10/17/2024
"FINDING YOUR WAY BACK TO LOVE AND INTIMACY AS A COUPLE." by Joan McCullough Crissman 10.17.24
Growth and knowledge is my wish for you two with a blessing from God for a healthy marriage. Here is the roadmap to follow if you have lost your way!
To have a loving relationship takes work. To expect hot and heavy romance to evolve from nothing is a dream...magical thinking. It is like expecting to win the lottery Mega Millions even though you haven't bought a lottery ticket in years. (I am not suggesting you gamble lol) A healthy marriage takes work!!
If you do nothing, you will get the same result over and over. I promise!! Maybe it is time to try something new!
What's in it for me??? Our society is caught up in the "me" or "I" thinking. There cannot be "Iness" to have a healthy marriage. "Us ness"... needs to be present. It has to happen. "Iness" is....I don't want....or I want... That doesnt work in a marriage. "USness"....What is best for us....what do we wish to see happen or what are our preferences or goals. How are WE going to get there.
I suggest starting small. Clean out the "Iness" thinking the best you can. It is killing your marriage.
Example: This is true....A sports car - "I" want one. Saturn Sky - Burgandy, 2009/10 last made. It is a sexy little sports car with wire wheels, sporty seats and looks like a bat mobile from the rear -"Iness" Did I say, "I" want one!!
"Usness" looks at the same choice in cars....it discusses the practicality of the fact we are both now older and "robust" and will not fit in the cute little racing seats very well,....well, it is the truth... He is 6'3", he needs more leg room, I am short and seats will hit my knees wrong. I would probably not be able to walk after a country drive. We are older and when we travel, we need a trunk for things like luggage, not a cosmetic bag and lingerie. We have grandkids who go with us. We would have to fold them in half to fit in the back seat. So..."Usness" says, Joan, what were you thinking. Your car idea is ridiculous. Not a good move for the "Usness."
Women are like crockpots, men microwaves. Foreplay for a woman starts earlier in the day or week away from the bedroom like a spouse mowing the lawn, cleaning up without being asked, sitting and watching a movie together and talking about it. Taking a walk. Holding hands. A shoulder massage when your partner is tired. Making dinner without being asked. Doing laundry....etc. Spending time with your kids and giving them loving attention - a woman and mom just eats this up! Supportive, kind words and praise for the little things that are noticed and appreciated. Moms often feel like all they do is be the cook, cleaner and bottle washer with no one ever noticing, appreciating and the work never stops. TELL HER, NOT YOUR FRIENDS. She needs to hear your compliments first. A small give is a nice surprise now and then. Some women love flowers. Men enjoy women joining them for their interests and sporting activities. Helping with projects.
Go Play!!! Focused time as a couple while kids are cared for by others is very important for a couple. Adult time is a necessary part of the relationship. Old McDonald needs to eventually be given a break. Many couples make the mistake of putting their budget into "Family Time" at the cost of "Couple Time." I warn couples....if you do not have the focus on healthy couple time, it is hard to have the healthy family.
Sitting and watching the sunset and holding each other. A beach drive or drive to see the leaves to enjoy Gods gift to you.....maybe this isn't you today, but it can be!! Just start small. Play a board game and have a picnic in the livingroom. Send the kids to the neighbors if your budget is low. Be kind. One person's kindness and words often creates a willingness in the partner to reflect back the same kind treatment. A willingness to be vulnerable again. Did I say ...Kindness.....Lower your voice! Mirroring often occurs when someone lowers their voice the other person naturally does the same. It doesn't have to be a fight, talking is much better.
In our marriage, we have decided since we work crazy hours, we make time to give each other undivided attention and play and rest for a solid week to stay connected. It takes work, planning and is a must to survive our lifestyle.
Worshiping together...this is a great place to start to renew intimacy and grow as a couple. Join a couples bible study. The other couples will share their trials and how they solve things. Their answers may serve to help you also solve your own problems. What works, what doesn't. All couples will experience difficulty at life junctures and situations.......again, if you do nothing, you get nothing. It would be good for you both to hear healthy relating and what it looks like from others so you can compare and adjust your own talk and doing for each other in new ways you maybe never thought about. Learning God's perspective on marriage.... Reading scripture together in the quiet moments is also another way to develop intimacy. Afterwards discuss questions and viewpoints together. Prayerful support from other study members or fellow church members is also such a loving wonderful thing.
Reconnect - Intimacy disconnection creates discomfort and awkwardness. It takes time to build this back up. It is like walking in the desert and expecting an oasis to just pop up. It just doesn't happen normally. It is like a cruise ship....changes take time...2 degrees turn, 2 degrees turn for another 20 miles before the ship actually changes course. Some people hide behind their kids for years to keep busy and avoid their partners...I see this often....eventually the kids leave home and the couple is left to decide what next with the starkness of the facts...we disconnected long ago. What are we going to do about it??? It is a bitter reality to swallow. It can get better if you both want it.
I recommend marriage counseling to start developing tools to work on your marital disconnection, I imagine things will warm up again in time, but not overnight. It is a natural law of action causes eventual reaction. God has been waiting for this!! You both deserve a healthy relational marriage where each gets your needs met in healthy ways.
I encourage talking more, playing, planning more, working on things together more. You will fall back, which is also natural as daily life happens to all of us in between our working on things....Again, another example of growth is the ocean, waves come in further sometimes - more progress, go further out sometimes - less progress or wondering if things will ever get better...then the next day, waves come in again - progress. Don't give up. Feelings are temporary. Thank goodness!!
I encourage both of you to discover how each of you has grown and celebrate that and note and share where you both need help. Note each others strengths and share the list with your partner. This is a loving positive exercise to show your partner you see the positive in them.
Listening and hearing are two different things. Try to listen to hear each other and understand the other's point of view. Put yourself in their shoes and think about their experience. How it may feel to be them. It often changes your perspective on their experience and develops compassion.
Put feelings into scenic story examples to help the other understand, as I have done in Metaphors for this writing. Men get the message much better!!
I offer couples counseling in my practice. New Horizons Counseling, LLC. Couples work is my passion. I always say, why have Ugh when you can have Aaaahhhh! So much better for you as a couple. Couples counseling can give couples tools needed to better their marriage into a phenomenal one!
Healing is possible. You might not believe it today, but I see it everyday!! Best wishes on your journey!
Joan
