My Chaos and Cayenne

12/11/2023

I know it's been a while since I've posted on this page and for that I apologize. I know that some people connect with what I post. This may not be one of those posts. This one may upset some of my siblings, and it may take several days and posts to explain MY experience with trauma. Here's a hard truth: my momma was abusive, a spanking with a belt typically consisted of 50 plus licks at full swing, my head was put through a closet door one time, but my trauma did not come from my mother. I knew that my mother had been ripped away from her biological family as a toddler. 4 older children and one younger were allowed to remain, they were not the focus of a woman that wanted my mother, and a judicial system that made judgements based on personal relationships to community members. My momma had to wear long sleeves to school because her adopted mother bit her up and down her arms leaving them bloodied and bruised. So my mom didn't have the proper tools to parent especially when I was born when she was 15. She was both present and absent during my entire childhood because she remembered seeing her biological family during visits and then being made to return to the abuse she suffered, she wanted what was best for me but due to her history didn't know what that was. She often disappeared for a year or more. Now, that behavior attributed to my trauma more than the beatings but even so, I excused it because of the hell she went through as a child. Her second husband thought it was ok to physically abuse a 2 year old, he thought it was ok to punch my mother in the stomach while she was carrying my sister. This is the point in time where my dad was awarded custody of me. I was safe again. More to come tomorrow.... this is a difficult discussion and will definitely upset many people. Feel free to comment your opinions or experiences, my page is judgement free!

09/04/2023

I swear I'm going to get around to doing reels, I'm still building my self confidence and topics I'm considering. Currently, my mental health had been slightly better until the last 2-4 days, the only explanations I can relate to for the digression is: it's a hard time of year for me, super full moon this week, and a drop in barometric pressure from the hurricane. Many people do not believe that what is going on in the sky or weather conditions can affect MDD and anxiety, and I will not argue the point, I know that it effects me. Please please please share my page to help me reach a larger number of people. I need engagement on these posts whether you're in agreement with me or not. Next post will cover what I call yearly trauma based escalation of mental illnesses, and possibly a new employment opportunity for those of you that would like to assist in the mental health community but do not have a medical degree.

08/15/2023

I realized in my intrusive thoughts post that I didn't expand on my personal flashbacks: the sound of the suction removing my deceased fetus, holding my best friends arms up so she could hold her newborn when she passed away, everything about Marissa's death (I still sometimes wake up at 1 am shivering as though I'm freezing which is exactly what happened just before Marissa passed, watching my mema pass, making decisions concerning my mom's care and ultimately holding her as she died. As you can imagine, these thoughts lead me down a dark hole.

08/14/2023

Intrusive Thoughts

One symptom of my depression and anxiety is Intrusive thoughts, and this is my personal experiences on these thoughts. I am fortunate that my Intrusive thoughts are not suicidal or homicidal, but those thoughts are often a part of this spectrum of mental illness. My intrusive thoughts are either flashbacks of past traumas or an all consuming feeling as though I'm going to die today, in my sleep or in an accident. When that thought pops into my head for no reason, no trigger, I then feel extreme sadness for my children as I know what it feels like to lose a mother, that then leads to thoughts of one of my children or grandchildren dying. These thoughts come out of nowhere and it's extremely difficult to get them to go away so that I can function, when they come at night I don't sleep (because if I'm not asleep then I can't die in my sleep). I am without a doubt aware that these are not reasonable thoughts but even knowing that doesn't stop them from taking over. I guess the closest thing I can use to describe them is when you get a song stuck in your head and you can't get rid of it all day, but songs are usually good and my intrusive thoughts are are always negative and panic inducing.

06/16/2023

Where are you and how's the weather? I'm in central Florida

06/06/2023

Major depressive disorder vs sadness, this topic comes up a lot, I think that people that have had sadness in their life (everyone has) are unaware of how long it can last and how low depression can go. So here goes my internet research differences.

Sadness is a human emotion that all people feel at certain times; the loss of a loved one, disappointment, etc. Sadness is temporary and will pass with time. You'll be back to normal in no time.

Depression is a longer-term mental illness. It impairs social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning. Depression affects your mood, how you understand yourself, and the way you understand and relate to things around you

So one of the biggest differences between mdd and sadness is how long it lasts.
MDD is a specific type of depression. People with MDD have frequent or lasting symptoms of depression for at least 2 weeks. The symptoms are severe enough to interfere with daily activities, such as school, work, or sleep.

A current example for me and a shameless plug for resale items. I've been buying storage units for the last several years as I wait on disability, but I haven't bought one in 7 months. My depression has been awful, painful, and tiring, I COULD NOT get a unit, and this is why a job is out of the question right now. My little job thing happens when I can do it, a company is not going to allow me to miss 7 months because I can't leave the house.

Free Giveway! So here's my unit 10x20 feet packed all the way back and floor to ceiling, anyone want to guess how much it cost and how much profit we'll make? Just like and follow my page and guess in the comments. Winner will get a gift set from this unit, there are a lot of new products in it.

