03/24/2022
๐๐ญ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ด ๐จ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ณ๐ฌ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐ธ๐ฆโ๐ท๐ฆ ๐จ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฌ๐ง๐ถ๐ญ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ, ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ?
It also gives us a dose of perspective in terms of how easy many kids have it. And they do, in so many ways...
๐๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฃ๐บ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฏ, ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ, ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ธ๐ฆ? Iโve been wanting a kitchen refurb for two years, complaining that I canโt get a builder, and not really thinking about the fortune of my four walls and a safe bed to sleep in.
But Iโm not saying thereโs anything wrong with that; it doesnโt have to mean that we donโt or canโt feel compassion and empathy for those in dire circumstances.
Perspective is certainly useful, but it doesnโt render our own desires-trivial as they might be- suddenly meaningless.
And this is especially true for our children because, much more than us, they live right here and right now, regardless of how it compares with 'the real world'.
Like many parents, I have a child from whom the usual complaints flow like a river; the unfairness of going to school, the unreasonableness of switching the screen off, the act of unkindness that is bedtimeโฆ
It's a recipe for parental frustration, and to the urge to express (loudly) the inner-voice that says โ๐๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ด๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ญ๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐บ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ?โ
But most likely, the answer would be โnoโ.
And not because our kids are just over-indulged and entitled human beings.
When we really look at the world through our kids' eyes, the chances are, itโs very different than looking through our own.
Yes, we can certainly teach them appreciation, we can promote compassion and empathy; Iโd argue that we should, regardless; but for one, these are not innate at birth.
They need to be developed and practised.
These competencies also need a degree of brain maturity, because that โbig pictureโ thinking; recognising the existence of a world beyond theirs, being able to see that through anotherโs eyes; is a very sophisticated skillset.
While there may be a genetic disposition in their favour, the brain area where theyโre processed; the prefrontal cortex; generally doesnโt reach that stage of development until kids are at least eight.
And once they reach 11 or 12, this 'executive brain' then dismantles itself during the lengthy process of adolescence.
I guess the point Iโm making is that; regardless of whether a child's having a hard time because they're fleeing a war-zone, or because it's time to switch the iPad off; ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆ.
There's absolutely a time for gratitude; for appreciating safety, warmth and love; ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ด ๐ฃ๐ค๐ฉ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆ.
A brain having a hard time can't effectively access rational thinking, perspective-taking or logic.
Thatโs true for all of us, regardless of our age.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ช๐ตโ๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ค๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ค๐บ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข ๐ด๐ต๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด๐ฆ, ๐ด๐ช๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ญ๐บ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ค๐ฐ๐จ๐ฏ๐ช๐ด๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ด ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ.
While possibly ridiculous and disproportionate, when we accept that our childโs truth is their truth in that moment, we can focus on meeting the need.
BTW this isnโt saying that when a child says โ๐ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข ๐๐ช๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ค๐ฉโ, you just buy them one. But we can express acceptance, that ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ is still valid.
Thatโs what changes things. When we meet childrenโs (and our own) needs as best we can; with compassion and empathy; weโre fostering compassion and empathy in them.
Then, when the time and opportunity is right, theyโll be able to put to good use in this messy world weโre raising them in.
๐ฅ Brought to you by one of Neurochild's Brain Trust, Jo Stockdale with Well Within Reach
