Robert Rutherford, Certified Funeral Celebrant & Life Tribute Professional

12/07/2023

A great post about holidays and the grief journey from a friend and colleague Caleb Wilde.

You feel alone in your grief. And you aren’t alone in that feeling.

This is the paradox of grief.

The love you shared with someone who died, the relationship you had, and the memories you made are something you experienced that isn’t replicated in any other relationship you had.

And yet, grief is like a great river. A great river that has cut through the same path for millennia, so much so that it has a name everyone knows. It’s the river Grief, known by name by all of humanity for as long as there was love. Even so, the water that makes up that river is never the same as the minute before.

Always the same and never the same.

There is the alone part of grief. There’s part of grief that will always be yours to carry and yours alone.

But the second part of the paradox is so important to the first part. There’s a part of grief that will always need to be carried together. It’s ours to be carried and ours alone.

It’s easy to do one without the other. But, like the river, they are one and the same. Grief is both. That growth takes place in the paradox of alone and together.

You will feel alone in grief. Beautifully and tragically alone.

And you will feel connected in grief. Beautifully and tragically connected.

As someone who has professionally done the together part, serving families and communities through funerals, the together part seems to be the more difficult part in modern society.

And now, during the holiday season, now is a time for connection. The idea that holidays are supposed to be happy times is a myth created, I think, by consumerism. By commercials depicting perfect families, with perfect get-togethers and and perfect gifts.

Holiday means holy day. And while the connotation was originally religious in nature, “holy” is about sacred connection. It’s a connection with those we love. It can be a connection in happiness. It can be a connection in gifts and food. And it MUST also be connection in grief because grief is sacred.

Make this season holy and share your grief. It’s as simple as saying, “I miss ____.”

Holy grief is yours and it is ours.

07/04/2023

Grief on the 4th of July.

I’ve always loved the U.S. holiday called Independence Day, but for twenty years I’ve struggled to enjoy the Fourth of July, the day we celebrate it. Contradictory? Perhaps, but holiday…

11/21/2022

It's so important to be able to freely talk about our loved ones that have passed. The best gift you can give to someone grieving is to fully listen.

11/13/2022

It's okay to talk about those we've lost. Sharing the stories and the memories may bring tears but I'm a firm believer those tears bring healing.

09/10/2022

"Grief is the price we pay for love" Queen Elizabeth II

05/07/2022

I wanted to share with you a message of hope and encouragement surrounding grief. I shared this reading at the graveside service I officiated today for a 44 year old who left behind a heartbroken mother and grandmother just days before mother's day.

"It's okay to be sad. You don't owe anyone a performance of being okay when you feel like you're falling apart. It isn't your job to smile or hide your truth to make other people feel more comfortable. If it gets awkward, let it be awkward. If people try to silence your pain by telling you to get over it and cheer up because you're no longer fun or you're ruining the mood, you don't have to push away your sadness. You have to honor your feelings and trust that you don't need anyone's permission or approval to feel what you feel. You don't ever have to sacrifice your self care for the sake of people who only want you around when it's easy and comfortable. Their discomfort isn't about you - it's about them and their own limitations, and no matter what they think or say, you deserve to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You're allowed to show your feelings honestly. You're allowed to talk about your pain and reach out for support. You're allowed to scream and wail and cry. You're allowed to be sad"

Thinking of those mothers suffering from the loss of a child....the children grieving the loss of a mother....and mothers grieving the loss of those they never got to hold.

------Robert

04/08/2022

There is still time to join us at Powell Church this Saturday for our "Remembering" grief recovery event. Please call or text us today to let us know you will be coming. 865-290-0029 or email rrutherford@mynattfh.com

12/24/2021

From Living Through Grief by Margaret R Rutherford Ph.D.

Getting through the holidays when grief is still strong is very tough

The cheeriness of the holiday season can be especially painful for someone who is grieving.Everyone's experience of grief is unique, which means the ways they find relief will also differ.For those who have lost a loved one, the recurrence of sadness is not a step backward; it is the nature of grief.
Grief comes in waves..

It's hard to describe.

It's bad enough when someone dies, especially if they are young. But if their death is caused by something as random as a drunk driver, a freak accident, or a pandemic, it can feel unbearable.

