04/25/2026
I’m going to be real for a minute.
Today I went to visit and clean Gabbie’s stone. While I was there I chatted with her.
I told her how I loved the blooms on her tree in my garden but I wished the ones above her stone were blooming.
I instantly got a notification about a cherry blossom festival on my phone.
Then I was talking about how I feel like I’ve lost years while in a deep depression after losing her. How I felt that my doctors failed me after I had to have a hysterectomy
two years later and that between losing her and losing myself in near instant menopause simultaneously with no doctor helping me through it, it made me feel like I lost so much time on the girls and me. And though I know it is my journey I wish now it could have been different in so many ways. Losing a baby at 38 weeks changed my life and rocked my entire perspective of the world. And then menopause while already in depression altered me molecularly. I wonder now if I’d been monitored better if maybe doctors could have helped me find myself sooner. That maybe I’d not feel like I lost so many years of myself and watching the girls grow.
And suddenly my phone started playing music from Spotify … “Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too”.
I’m so so damned grateful for her. For the ability to listen when she (and others) talk.
Tomorrow April 25th is her angelversary. She’d be 14. And I’m grateful to be her mom. And even more grateful to watch my other girls grow into beautiful young women who are taking the world by storm.
