Melissa McManis, LCSW, Inc

08/13/2024

https://melissamcmanis.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-inspired/

Discover what it means to be inspired. Explore erotic inspiration and its impact on creativity, relationships, and personal well-being.

06/24/2024

Happy Marketing Monday!

I am in process of filling this upcoming group! Contact me for more details!

06/24/2024

I am in process of filling this upcoming group! Contact me for more details!

04/10/2024

Just wanted to express my gratitude for Jennifer Kim and her husband for Ethera Collective which has helped me grow my practice in Irvine, CA and has been a wonderful place for training, networking, and consulting.

09/19/2023

In both my personal and professional experiences, I’ve often observed a prevalent negativity surrounding individuals with avoidant tendencies. It’s understandable at a superficial level, as some of their behaviors, like ghosting or stonewalling, can undoubtedly have a negative impact on others. These actions often trigger reactions from those with secure or anxious attachment styles. It’s important to recognize that avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment, originally conceptualized by attachment specialist John Bowlby during his studies on young children’s attachment to their mothers. Healthy attachment patterns are generally considered secure, and the good news is that attachment style is not set in stone. Additionally, avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum, with some individuals exhibiting these behaviors more prominently than others.

Avoidantly attached individuals often require significant amounts of alone time, tend to withdraw when asked about their feelings in-depth, and can emotionally shut down when they feel overwhelmed or triggered by their partner. Dr. Sue Johnson, in her extensive work on attachment theory and adult relationships, argues against therapists recommending immediate conflict resolution or problem-solving during relationship conflicts. She believes the first step should be acknowledging that a childhood attachment trigger is occurring.

In his book “Attached,” Amir Levine argues that avoidant attachment primarily impacts the dating world, with over half of individuals in the online dating scene exhibiting avoidant attachment styles. This prevalence is often why many struggle to find a committed partner within this dating sphere. Avoidant-attachers typically have shorter-term relationships and find themselves single more often than their secure and anxious counterparts. Their challenges with expressing their feelings and vulnerability can make them more prone to infidelity, often leading to their behavior being labeled as toxic by those in the secure and anxious attachment community and the broader mental health field.

However, there seems to be less empathy extended to avoidant-attachers. In my opinion, it’s crucial to consider what’s happening within these individuals when they exhibit avoidant attachment behavior. From a nervous system and trauma perspective, individuals engaging in these behaviors are often shutting down because their nervous systems are overwhelmed, and they feel emotionally unsafe. This heightened state may lead them to flee or freeze emotionally, as they may perceive others as demanding them to express feelings when they’re unsure how to do so in that moment.

Frequently, they just need space to allow their nervous systems to calm down so they can reconnect with themselves before attempting to reconnect with others. The freeze response, one of the oldest survival mechanisms in our fight-flight-freeze response system, often signals a preparation for death. Therefore, individuals with extreme avoidant tendencies may find it exceptionally challenging to trust and connect with others, perceiving many situations as emotionally dangerous.

When they pull away, it may not be an attempt to hurt others, but rather a strategy to manage their heightened state of emotional arousal. Viewing it through this lens, it becomes evident that they are the ones who need our empathy the most. By fostering understanding and empathy, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for individuals with avoidant attachment styles.

–Melissa McManis, LCSW

09/10/2023

As a therapist who is dedicated to helping women rediscover their erotic essence, I've often been approached with whispered confessions of lost desire, hushed tones revealing a fading connection with oneself. The emotional landscape of s*xual well-being is a profound territory, and today, I want to hold space as we journey through it, guided by the wisdom of Emily Nagoski's groundbreaking work, "Come As You Are."

Understanding The Dual Control Model

At the core of Nagoski's teachings lies the Dual Control Model. Think of it as the accelerator and brakes in a car. The accelerator is what arouses us, while the brakes signify what inhibits us. Every woman has her unique balance of accelerators and brakes. Your erotic journey is about understanding your accelerator-brake balance and fine-tuning it. Sometimes, our brakes are more sensitive due to past traumas, societal judgments, or internal fears. Recognizing and releasing these brakes can create profound shifts.

The Power of Emotional Context

One of the most illuminating aspects of Nagoski's work is understanding the importance of emotional context. Our s*xuality isn't a fixed drive but a garden of ever-evolving emotions. We don't need to be 'fixed'; we need to be understood. Just like how one song can make you cry in one moment and dance in another, our s*xual responses can vary depending on our emotional context. Embrace this fluidity. Celebrate it.

Critiquing The "Normal"

One of the most significant sources of pain for many women is the illusion of "normal." Society, movies, and even some literature have given us a skewed vision of what female s*xuality should look like. Nagoski invites us to understand that there's a broad spectrum of 'normal'. Your normal is unique, valid, and beautiful.

Ways to Embrace Your Erotic Self

Self-Compassion: Before diving into techniques and therapies, the most potent medicine is self-love. Breathe in acceptance, breathe out judgment.

