05/30/2024
THE SEESAW
Jennifer R. Lehman, LCSW
I was recently speaking with a young couple about the qualities that I have observed in long term, healthy marriages. This couple was sharing what they had observed among couples they knew, within their age range, as well as the generation above them. They each shared that it seemed so many individuals were dissatisfied and frustrated within their relationships. This observation obviously caused some anxiety within them. Would this happy couple also succumb to dissatisfaction and frustration? Was there any way to prevent this?
There is one indicator that I have observed which goes far beyond “open communication” or “asking for what you need”. While one can pull up any number of social media shorts for insights and advice on successful partnerships, they often omit one fundamental concept: the Seesaw.
The Seesaw represents the energy exchange seen in every healthy human relationship. It is the give and take of emotional, and physical support seen in an authentically loving relationship. The Seesaw concept generally presents as:
1. There will be imbalance at times.
2. When one person is doing well, the other person may be struggling.
3. In the above circumstance, it is the job of the person at the top to support the person at the bottom.
4. These roles will eventually reverse. Knowing this is vital. Each person gets time up AND down.
5. If one person is always up and the other always down, this will create frustration and resentment.
6. If both people are struggling, the Seesaw may stop for a while until one person can gain momentum again.
7. This process of the Seesaw will occur repeatedly, building a trust and safety within the relationship.
This dynamic takes place when individuals stop seeing a partner as someone to “fix things” or “save” one from life’s challenges. Rather, a partner is someone who supports, challenges, and enhances a person’s life.
A caveat: if an individual is generally an unhappy person who views responsibility for his/her own happiness as the role of others, the See saw will always remain unbalanced. This is because the individual will not recognize the importance of his/her own effort in making the partnership a give and take (i.e. a seesaw). It therefore follows that the videos you have seen, of people voicing demands of who they deserve as a partner, are an absolutely a waste of time. It is far more effective to BE the qualities you value. If you want a trustworthy, authentic person, work on being one.
Once you do meet that person who aligns with those desired qualities, understand this: the Seesaw will still be unbalanced at times. That’s right. Even when everything lines up, there will be times where you feel things are desperately unfair. In newer marriages, this can feel very frustrating. How is this fair??
For people who have been married longer and have experienced both sides of see saw, they know one thing: life tends to even things out.
A final word: if you want to be married and stay married, plan on a lifetime of personal growth. There is no greater mirror to your gifts, flaws, and traits… than a spouse.
Embrace the Seesaw.
