09/28/2016
Insidious Adversary
Why am I an addict? This question has haunted and plagued my thoughts for years. Why me? The deck seems stacked against me from the start, as if I am participating in an uphill race against downhill runners. Although I could speculate indefinitely on this, the reality still remains. It’s really no different than another ailment in which someone else must contend. Our situation renders us powerless with no control. How we choose to react is within our power. I share this story for two reasons. First, it helps me to heal and move forward, by putting my thoughts to words. When my mind is racing at a hundred miles-per-hour and I cannot seem to quiet it and slow things down. Secondly and more importantly, my hope is that someone out there can gain insight and perhaps avoid the pain and suffering that came with my mistakes and failures.
My drug use started later in life for me. The life I had built, i.e. military service, college, career, marriage, and children were all lost at a rapid pace when my addiction took center stage. I left my home state seeking treatment. I arrived here a desperate and broken man who lost everything and was forced to pick up the pieces and start over. I pushed through these hardships and began rebuilding my life. I took suggestions and honestly and diligently worked the twelve steps of AA. The internal change that I always yearned for came and my relationship with God developed and grew in spite of my skepticism. I built a strong network of support and friends and continued to move forward. I was able to achieve some time in sobriety and even began sponsoring others. Finally, it wasn’t until I accepted losing the things most precious to me that the paradox of life revealed itself and relationships that I had written off as lost, returned. Life had dramatically improved and come a long way from when I had first arrived.
Something began to change. My priorities slowly shifted. For a myriad of reasons, I still resided in a sober living home, and unhappy about this, my patience was running thin. I was short and curt with others who lived there. Their time was not as valuable as mine; their needs less important than my own. I was not as concerned about how my actions affected others. I suffered and persevered when I came down here and figured they could endure this as well. Why should I waste my time on someone who was probably going to get high anyway? This selfishness and pride manifesting into self-righteousness were completely vindicated in my mind. I pushed through my hardships, endured, and was being productive; working for one business and starting my own. I was focused, driven, and busy; too busy to continue my recovery maintenance and allow God to work in my life. My will was now back in my command. I found the enjoyment that I had discovered early in recovery was replaced with pessimism and complaining. This was the calm before the storm.
On a random day, not particularly bad or good, just a day, I was solicited to buy drugs. I wasn’t even seeking it out, but nonetheless, still said yes. This single decision nearly took my life. Within a blink of an eye, everything came crashing down. The trust, respect, dignity and relationships were tarnished instantly. The long, arduous road towards a better life immediately became extensive again; like a building taking a year to construct yet was destroyed by a single event.
Once again, I am tasked to pick up the broken pieces and persevere. It was said to me by the Life House owner that the character and resolve of a person is not measured by their success but through their failures and their ability to bounce back. I am presented with a choice: do I focus or fold in the face of adversity? Are we not the sum of the choices we make? I cannot turn back the clock, but can control my reaction to the situation going forward.
I cannot change that I am an addict. I cannot change the mistakes of my past. I cannot change this one-time relapse. I cannot change the consequences for this poor choice that I made. However, I can take the necessary steps to ensure it never happens again and never lose sight that no matter how far I come, letting my guard down for just a moment can cost me everything.
One of the most dangerous situations for an addict is life improvements. This is unfortunate. Sometimes the very gifts and blessings gained from sobriety can be our Achilles heel. If we find ourselves feeling ungrateful, being complacent, or reverting back to past behaviors, take note and do not make the mistake I made. Addiction is an insidious adversary. It never comes at us straight on or at one time. It creeps in slowly, shrouded in validations and justified in our minds. Speaking for myself, I must be vigilant on a daily basis and have God central in my life to stay sober. Otherwise, it’s only a matter of time.
I hope some of you find some relevance and insight to your own lives with this.
-Anonymous Addict / Life House Resident