Mindful Eroticism: Set time aside for yourself. Dive into erotic literature, self-touch, or even simple meditation focused on your desires and body.

Seeking Guidance: Whether it's a therapist like me, a supportive group, or literature like Nagoski's, seeking external support can offer new perspectives.

Tuning Into Your Body: Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and mindfulness practices can help you stay connected to your physical self. Your body holds wisdom; listen to it.

Open Conversations: Talk to your partner. Share your fears, desires, and boundaries. An understanding partner can be a catalyst in your erotic journey.

In conclusion, embracing your erotic self is a journey of love, acceptance, and discovery. Inspired by Emily Nagoski's work and my experiences, I genuinely believe that every woman can find her unique erotic rhythm, a dance of passion, and peace.

08/28/2023

Strengthen Your Sense of Safety in Relationships with these 5 Tips

05/05/2023

https://www.facebook.com/106189329100934/videos/893557831711419/?idorvanity=680652230497278

04/28/2023

Become S*xual After Trauma

S*xual trauma can have a profound impact on a person's s*xual identity and ability to engage in s*xual intimacy. Survivors of s*xual trauma may feel disconnected from their bodies, experience physical and emotional pain during s*xual activity, or struggle with feelings of shame or guilt. However, it is possible to reclaim one's s*xuality after trauma and engage in healthy, fulfilling s*xual relationships.

The first step in allowing oneself to be a s*xual being after trauma is to recognize that it is normal to experience challenges with s*xual intimacy following a traumatic event. Trauma can disrupt one's sense of safety, trust, and connection with others, which can make it difficult to engage in intimate relationships. It is important to seek support from a qualified therapist who can help you process the trauma and work through any emotional or psychological barriers to s*xual intimacy.

It is also important to take the time to explore one's own desires and boundaries when it comes to s*xual intimacy. This may involve setting boundaries with partners, communicating openly about one's needs and desires, and exploring new forms of s*xual expression that feel safe and comfortable. It can be helpful to start with self-exploration, such as through ma********on, to reconnect with one's own body and desires.

Finally, it is important to practice self-care and compassion when working through s*xual trauma. This may involve engaging in activities that promote relaxation and reduce stress, such as yoga or meditation. It may also involve seeking out supportive relationships and community resources to aid in the healing process.

In conclusion, allowing oneself to be a s*xual being after trauma is a process that requires patience, compassion, and support. With the right resources and tools, it is possible to reclaim one's s*xuality and engage in healthy, fulfilling s*xual relationships. Remember to take things at your own pace and prioritize your own needs and boundaries.

Sources:

•National S*xual Violence Resource Center. (2021). S*xual Assault Statistics. https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics

•Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). S*xual Violence: Consequences. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/s*xualviolence/consequences.html

•Psychological Association. (2019). Understanding S*xual Trauma. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/s*xual-trauma

04/09/2023

8 tips to a better erotic life

Dear readers,
I am Melissa McManis, a s*x therapist and erotic recovery specialist. I want to share with you a blog post that I believe can help you reimagine your relationships and thrive in the modern world.
Title: Reimagining Our Relationships: How to Thrive in the Modern World
In our modern world, relationships are changing. The traditional norms of long-term commitments are no longer the only way. We have more freedom and choices in our relationships than ever before, but this newfound freedom comes with its own set of challenges.
We must navigate the complex dynamics of modern relationships and learn to communicate in ways that are healthy and authentic. We must confront our own fears and insecurities, and work to overcome them.
Here are some tips to help you reimagine your relationships and thrive in the modern world:
1. Embrace the Unknown
In the past, relationships were often seen as a path to stability and security. Today, we must embrace the unknown and be open to change. We must accept that our relationships may evolve and change over time, and be willing to adapt to these changes.
2. Communicate with Honesty and Vulnerability
Healthy communication is key to any successful relationship. In order to thrive in the modern world, we must learn to communicate with honesty and vulnerability. We need to express our needs and desires, while also being open to hearing those of our partner.
3. Explore Your Inner World
To be truly fulfilled in our relationships, we must first explore our own inner world. This means confronting our own fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs, and working to overcome them. When we are able to do this, we are better able to show up authentically in our relationships.
4. Embrace the Journey
Finally, we must learn to embrace the journey of our relationships, rather than simply focusing on the destination. We need to be present in each moment, and cherish the experiences we share with our partner.
In conclusion, the modern world offers us both freedom and challenge when it comes to our relationships. By embracing the unknown, communicating with honesty and vulnerability, exploring our inner world, and embracing the journey, we can create relationships that allow us to thrive.
With love and respect,
Melissa McManis S*x Therapist and Erotic Recovery Specialist

04/07/2023

Consider joining or referring to my new facebook group, Women's Erotic Recovery and Support Forum.