02/21/2024
This might be a complicated post but hang with me.
Validation (noun): recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile
Validation is POWERFUL. It is part of the human condition to want to be seen, heard, understood. Validation is one way we can give this to each other. To hear from someone: “it makes sense that you feel that way.” Even reading that – do you feel the relief and peace settle in a little bit? I definitely did when writing it!
We can get validation from others (external validation) and from ourselves (internal validation). In general, we usually seek out a mixture of the two, like a 50/50 split, or 30/70, or maybe 60/40. Giving & receiving external validation helps us feels connected and less alone.
However, there is a *significant* group of people out there who seek out a much higher rate of external validation over internal validation. (I say significant so you know you aren’t alone.) When external feedback outweighs the feedback we give ourselves, our sense of self (knowing who we are, our self-confidence) is very unstable. It leads to self-doubt, second guessing, anxiety, and lack of self-worth. If you are someone in this group, you never feel good enough. You are hypervigilant, trying to decipher what others are thinking and feeling so you can please them. Making decisions feels impossible (which one is the RIGHT one to make??). It feels like everyone else has it together while you are flailing.
The worst part is you stop listening to yourself. You stop trusting your feelings. You stop knowing your feelings. You start wondering if your feelings are even the right feelings to have. If you are around people who already dismiss your feelings, you start dismissing them too. Maybe you ask yourself things like, “am I overreacting?”
The best part is you weren’t born this way. You learned this somewhere along the way. You were shaped and molded into this. Which means, you can unlearn it.
To be honest, a big part of my job is to provide people with external validation they have been so desperately craving for years, even decades. They are so deprived of validation, it almost feels impossible to give it to themselves. They’ve been dismissed by others so often and for so long, it takes dedicated work to be able to give it to themselves and actually believe it.
If what I’ve described resonates with you, then I’m so glad you read this post. Start your healing here, right now...
Take a deep breath. Declare out loud (really, say it out loud!):
My feelings are my feelings. No one else needs to validate them to make them true.
Take a breath. Then again, LOUDER:
My feelings are my feelings! No one else needs to validate them to make them true!
That’s a place to start. Seek out more support when you are ready.❤️
