
05/29/2024
Understanding Bids of Connection: Insights from John and Julie Gottman
What Are Bids for Connection?
Bids for connection are attempts made by one partner to engage the other and receive positive attention, affection, or affirmation. These bids can be verbal, such as asking a question, or non-verbal, like a smile or a touch. The Gottmans’ extensive research at the Gottman Institute has shown that how couples respond to these bids significantly impacts their relationship’s success and happiness.
The Three Types of Responses to Bids
Turning Toward
Turning Away
Turning Against
The Impact of Responses on Relationships
The Gottman’s research indicates that couples who consistently turn toward each other’s bids for connection have stronger, more resilient relationships. In fact, they found that in successful marriages, couples turn toward each other’s bids 86% of the time, whereas in marriages that ultimately ended in divorce, this occurred only 33% of the time (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
Bids for connection may seem small, but their cumulative impact on a relationship is profound. By learning to recognize and respond positively to these bids, couples can foster a deeper sense of connection, understanding, and mutual support. John and Julie Gottman’s work underscores the importance of these everyday interactions in building a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
References
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Research. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/