01/21/2018
Grief when a love one overdoses.
Several months ago I was asked to speak at a support group, Families For HOPE. This group meets monthly as a way to share information regarding op**te addiction and to support friends and families who have lost someone due to addiction to this powerful drug. The group asked me to speak about grief and loss. This topic was fresh with me as I had just lost my dear sister-in-law several weeks prior due to a short battle with cancer. According to the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model, the five stages of grief, I was alternating between denial and anger. Since that time I've moved into the depression stage, bordering on acceptance, the final stage. But in my preparation for my talk it became evident that the grief following an overdose death is different.
As more and more people are touched by addiction, more and more families are left with the grief of an overdose death. This grief is different. It is veiled in guilt and shame and stigma and discomfort. Much like su***de grief, there is a complexity in overdoes deaths in that people feel that the death was somehow avoidable. There aren't clear stages as defined by Kubler-Ross. Many of the feelings below, including guilt, shame, blame, fear, and isolation all in some way correlate back to this.
Guilt: Friends and family may feel guilt that they could of or should have done more.
Guilt that a family member suffered from addiction so they may believe it's their fault.
Guilt if the death brings a sense of relief after years of addiction impacting family and friends.
Obsession over action done/not done to support the person who died.
Shame: Shame is different than guilt. Shame is something we feel based on our perception that others think we could of or should have done something differently. In the case of an overdose death, shame can manifest in various ways.
Shame that a family member suffered from addiction.
Shame for enabling the person who died.
Shame for NOT doing enough to help the person.
Shame for the person who died (feeling that others blame that person for their addiction and are less worthy of mourning).
Blame: Blame toward those who used drugs with the person who died.
Self-blame for the person developing an addiction.
Self-blame for the person's death
Blame toward the person who died
Stigma and isolation:
We know that addiction touches thousands of families each year yet the family and friends often don't talk about it due to stigma, guilt and shame. This can result in:
Difficulty accepting the circumstances of the death (denial about drug involvement).
Reluctant to openly discuss the cause of death.
Hesitant to seek support from family, friends or support group.
Fear and Anxiety: Addiction is a devastating disease that is difficult to imagine if you have not experienced it in your family, friends or community.
Fear: Fear that other family members will start abusing substances.
Fear that others who are already using substances will also overdose.
Fear that others in recovery will relapse.
All of these anxieties can lead to mistrust between surviving family members. This anxiety can lead survivors to control to attempt to control those around them to try and protect them from addiction and overdose. As a therapist I have seen these anxieties take over a persons life and become all consuming.
If you see yourself in this difficult post please reach out to a friend, support group or therapist as a way to save yourself and live the life you deserve. Peace, Rosie.
