01/10/2026
Understanding this truth is often how women begin to discern the difference between a disappointing marriage and a destructive one.
The truth is—my marriage was destructive.
It was destroying my soul.
It was eroding my sanctification.
It was damaging my relationship with God, not drawing me nearer to Him.
I lived on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop.
The next emotional explosion.
The next moment I would be told I wasn’t enough.
The next time Scripture would be read—not to heal—but to shame.
Scripture says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear” (2 Timothy 1:7), yet fear was the atmosphere I lived in.
I was so afraid that I didn’t even want my husband to see me pray.
Prayer felt dangerous.
Because somehow my prayers were twisted into confessions—proof that I was wrong, defective, sinful.
I carried crushing guilt:
For not cuddling enough;
For being distant;
For being cold
For not delighting in my husband;
For being guarded;
For not being “a good enough wife.”
From the outside, I looked like I was one who hardened my heart, while my husband wanted me to "love him better as a godly wife."
I was told to love more.
Love harder.
Not to fear but trust God.
Try again.
But Scripture is clear: “There is no fear in love” (1 John 4:18).
How can you love freely when you are not safe?
How can intimacy grow where terror lives?
How can your heart soften when your body is bracing for harm?
I wasn’t cold—I was protecting myself.
I wasn’t withholding—I was surviving.
I wasn’t unloving—I was afraid.
And here is the truth abuse tries to hide:
When a marriage drives you toward despair, or self-erasure—that is not sanctification. That is not conviction. That is not the fruit of the Spirit.
Jesus said He came that we might have life—and have it abundantly (John 10:10).
Anything that steadily steals your sense of safety, your voice, your joy, and your connection to God is not holy suffering—it is destruction.
If this resonates with you, hear this clearly:
God is not asking you to love harder in a place where your soul is being crushed.
He is a refuge, not an accomplice to harm.
And He sees the truth—even when others don’t.
Written by Lauren
If you are confused about your relationship, please reach out to request an advocate to talk with you: calledtopeace.org
