Dr Kathy Nickerson

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Laguna Beach, CA
Dr Kathy Nickerson

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Author, Affair Recovery & Infidelity Specialist
More at: https://linktr.ee/drkathynickerson

03/26/2026

If you're feeling overstimulated or anxious right now, try this: (1) light your favorite candle, (2) close your eyes or focus on the flame, and (3) do a few rounds of box breathing.

By slowing down the breath, you're telling your body that it's safe and that it's okay to relax. It's a quick little ritual that completely shifts my energy and helps me feel better when I'm upset, so I hope it will be helpful for you too. Give it a try and and let me know how it goes 💜

03/26/2026

There is a pretty big difference between healing a marriage (or long-term committed relationship) and trying to heal a dating relationship after a betrayal. As I always say, you should make the choice that you believe is best for you. You are the only one who can decide if staying is the right path... but healing from infidelity is not easy, so if your lives aren't as deeply intertwined as they would be in a marriage or long-term relationship, choosing to move on and focus on your own healing might be the better path for you to take. What do you think about this? I would love to hear your experiences down in the comments.

03/25/2026

Rebuilding after betryal requires a new set of tools. If you're looking to move from survival mode to true repair, these are four books I recommend reading together with your partner:

— The Courage to Stay by Dr. Kathy Nickerson (a.k.a., me!)

— Secure Love by Julie Menanno, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

— What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. and Oprah Winfrey

— The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver

Which books or resources have been a lifeline for you during your recovery journey? I would love to hear your recommendations in the comments. Your suggestions might be exactly what someone else needs today 💜

03/25/2026

One of the most common questions I get is, "How long will this take to heal?" And the truth is, it depends. While many people say they feel a lot better at the two-year mark, healing will look different for everyone. If the trauma of betrayal impacted you deeply, you may need more time and extra layers of support. There is no shame in a longer timeline. If you're feeling stuck, I highly recommend looking into trauma-informed therapy like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or working with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. Processing the physiological and emotional shock of infidelity requires a specific kind of care. Give yourself permission to heal at the pace you actually need, not the pace you think you "should" be at 💜

03/24/2026

While 60–75% of couples choose to reconcile after an affair, reconciling is more than the decision to stay together. Staying is just the start of the journey over Affair Mountain. The real work is in the daily, intentional acts of rebuilding trust. Healing isn't linear, but for many, a deeper connection is possible on the other side of an affair.

03/23/2026

If you just discovered your partner cheated or had an affair, let’s talk about how to survive the pit of despair.

The early stage after discovering infidelity is often pure shock. You may feel panicked, numb, sick, unable to eat, unable to sleep, and unable to think straight. This is a trauma response. You have been blindsided, and your mind and body are reacting accordingly.

This phase can last days, weeks, and sometimes longer. You’ve essentially been hit by an emotional bus, and for a while, you may feel physically and emotionally wiped out.

During this stage, try not to pressure yourself to solve everything at once. You do not need to make every decision today.

Right now, the goal is simple: get through one day at a time.

Drink water. Eat small amounts if you can. Rest. Cry. Breathe. Reach out to one safe person. Let yourself focus on stabilization before solutions.

If you are in the aftermath of cheating, infidelity, or an affair, please know this: you will not always feel this way. What you are feeling right now is horribly painful, but it will not stay this intense forever.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is absolutely miserable. But hang on. Things will get better, and you will find your footing again.

03/20/2026

To anyone who is feeling anxious about starting couples therapy, please know your hesitation is completely understandable. And to the professionals wanting to better support these couples, thank you. Your dedication to getting this right is so important—and appreciated! Walking into a room to talk about betrayal is a massive step. Whether you're the one seeking help or the one providing it, we're all looking for the same thing: healing without judgment. Here is what a typical first session looks like to help everyone feel a bit more at home in the process. Big hugs 💜

03/19/2026

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Hearing from couples who have successfully navigated the pain of an affair and built a better relationship is a powerful reminder that there is life after betrayal. It's not an easy road, but it is a rewarding one when both people are all-in on the truth.

If any of you reading this are going through this right now, here are some questions you can ask to really dig deep and uncover the "why" behind the affair. You can also head on over to my website and check out my blog, I have some posts there that go into this in more detail.

03/19/2026

If you were blindsided by your partner's affair, here is what you can do to feel safer in your relationship as you heal. Trust and safety are rebuilt through radical transparency. The partner who strayed must become an open book to create an environment where triggers can be managed and honesty is the only policy.

This can look like having access to phones and social media, shared passwords, total visibility into financial statements and spending, location sharing, and more.

What was the most helpful boundary you set during your recovery journey? Let's talk in the comments 💜

03/18/2026

Moving through post-infidelity stress requires holding deep grace for yourself and intentional nervous system regulation. If you were betrayed and are now navigating the triggers of PISD after your partner's affair, these six affirmations are designed to help soothe you and bring you back to the present moment. Which one resonates most with you? Let's support each other in the comments. Big hugs 💜

03/17/2026

with Yes, you absolutely can have a better relationship after an affair. It's a horrible, awful way to create a better relationship, but the healing work done through the infidelity recovery process produces a much stronger connection. As Angelika said, most cheating partners struggle with avoidant attachment and avoidant tendencies. They do not know how to communicate or cope effectively. Once they learn these things, the emotional connection within the couple can grow. I hope this helps you on your affair recovery journey, sending you a big hug.

03/17/2026

Did you know cheating is actually more common during dating than during marriage?

Several studies have found that about 60–70% of people report some form of infidelity or cheating during dating relationships, while about 20% report having an affair during marriage.

At first glance that surprises a lot of people. But when you think about it, it actually makes sense.

Dating relationships often have:
• less clear commitment
• fewer shared responsibilities
• less social accountability
• and fewer long-term consequences if the relationship ends.

Marriage, on the other hand, usually includes greater emotional investment, shared finances, children, and stronger social expectations around fidelity. All of those factors tend to reduce cheating and infidelity, even though affairs still happen.

In other words, people often become more faithful as commitment deepens, not less.

What do you think?
Does this match what you’ve seen in real life?

Citation: Treas, J., & Giesen, D. (2000).
Sexual infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(1), 48–60.

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