03/04/2023
So Real . . . This is why I love my job, --- using CST to help precious kids like this.đ
Picture being blindfolded and then dropped onto a foreign land. You undo the blindfold and look at your surroundings and everything feels unfamiliar. You look at road signs and the script is indecipherable. You see people pass by and you stare at them while youâre being stared at in turn. You feel a knot rising in the pit of your stomach and a mix of different emotions building inside you. You look around for any sign of familiarity and then catch hold of someone who appears less threatening and ask them for help.
You ask them in a language familiar to you. But all you get in return is a blank stare. They donât understand you. You get a little frustrated, you stop speaking in sentences and use just a couple of words. And as is common to humans when frustrated, we tend to show our agitation in our body language, voice and tonality.
Now letâs place your child in the above scenario. They have this body and brain they know nothing about. They feel emotions rising inside them when something doesnât go their way. They donât understand these emotions but all they know is, âit doesnât feel pleasant inside me.â Our desperation and frustration is visible to them and that further creates a cocktail of emotions inside them and now, they give up on words and just ⌠âact out!â
Children do not and cannot process what it is they are feeling in the way we can as adults. They just know it doesnât make them feel good inside their bodies. They want to tell you, but they see it all over your face that you donât understand what it is theyâre trying to say and that that further adds fuel to their frustrated flame. They neither have the cognitive faculties developed enough to the point to logically sit you down and explain with proper vocabulary, nor do they have the mechanism to regulate those emotions. And the only step that unconsciously happens next is, what is commonly termed as acting out.
What do you need to remember when this happens â
đTake a step back but donât leave the scene â Just as you would see your friend sad, lonely, hurt or in grief, you wouldnât walk away thinking, âIâll deal with you when you settle down or start behavingâ â similarly, do not walk away from your child who is overwhelmed with big emotions. Take a step back but stay put and just wait.
đYou do not have to react when they scream, yell or utter harsh words. Their tiny brains are trying to put into words (with minimum vocabulary) the frustration they are feeling. Been in a situation where you said things in anger you didnât mean to? This is that exactly, but on a childâs scale. Donât react and just wait.
đEmotions last for 60 to 90 seconds unless the trigger or reaction to that emotion becomes further provocative. Ever get even angrier when someone tells you to calm down? Or has someone told you to snap out of being upset and you just did? (Do I hear you say, humph! As if!) Well neither will that work with a child. If you were to tell them to âstop misbehavingâ or yelled at them yourself or try to physically pull them off the floor or raised your hand for acting out, you are doing nothing but provoking the situation. Refrain from saying something you wouldnât like to hear when you are upset, angry or frustrated, and just wait.
đIf your child is at the risk of hurting themselves by thrashing around, blocking an entrance at a shop or having a meltdown in the middle of the road, sure, go ahead and carry them to a safe spot and then allow them to regulate/experience their emotion.
Patience is the key and needs to be front and centre. Patience on your part, not your childâs.
What can you (and possibly should) do instead â
đ§ Instead of thinking, âugh, this is so embarrassingâ, âyou are getting me so mad!â, âwhy canât you just behave?!â or ânot again, please!â â reframe your thoughts to, âOh you poor childâ, âI feel so much for you to not be able to understand what youâre going throughâ, âI cant imagine how frustrating you feel at the moment and not be able to verbalise it!â
đ§ What this does is, it refashions your thoughts from frustration and anger, to empathy and concern. Itâs hard to be empathetic to someone you feel is driving you up the wall, but itâs harder to be mad at someone you feel sorry for, someone who you see is struggling.
đ§ Stay close but two steps back. Leaving the scene only teaches them that when they are not feeling their best, they are not wanted. They grow up to become individuals who then have a hard time talking about their feelings for fear of being shut down or abandoned. Think: Teenagers who slam their door shut when you sense they should share things with you instead?
đ§ Know that the thoughts going through your head are based on your past experiences, your mood, your energy levels and other such factors. The fact however is that, there is a young being in front of you who is struggling with the inability to process their emotions and as a result failing to regulate it.
đ§ Remember to NOT take things personally. When they are struggling, they have no control on their words and actions. If you keep reminding yourself that they are struggling â it makes the situation more about them and less about you.
đ§ Keeping your calm and being patient and present is exhausting and indeed can take a toll on you too, so find ways to get the support you require. If there are personal challenges with learning to develop more patience or understanding how you can better deal with such inevitable situations, make use of resources available online and in person.
đ§ Children only act out as they are children. But if they fail to learn to regulate their emotions and/or get the implication that what they are doing is wrong/weird or in no way acceptable â they grow into individuals who have challenges with emotional repression or outbursts.
https://pamelastoodley.nz/2023/01/23/does-your-child-act-out/
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[ID: a close-up of a little boy is seen with eyes closed, wearing an unhappy and upset expression. The words âChildren neither have the cognitive faculties developed enough to the point to logically sit you down and explain with proper vocabulary, nor do they have the mechanism to regulate those emotions. And the only step that unconsciously happens next is, what is commonly termed as acting out.â âDr. Pamela Stoodley is written on top of the image.]
