04/15/2026
April 15
For the last three years, this date held much pain.
(And a warning--this post is long! ADHD Girl makes a short story long! 😊🤣 But I've heard many of you share your stories to give me strength, so I'll share mine. I am amazed and in awe of so many of you!!! You got me through some rough times!!!)
BUT today, I choose to take back this date to make it something wonderful moving forward!!! 🩷
Those of you who've been with me for the long haul will rember that April 15, 2023 was the day I turned in the key to my retail space--my beautiful thriving bakery--closed at the height of my business! Many of you have only recently found us and may not know that we've been around for almost 10 years AND had a bakery!)
I had signed a three year lease and had just begun my third year and I was not only ready to sign a lease for more years, but debated taking the newly empty space next next door and adding seating!
I had made back the cost of our build out and were finally at the point of making a profit. We had lines out the door and frequently sold out.
But the landlord had become increasingly unpleasant. Small digs became frequent, there were increases in portion of the property bills, poor care taken of structural issues, followed by refusing to include my business in the larger property advertising. Denial of roadside signage (as he added huge signs and a giant beer can and beer tap to the roadside view for other businesses on the property). Didn't include us in the site wide events. He finally came to me in late January and said "I don't want you here. Your business is a waste of my space. I could have a real restaurant here that would be more in line with the property's vision" (the new beer tasting room had become the "anchor tenant" and my pink and flowery gluten free bakery apparently wasn't what he wanted).
I could have fought to stay through the end of my lease. And the lawyer I spoke to said I'd likely win. But the negative energy had been growing for months. I opted not to stay where I wasn't wanted. I decided this would be my chance to upgrade into full restaurant space! I began looking for new space, but unfortunately, post Covid dark days, tons of new restaurants popped up and there was no appropriate space to be found I'd been sick (Lyme, and also later diagnosed with toxic mold in my system). So I decided to wait for a perfect space (and allow for some time to heal).
So I moved everything from the bakery--my counters, my equipment, my supplies--- to my home in Manlius with the intent of re-opening--bigger and better!
On April 15, I cried as I took down the last of my signage, left the key on the counter, and locked the door one last time.
I went home to crawl into bed. I was devastated emotionally and just plain exhausted from moving. I'd tried to hide being sick during all of this (I'd later find out Id had both Lyme and toxic mold). But in that moment, I thought I might need to lay down and sleep for a week!!!!
But I received a call that Natur-tyme (a favorite store that prior to my bakery, had wholesaled my items) was closing. It was more than my heart could bear on that particular day. I was heartbroken for both of our businesses. Too much sadness in one day.
But there was more to come that day.
Four hours later, I found myself sitting on a bench next to my husband as he told me he wanted a divorce.
He chose that day --April 15 (the day I closed my dream bakery) to tell me he wanted to end a 28 year marriage.
I found myself wondering what I'd done to deserve such bad karma. Everything devolving in one day.
And so I went home and told my kids. One of the hardest things I've ever done. I could never have imagined the way they'd look at me. I wasn't completely shocked when he'd asked for the divorce. Neither of us had been truly "happy" for a long time (if ever). But the shock and surprise, anger and sadness in my kids eyes? Broke my heart. I wish I could go back and do many things differently in that moment.
April 15 was a horrible and cruel and demeaning day.
The last three years have a blur of shedding my old life and trying to find my new one. Clearing out and selling our family home of 20 years, moving into the house I had grown up in. It had been mostly empty for three years. My Father passed away-- in the kitchen, my Mother (who had dementia at the time) came to live with us. For four years, I avoided even driving by that house. The ghosts (figurative, not literal) were just unbearably painful. So much sadness there. It hurt to think about it.
But that was to be my new home.
I didn't really understand when people say "It takes time to heal". That it takes--needs-- years to parse out and process grief. That just because you moved on, your body doesn't necessarily feel safe. Or peaceful. Or happy. Or anything at all much of the time. I berated myself for not being more evolved, more enlightened, happier. It took some time to understand how trauma embeds itself in the very cells of our body. Not just thoughts. Changes to our DNA.
For the next two years, April 15 hit me like a sucker punch. A stark reminder of everything I lost. And a deep inner questioning of my value and self worth.
Despite the bank statements that would show anyone that my business had been booming, I had closed and never reopened. So it felt like failure. Looked like failure to the public.
The divorce and subsequent need to empty our house of 20 years (PLUS 1600 square feet of bakery) took all my time for almost a year. About a year earlier, I was diagnosed with both Lyme and toxic mold (many of you will remember how badly I struggled with my health during the last year I owned the bakery, but in all honesty, I'd been sick for years before that). I struggledwith my lack of ability to do just aboutanything. I felt useless. Felt like i failed in my marriage . What was wrong with me?
And I learned that the business of divorce is an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was naive. I thought I'd have an amicable, easy divorce.
I learned my lesson.
But year three? Bring it!!!
I'm ready to move on!
My brain and my body have finally done some processing and some healing. More to go, but I'd like to believe the worst is over
I let go of the past. Threw away that which tied me to the sad years and in doing so, found freedom.
I let go of believing that I was unworthy because someone else didn't like me. I learned to stop looking for my sense of worth through anyone else's eyes. Never again!!!!
I learned to like me. To love this hot mess of a gal for all her gifts and her best qualities.
And that's enough! I'M ENOUGH! 😊🩷
I'm finally peaceful. Finding joy. Learning about friendship and love (because that little 26 year old girl knew nothing before saying yes to an engagement ring! Who thought i was grown up enough to make any life decisions at that age???).
I love the new space my business holds in my life (more about that next week!!! Exciting news!). I get to do what I love! I miss having retail space bitterly, but I love the flexibility my job allows when I want to spend time with friends or travel. Life needs balance. And the food service industry doesn't allow for much else!
And the house I used to dread entering has now become a warm home and the place I feel happy. My kids have helped make living here magical. I know they'll likely move on soon, but for today, I'm loving every single minute of my time with them. I now truly understand the meaning of "bliss".🤩🤩🤩🤩
My parents would be so happy to know we've found joy in this house. I'm wildly grateful every day that I had a soft place to land. It's been like one last hug they left us. It was incredibly lonely stepping into this new phase of life all by myself, but they left their mark (and I'm pretty sure they've sent signs that they carried me through all this!) 😊🫶
I'm still fighting Lyme and a different round of toxic mold (the contractors at my new home cut the main water line and, well, water has a mind of it's own...) and it will take years to slowly undo the damage mold does to the entire body and all it's systems. But I'm healing.
And I'm better now than I've been in years. And I'm on track to find "healthy"!!!!!
I've been SO lucky to have held on to the wonderful friendships and customer connections from the bakery years (yes, Barb! You top the list! From customer to staff to wonderful friend! 🫶🩷)! I am blessed indeed to know each of you!
So instead of dreading this day and crying, I chose a different path. JOY.
I just checked in to my flight to London. A bunch of crazy wonderful coincidences fell into place to make this day the beginning of a magical trip for Finn (my daughter--the one whose cheerful face is at our table on Saturdays) and I. Her favorite musical. My favorite musician. BESHERT ("meant to be"). All in one sweet weekend!!
So I reclaim this date and I go into this next year with joy!
And if any of you are struggling and wondering if it gets better (like I was for the last three years)?
It gets SO MUCH BETTER! 🫶🩷😊