11/11/2024
I made a ________.
Call it what you may, in the end I made a choice. Good or bad, right or wrong, I made a difficult decision after countless prayers, deliberations, and counsel. Four years ago, I believed a lie. Purposeful or not is beside the point, the result stole more than I was willing to continue to give.
I knew. I knew in the first 6 months something was off, the problem however with being an enneagram 6 is my loyalty and overthinking. I rationalized that surely the problem was that I hadn’t given it enough time. Of course I was uncomfortable, because I don’t like change! I must have been the problem.
Only I wasn’t.
I cannot and will not air all the things as to quote Beyoncé “my mama taught me better than that” but I had to stand up for myself; I had to leave.
Fear reared its ugly head. To go back to how it was before meant to admit a mistake or that I had failed. I had made that change for a reason, surely, I had to learn and grow and be open. That first Christmas I received an unsuspecting gift, framed inspiration “onward & upward”. That would be my banner. There would in fact be change.
2024 brought its own lessons and confirmations. I grew weary over the number of confirmations received; it became painful and exhaustive; I was about to reach a metaphorical breaking point. Though I had several highs and lots of positive births/client experiences I also experienced a ridiculous number of challenges, postpartum transports, and difficult births.
In my head I assembled a cabinet of 12 strong women in my life and laughed to myself about the powerhouse that I had created and longed to meet with and talk it all out. The idea of course was dismissed because I balked, we are all too busy for me, that’s just silly. I rationalized that while I may have gotten myself into a predicament, I am capable of getting myself out of one. I had been doubting my own decision making because after all I did put myself exactly where I was. Then I asked myself how I can give seemingly great advice to others but make such poor decisions for myself and that’s when I realized exactly what I should do. Follow my own advice.
That’s where I am today, wrapping up my first semester of nursing school with a projected graduation date of December 2025.
What does this mean for my clients? For those with whom I am a great fit, I am hoping they will choose to continue to walk out their journey with me. For those who don’t see me as their cup of tea, it’s okay. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest. I see my value and I choose to surround myself with those who do as well.
I wish you all the best.