desperately wanting to look in his eyes and she did, which still haunts her. I tried to stop her but she wouldn’t be stopped. We went to our next door neighbor’s where people poured in to offer their prayers and support. I remember Aleen sitting in their recliner while (I have no clue the number of people) people came through their house. We can’t thank Sabrina Manning Smith’s family enough for opening their home for that.
That’s all for now.
I’ll post more soon when I muster the courage.