When that death then occurs during the holiday season, all the jingling bells and "fa-la-la-la-las" are a crude backdrop for your pain. The stark emptiness of loss throbs through your veins. You can barely breathe. "How am I going to get through everyone talking about blessings and presents?" "I just want to shut my eyes and have it be January." Whatever scab that may have begun to form over the wound is ripped off. Memories of past holidays come flooding back. Realizations about relationships never to be healed or goodbyes not expressed can make that ache even more difficult.

Gut-wrenching sobs become the lonely connection with the one who will not be there for this holiday.

Or maybe for you, it's too painful to feel anything.

I've written about my own parents' deaths at Christmas in 2007: December 17, my mom; December 24, my dad. Going through the motions seemed paramount. After all, I had a 13-year-old who was excited about Christmas. My husband's parents and other friends were counting on me for Christmas dinner. All the food was bought, even some prepared.

I don't remember much except trying to give myself permission to be what I needed to be.

Here are five hard-earned pieces of advice, either learned through personal experience or from watching others through the years.

Especially if the death has been recent, allow others to help you as much as you can. You could still be in shock. It's the time for receiving from those who love you.

Know that your grief will be unique to you. Don't feel that you must grieve the same way others do. Everyone's process will be different. Do the things that take care of you. That might be distraction. It might be diving into tasks. It might be journaling about your pain. Whatever helps.

Understand that there are many facets of grief. and death: anger, denial, despondency, fear, guilt. All of these feelings are normal. The most important thing is not to become stuck in any one of them, because when you get stuck, anger can turn into bitterness, sadness can turn into reclusiveness, guilt can turn into shame, and those emotions can be extremely hard to heal after a pattern becomes entrenched.
Grief comes in waves. Just when you think the tide is going out and you've survived another day, a rogue wave will hit you. You aren't going backward. That's the nature of grief. It rises and it falls, fades, and then pummels you with its force.

Realize that most others are afraid their own lives might get out of control. So they'll back away after a short while. You'll find out who your true friends are. They'll be there, every day. And you'll never forget.

If you find that you are trapped in anger or deep sadness, please reach out. To a therapist. To a pastor. To a friend. You may want to die along with them at first, but that feeling can change. And you can find reasons for living, even though one will always be gone.

About the Author

Margaret Rutherford, Ph.D., is the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression.

12/01/2021

From Grief speaks:

Holiday host etiquette: If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway.

Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays. Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.

Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions.

You can do this by privately acknowledging their grief when you make the invitation:

“I know this season is extra hard and you’re heart is hurting. You and your grief are welcome in our home. Come as you are, we’d be honored to have you with us.”

It’s also incredibly loving to honor the reality that it’s often hard for grieving folks to know what they will want, need, be up for, or able to tolerate at the holidays.

Giving them an invite without the need for commitment and permission to change their mind is extra loving:

“You don’t have to decide right now. If it feels good to be with us, we will have plenty of food and love for you-just show up! I’ll check in again the day before to see if you’re feeling up to coming over and if there’s anything you’d like me to know about how we can support you.”

Your grieving friends and fam need attentive care and responsiveness at the holidays, not plans to keep them busy, distracted, and happy.

If they’re laughing, laugh with them.

If they’re weeping, ask if they’d like your company or your help finding a quiet place to snuggle up alone for awhile.

If they’re laughing while weeping, and this is more common than you’d think, stay with them - this is a precious moment of the human experience that is truly sacred.

We don’t need to protect ourselves or each other from grief at the holidays. In fact, the more we embrace grief as an honored holiday guest, the more healthy, happy, and whole our holidays will be.

Author unknown

11/13/2021

11/11/2021

One final reminder about our holiday grief event.

There is still time to join our event this Saturday. Call 865.922.9195, Text 865.290.0049, or email rrutherford@mynattfh.com to let us know if you can join. Registration will close tomorrow (Friday) at noon.

11/03/2021

The holidays can be especially tough while walking through your grief journey. We are partnering with Powell Church and Walking with Joy to offer Walking through the Holidays with Joy. This free one day event will be held Sat, Nov 13th. Breakfast will start at 9:30am with the event following. Call 865.922.9195 , Text 865.290.0049 , or email rrutherford@mynattfh.com to save your spot. Gift bags for all attendees and door prizes will be given. We look forward to seeing you.