05/30/2023

It's okay to remove people from your life if their energy doesn't align with yours, there are no rules that say you must tolerate people who are toxic to you, friends or family. Also, not everyone who is toxic to you is also toxic to others. I know that some people do not like me and that's okay! Learn to keep positive, knowledgeable, good vibes type people in your circle and don't worry about the others. They have their tribe and you have yours. Keeping the chaos down reduces the heat of the Cayenne.

05/30/2023

Today I've not been peoply at all, it's not that unusual in a lesser degree but today was way bad!

05/29/2023

No one really knows the causes of mental illness. The theory that it's a brain chemical issue is getting weaker with research, some mental illnesses have genetic links although it's unknown if it's due to genetics or due to the environment in which the child is raised, trauma in both children and adults can lead to mental illness, epilepsy and traumatic brain injury can also contribute to some people's mental illness. Personally, I believe my mother had bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, anxiety, and depression, she also suffered from seizures due to multiple TBIs from auto accidents as a child. I had multiple traumas as a child, was an emt, was a police dispatcher (first line emergency workers often have ptsd), had many losses including my daughter and traumas as an adult. Although outwardly everything seemed "normal" until about 2019, which is also when I quit drinking daily and was forced to face the memories, but when I lost my mother in 2020 it brought all of my mental and emotional issues to the forefront. I could no longer deny that something was very wrong. I'll go into more of my personal symptoms in another post but the purpose of this post is: MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT CONTAGIOUS!

As usual: I am not in the field of medicine, all things that I write about are my personal opinions and life experiences.

**Anyone that would like to donate to help me as I wait for disability or to help pay for ketamine treatment can use any of the following:
$Brandy-Simpson-4 - Chime
- PayPal
$1Brandys - cashapp

05/26/2023

My intentions are to sell items that I make or create, in order to start a non-profit to help people get alternative treatments available for mental illness. I'll answer any questions you may have but I'm an not a medical provider and I encourage people to connect with a provider before using any of my advice.

05/26/2023

So, I've been on a writing campaign for the last 2 weeks. From emails to the president, local federal representatives, makers of products, whoever you can think, I've probably written them. Getting things off my chest and just generally griping about how inept our government is right now, or to praise a product that I love. So, I wrote a letter to the ceo, chairperson, vice chairperson, and board of directors of Jeep. I did not expect a response from most but I did get an email from Rick Scott. And I received this awesome package from Jeep. They will definitely be on my short list of vehicles to purchase!

05/24/2023

I have a few questions regarding the dominoes commercial about fries. As they are considering making fries more deliverable, the lady says "turns out the solve was tater tots" First, am I hearing that correctly, and if I am wouldn't the correct way to convey that message as "turns out the solution was tater tots? This commercial causes me mild anxiety, why are we speaking differently? Isn't there an editor/ director/ producer that would have caught it during the process? Is that just another acceptable way to say the sentence? This is just one of the things that take up space in my brain, for no reason, it doesn't affect my life in anyway other than what is said. Do me a favor and click like or follow me at the top of my page. Reels coming soon!

my opinion on my mental health. Open, safe, dialog encouraged. Advocacy for unsupported population.

05/21/2023

Thoughts?
Hysteria- a diagnosis given to women up until the 1980s and was pretty much used for anything that wasn't acceptable by the men in their lives like:
Swollen abdomen, chest pain, excessive emotion, increased or decreased s*x drive, increased appetite, increased heart rate/pulse. Treatments included stays at an asylum, electroshock therapy, ma********on by physician (I assume the physicians in history had no problem with the diagnosis), abstinence, exorcism, some were even considered witches and disposed of. Seems like with this kind of history, it's no wonder that people deny their own mental health struggles. Just my thoughts today. I have no medical experience other than advocacy and right now I feel mental illness needs to be in the forefront.

05/21/2023

05/19/2023

It works

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05/17/2023

Did you know that phobias are considered a type of anxiety? So, almost every has some form of a mental illness. While that isn't what my anxiety is exactly, but I do have a few: acrophobia-fear of heights, Thanatophobia-fear of death(this one causes me to go into a long anxiety attack and usually a panic attack, agoraphobia- fear of crowds, and a few more. A few common phobias are: Aerophobia- fear of flying, Arachnophobia-fear of spiders, ophidiophobia-fear of snakes, Mysophobia-fear of germs and dirt, there are hundreds more just look it up. So congratulations to all who thought they were in the clear for mental illness, you can join the rest of us! Mental illness can have little effect on life to a debilitating effect. So if someone is having a mental episode, think about how you would react to your phobia in your face, and be kind.

my opinion on my mental health. Open, safe, dialog encouraged. Advocacy for unsupported population.

05/15/2023

Trigger warning- su***de

This may bother some people but I'm genuinely curious why su***de is now being referred as "unalived themselves" and murder as "she unalived him". I understand that su***de and homicide are both terrible actions, is saying unalived a way to make it easier? Should we be making it sound less daunting? In my opinion the word is not helpful, su***de and homicide are both horrible events not to be sugar-coated. I'm open to y'alls thoughts, I will honestly tell you though that this will be hard to convince me otherwise.