08/03/2025
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BREAKING: Nation’s Pelvic Floors Demand Paid Time Off, Cite Years of "Unacknowledged Clenching"
August 3, 2025 | Kansas City, MO — In an unprecedented labor movement, pelvic floors across the country have formed a collective union, citing chronic overwork, lack of recognition, and years of unpaid labor stabilizing humanity through childbirth, laughter, and poorly timed sneezes.
“We’re tired. Literally and figuratively,” said Pelvic Floor #304, spokesperson for the new union PFs United for Dignity (PUD). “We’ve been holding it together—sometimes quite literally—while our owners ignored us, neglected us, and blamed us every time they jumped on a trampoline after two margaritas.”
The movement gained momentum after a viral TikTok showed a woman laughing too hard during a spin class and immediately leaking state secrets... and also p*e.
The federal government has yet to issue a formal response, but early drafts of a proposed Pelvic Floor Stimulus Plan include mandatory kegel breaks, foam roller pensions, and a three-day “rest and release” weekend every quarter.
Meanwhile, many Americans were shocked to learn they even had a pelvic floor.
“I always thought it was, like, a metaphor,” said Jason Marsh, 36. “Like when people say, ‘I hit rock bottom,’ I figured that was the pelvic floor.”
Pelvic floors are demanding not only PTO and benefits, but also a rebranding campaign to improve their public image. "We're tired of being the punchline of every mom-group meme," said PF #1128, who recently retired after a 38-year career of holding in everything from giggles to gas. "We're muscles, not martyrs."
In related news, America’s glutes have also filed a grievance, citing jealousy over all the squats the quads have been getting.
Does your pelvic floor need some PTO? Send me a message:)
