07/23/2023
There's a lot of talk about boundaries lately. Marla would like to share her version.
Deckster is a cuddly monster and gives out love-boops regularly. Marla is a bit choosier about who boops her face. Her boundary (value-based limit of what she will do or endure) is "I am in charge of my face space." When Deckster behaves in a way that bumps up against Marla's boundary, she responds with a low growl and whine (request for behavior change to help her honor her boundary). Deckster, who believes his love belongs everywhere, chooses not to hear this and moves in closer for a full boop. Marla is then faced with her boundary dilemma. She is feeling anxious about her space being disrespected and angry that she is not being heard. While Deckster's behavior provoked these feelings, Marla is ultimately responsible for her experience. She is at her limit of what she will endure and wants to honor herself. She shows her teeth to communicate her boundary more clearly, "I do not like this and will snap my teeth to help you leave." Deckster boops, teeth snap, and Deckster turns to leave.
It would be easy to say we should be training Marla to not snap, because "Deckster just loves you, Marla! He means well!" But her feelings about who is in her face space matter as much as Deckster's desire to show his love.
We are often taught to keep peace across a relationship by dishonoring ourselves and disrespecting our own boundaries. We go beyond our limit of endurance or do things that conflict with our values. We believe that saying no, speaking up, or leaving a relationship will make someone else feel bad. This displacement of responsibility for emotions and experience is what makes boundaries in relationships difficult.
When we're in a relationship we want to behave in ways that respect each other's values and authenticity. We are allowed to negotiate which behaviors work or don't work for others. When things don't line up, we have choices about keeping the relationship.
Over time Deckster has learned Marla's boundary and gives less face boops. Marla is willing to accept leg and chest boops instead. Well, most of the time... ❤️
