03/23/2017
Marriage & Relationship Counseling -
If you are someone in relationship turmoil, itâs my intent is to give you a map for where and how to at least get started making a shiftâŚitâs probably not what you think. It helped me, it might help you. A different approach -
Every day I receive anywhere from 15 â 25+ requests for marriage and relationship counseling and the number is steadily increasing.
Requests come in day and night and I feel the weight of it. Lost souls with no idea where to begin to make changes and they are distraught.
I know what itâs like to be in a relationship that has lost its light and there seems to be none in sight. I know what itâs like when one partner is already disengaged and the other is clueless that thereâs even a problem. I know what itâs like to be embarrassed to tell anyone how youâre feeling or whatâs really happening in the relationship for fear of being judged and ridiculed or worse, cut off from communication with people who are supposed to love and care about you.
Itâs scary and can leave you feeling very alone.
Iâm not a marriage counselor, Iâm a lifestyle strategist who works with individuals to help them get their life in order, all of it, relationships included. I help people learn how to be happy and fulfilled â first.
The #1 thing I learned long ago about relationships is this: before you work on any relationship, you must first look in the mirror because thatâs where the work begins.
Why? Because the only person youâll ever change is you. You must be abundantly clear on who you are, what you want and why. If you donât know those things first, plus a whole lot more, making a great relationship out of one that is void of emotion, full of rage and/or lacking empathy or kindness has a low probability of occurrence.
Whether the relationship is intimate, familial, a friendship or professional, resolution begins in the mirror.
Iâve heard it said that all conflict is internal and as much as I was in denial of that years ago, itâs true. I was defiant when I first heard that statement because this meant that I was causing my own headache, heartache and stress! It was all my own doing. I didnât want to hear it, but it was true.
It was my own perception of the behavior and actions of others that was upsetting to me and causing me many hours of reliving the situation thinking of ways I could have done it better -- and also ways I could have been spiteful. How awful is that? I wasted my time thinking of being spiteful. That was until I realized all of this was happening in my head only; no one else cared! I was burning up my own energy for nothing.
So, why did I do this to myself?
Because I didnât know better. I didnât know how to manage my thoughts and be more allowing and giving of grace, both to myself and others. I wasnât aware of what I was doing to myself, how I was behaving or how to stop the cycle. I didnât yet understand that if we donât have any buttons to push, no one can push them. We probably wonât eliminate all our buttons, but by being more aware of them and minimizing or being ok with the others, weâre positioning ourselves for a much more stable, peaceful and enjoyable existence.
A notable example: if someone makes a comment to you about the size of your nose, one of two things will happen:
1. if youâre self-conscious about your nose for whatever reason, youâll likely be offended and make a judgement about whether you like and want to be around this person. An emotion of dislike or resentment will be deposited in your mind that you will replay again and again in your lifetime, reengaging the wave of negative emotion each time the memory or the person crosses your mind. Each time that happens, it takes you away from the present moment, drains your energy, affects your mood and your confidence
2. orâŚyou'll adore this person and label them your new BFF because they've noticed your beautiful nose!
If you donât like your nose, you have a big button ready and waiting for someone to push and upset you.
If you love your adorable nose, no button and a compliment!
The thing is, itâs up to us to be ok with who we are so that we minimize the number of buttons we have for others to push. If weâre more forgiving of others in the moment and are generally more allowing, allowing others to be who they are, to say and do as they please, our lives will be much more stress-free and weâll be able to hold on to energy that would have otherwise been released in anger or resentment.
How cool is that? We can actually learn how not to react to every little thing others do thatâs different from what we would do â and be totally ok with it! Thatâs kind of instant relief from stress just knowing that one little piece of information, right? What if you had a dozen or two other pieces of information just like this? Simple tools and practices to help shape the life you want to create for yourself; would it begin a shift that would ultimately change your life???
When I finally worked though understanding my own personal values and what was most important to me, the thought of wasting a single moment thinking about something that happened in the past (something Iâd never be able to change) was not who I wanted to be nor how I wanted to show up in the world.
It actually made me feel sick. I had created my own inner turmoil when I didnât have to.
When I realized that I had created the circumstances in my life by the way I thought and reacted, I simultaneously realized I could also change my circumstances by changing the way I thought and reacted! It was a light bulb moment for sure.
So simple. If we create our life circumstances unknowingly, we can also change them - on purpose.
Common sense right? But hey, just because its common sense, doesnât mean its common practice. That was a bit of a light bulb moment too. We all know that controlling our behavior to some extent is possibleâŚbut how many of us actually do it? Especially â in our closest relationships; after all, arenât those the relationships that often get whatâs left of us after weâve given our best to everyone else?
The people closest to us often get the tired, cranky, âleave me alone Iâm too tired to think or too upset from the crisis of the day for anything elseâ behaviorâŚsound familiar? But when youâre living out your values every day by being continually mindful of what you value mostâŚyou create a shift. A shift that creates by default that elusive b-a-l-a-n-c-e we all crave.
Just think, what if someone would have given you this information when you were a teenager or as you were heading off to college? You wouldâve at least had the opportunity to create a life and all new relationships on purpose rather than by default. Whether you chose to use it at that time or not, it would have raised you to a new level of awareness.
So, if your relationship circumstances arenât as youâd like them to beâŚyou now know what to do to get you started moving in the right direction.
⢠Assess your values and record them with specificity
⢠Create a picture of what you want your relationships to look like (each category; family, partner, friends, faith, work, kidsâŚ) and define on paper what that is and how you will show up for each of them, thenâŚ
⢠Live into your values every day, set intentions for conversations and consciously lift your energy for those you love; show others who you are and whatâs most important to you - with consistency
RememberâŚ
⢠self-care* goes a long way toward achieving these goals
⢠all conflict is internal
⢠the relationship you have with yourself sets the stage for all other relationships
⢠practice exhibiting the behaviors you want to receive from others
⢠relationship turmoil? Begin in the mirror; consider and work on how you show up consistently first, when you do that, you'll have a better visual of the relationship through a wider lens
*Self-care: Nutrition, hydration, movement, sleepâŚand your thinking! Build routine around the elements of your values and be consistent with how you show up.
Why self-care? It lends congruency to your life that you feel in your gut; it leads to feeling good about yourself at the end of the day â which leads to feeling good about yourself at the end of your life.
It can be easy to forget about self-care when your life is in turmoil; thatâs when itâs most important; keeping or setting a routine of caring for yourself can help pull you through rough times.
