A. Scott Williams Mental Health Journey

03/14/2021

I realize that I haven't been posting much here. I think it's because I'm healing and haven't needed this venue for the most part. Sometimes when life explodes all around me I feel the need to verbalize everything. When life is calmer, the thoughts are more productive and I have less of a need to express them - except when I learn a profound truth that I want to share.

Here are some things that have really helped me:

Conversations with friends - knowing that I've been heard and that others can relate means the world to me and takes away the power of the depression.

Journaling - The first couple of weeks after my meltdown, I wrote pages and pages of thoughts. Putting my thoughts into words diminished the confusion and anxiety I was experiencing. And it's interesting to go back and visit some of those words again and see where I was then and where I am now.

Medication - This has been the biggest surprise and one of the key factors, I believe, that I'm healing. My moods are much better these days and I really believe my new meds have helped me a lot.

God - I grew up Christian and have never left the Faith, per se, so it's been super helpful to dig into who God really is, not just what people say about Him or what they believe God is saying to us all. I find that studying the Bible, especially with the aid of videos, writings and podcasts, has helped. The BibleProject has actually change my perspective of this God I believed to be a God of punishment and fear. The more I study the Bible the more I see God as a God of LOVE and GRACE. The more I lean into this the more I see the bigger perspective of life and the love that God truly has for His creation. Romans 2:4 says: "Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and restraint and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? This is the God I continue to want to know.

Therapy - This is an interesting one. I was in 'therapy' through all my 20's and again in my late 40's. Therapy for me was just talking about all the crap I was going through. This new therapist is working on some of the core beliefs I have about myself. We have been able to dig around my past and make a lot of connections with the way I react to things now. It's super insightful and it feels like we are treating the wound and not just managing the symptoms.

There are so many other things I've been doing, but the five things I just listed have me to get back on my feet so that I can function again.

I take everything in my life at half speed. I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I see things now that I haven't noticed before. I appreciate the sunshine, the warm weather, the Spring that is waiting to burst all around us, my cat, my apartment. I'm also learning to appreciate the many gifts I have and the faithful friends that continue to stand by my side. I know I'm truly blessed.

While my healthcare is still a struggle, I'm nowhere as bad as I was. I think I stated that my healthcare was very fragile at the time. Today, I can say that I have better tools to deal with life as it comes my way. My thoughts are more clear and I've been able to care for myself more than ever.

Thanks to all of you for continuing to be a part of my life's journey! I couldn't ask for a better support system!

03/05/2021

Probably five years back I took a gene study. Specifically for which drug would work best with my DNA for my mental health. I had never heard of it, but my doctor suggested it. We got the results back and found out that the Lexapro I was taking wasn't the best drug for me. Lexapro was in my "yellow" column, so my doctor changed my prescription. I forget what it was changed to but all i remember is that I never filled that drug - I think it was an insurance thing at the time.

A month ago, my doctor reminded me of that gene study and we looked through it again. He recommended that I change my prescription to Prisque (sounds much like unique), which is in my "green" column.

Today, after four weeks on Prisque, my mood has shifted dramatically. I feel better, motivated and more emotionally stable than I've been in a long time.

I know meds are not the only solution to my mental health, but it's an important tool. Along with therapy (my therapist is awesome), building and nurturing my support system, journaling, mindfulness, connecting with my breath, being honest with myself and self awareness, and connecting with God, to mention a few things, continue to give me a new focus and hope as I walk through this journey we call life.

03/03/2021

pray for me today as I walk through some revelations I made to myself yesterday. It's pretty hardcore in some ways and yet I see hope of healing. I'm currently building my resources as I start this new journey of enlightenment and healing, because I know this won't be easy and I can't do it alone.

02/19/2021

I was thinking today that no one can understand completely what I'm going through, until they have experience the deep darkness of depression and anxiety themselves. I have never experienced life this dark before (and believe you I have had a lot of dark places in my life before). While there is a light ahead of me, the journey is hard and laborious. But again, your encouragement and my Faith in God is moving me forward.

02/18/2021

Hello friends! I haven't post here much yet, but that's my plan...Today is the fourth day of much needed hope and peace. Between the switching of my meds (Lexapro to Pristiq), meeting with my therapist twice this week, taking everything more slowly - literally, using a mindful app (Headspace, I like it so far), talking with trusted friends, setting my alarms for taking all my meds the same time everyday, setting up boundaries, praying to connect with God, reading the Bible, etc, etc, I feel better. I know this is a journey and not everyday or even every moment will feel right, but to really heal, I must travel this road before me. I know I'm not alone and I thank you all for being a part of my journey, no matter how big or small.

02/12/2021

This has been going through my head a lot: why can’t I feel ‘normal’? What is normal? Why do I feel things so deeply? Why do I get hurt so easily? I’m looking at the reasons for this but it’s good, I think, to verbalize this to myself and others that I trust!

02/11/2021

I just sent out an invite to this page to the people on my friends list that I trust and have either expressed interest in my journey, or people that have walked with me in this journey through life.
I hope to continue this journey is a safe and open environment, full of encouragement, like mindedness and transparency.
I hope to post my thoughts, some of my journaling and possibly music that I'm writing to express myself even deeper.
Thanks for joining me and respond and react as you feel comfortable.

02/11/2021

I think video is a good thing for me to share as my first post on here.

Just me playing the piano in an attempt for vulnerabilty. I never share these moments with others, but today I'm doing just that.